Long haulers what is keeping you from ctb

[kfad95]

For the people who have been on the forum for years, what is stopping you from ctb and why

 

[Hollowman]

Waiting for my mom, don't want to ruin her final years.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

Fear. Plain and simple. Not even fear of death, just fear of the actual process of dying. I don't have access to SN or N or a firearm or any truly painless method so I'm pretty much stuck with night night, hanging, or jumping. And I HAVE to get it right the first time so that puts pressure on me. I have a LONG rap-sheet with the Psychiatric System without even mentioning once the tiniest thought of suicide so if I'm actually caught attempting I am screwed. Like put away in a State Hospital for years screwed. So - lack of painless method PLUS that pressure equals a lot of fear surrounding the actual process of dying.

I'm not afraid of death. I WANT to be dead more than anything. I'm just afraid of Psychiatry. And that's what's really really sad here. I'm sure I'm not alone on this forum in fearing Psychiatry more than death....

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

i feel like i'm too young. i want to experience more before i die. i hate being a hermit, but i still cling onto the hope that one day i'll be able to go to bars or have fun with friends. i want to get through college and try to be a tattoo artist. i want to self harm more and fill my body up with scars.

that, and... i don't have a gun quite yet ;)

 

[bed]

naively hoping things can get better. i don't actually want to die, i just got dealt shit cards. hard to deal with health issues and chronic pain with mental health problems on top of it. I just want my health back or to accept that i can't have that and live anyway as best as i can.
also just trying to exhaust options with resources i haven't tried. at this point there's very little to try though.

SI and being scared of the process of dying also stops me. I dont think im actually scared of death.

My mom telling me she'd ctb if I ever did. i know it's guilt tripping but i don't want to ruin her or my sister.

I guess all of my reasons can just be seen as excuses.

 

[strangelife]

I want to spent some more time with my son. I want to live, but my illness is unbearable

 

[kfad95]

i feel like i'm too young. i want to experience more before i die. i hate being a hermit, but i still cling onto the hope that one day i'll be able to go to bars or have fun with friends. i want to get through college and try to be a tattoo artist. i want to self harm more and fill my body up with scars.

that, and... i don't have a gun quite yet ;)

I wish you the best for college and becoming a tattoo artist and that maybe might help you in getting out more

naively hoping things can get better. i don't actually want to die, i just got dealt shit cards. hard to deal with health issues and chronic pain with mental health problems on top of it. I just want my health back or to accept that i can't have that and live anyway as best as i can.
also just trying to exhaust options with resources i haven't tried. at this point there's very little to try though.

Chronic pain and mental health issues are horrible and while I didn't have very serious issues unfortunately medication has caused me unexpected and serious harm, I don't have depression but literally can't feel any positive feelings or anything from substances. And 24/7 fatigue I hope I don't become a long hauler

I want to spent some more time with my son. I want to live, but my illness is unbearable

What is your illness if I may ask?

 

[FuneralCry]

Because we exist in this evil world where there is the absence of peaceful and guaranteed ways to die for all, we truly do exist in hell that is for certain. And also what I'd fear is suffering way more from trying to die going wrong, it's horrifying how such a thing could happen. Death should be as straightforward as just choosing to be gone but sadly that's just not the reality, the fact that I feel so trapped in the undesirable, hellish abomination that is existence just makes me wish for the true peace of eternal nothingness even more.

 

[UKscotty]

I believe we only CTB once we are fully ready, until that point there must be hope keeping us here.

When we are ready, we will find a way in the moment.

 

[兎の耳]

Hope. That little monster that whispers in my ear that things can get better, that there's a rainbow if I can weather the storm for just a bit longer. Maybe if I try just a little harder this time will be different.

In a week I will be packing up my meager belongings and moving a thousand miles to a city I've only been to once. This will be it, the final boss, the last ride of usagi. One more chance. One more try. One.

If this falls through or if I can't make it work I am going to strangle the life out of that little demon that keeps whispering in my ear and end my life far away from anyone who might care.

 

[zeropercentangel]

Still waiting for the "right" moment I guess. Sometimes I wish something terrible would happen so I would impulsively drink the SN and get it over with.

 

[kfad95]

Hope. That little monster that whispers in my ear that things can get better, that there's a rainbow if I can weather the storm for just a bit longer. Maybe if I try just a little harder this time will be different.

In a week I will be packing up my meager belongings and moving a thousand miles to a city I've only been to once. This will be it, the final boss, the last ride of usagi. One more chance. One more try. One.

If this falls through or if I can't make it work I am going to strangle the life out of that little demon that keeps whispering in my ear and end my life far away from anyone who might care.

Hopefully it works out for you

Still waiting for the "right" moment I guess. Sometimes I wish something terrible would happen so I would impulsively drink the SN and get it over with.

Hopefully once I've been here long enough I can obtain SN

 

[Deleted member 8119]

naively hoping things can get better. i don't actually want to die, i just got dealt shit cards. hard to deal with health issues and chronic pain with mental health problems on top of it. I just want my health back or to accept that i can't have that and live anyway as best as i can.
also just trying to exhaust options with resources i haven't tried. at this point there's very little to try though.

SI and being scared of the process of dying also stops me. I dont think im actually scared of death.

I guess all of my reasons can just be seen as excuses.

No, they aren't at all. I've been in both sides, not wanting to die and desperately wanting to. After I've done much effort on planning my life, working on so many things, being told it was for nothing? Sorry, but I'm not willimg to renounce to something I spent so much time on. No one can do this from a mental POV, and I know how horrible it is to have all your desires taken away.

I've also been on the abyss, though. Wanting to die, but always fainting of fear. I don't blame you for not wanting a fucking panic attack every time, for not wanting to suffer enormously getting over insticts from millenia, or for wanting to have a normal life instead of having to deal with all this BS.

 

[du2497]

It would destroy my mother and also the fear of messing up somehow . As some have said, I also do not have access to a firearm or painless methods.
Also it may sound silly or trite but I want to play GTA 6 and travel by myself for a bit before I CTB.

 

[heisenberg]

the feeling of my family and sisters not having me around. i'd also miss my boyfriend and feel like i'm missing out on some experiences before i go.

 

[exiled]

Mostly survival instinct, but more so a whole lot of indecisiveness. Sometimes the pain gets so strong that I want to use it to make art, to relate to hurting people, to share my story and provide hope. Other times the pain is so unbearable that I want to hang myself on a tree and cease to exist. Sometimes I want to live and show my perpetrators that they didn't win. Other times I decide the battle isn't worth it and I stop worrying about proving anyone right.

There is so much back and forth in my brain. If there were a painless guaranteed way, I think a lot of us would answer differently. But there isn't. Which is we why have to consider so many other factors before committing.

 

[KANCEL]

Waiting for my mom, don't want to ruin her final years.

Same here, don't want to leave her to fend for herself

 

[kfad95]

It would destroy my mother and also the fear of messing up somehow . As some have said, I also do not have access to a firearm or painless methods.
Also it may sound silly or trite but I want to play GTA 6 and travel by myself for a bit before I CTB.

Definitely do some travelling!! Before I had impairment from ssris I loved travelling solo

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

100% fear of failure and the unknown on my part. Death is shrouded in mystery and the concept of permanent non-existence is difficult to grapple with.

Some small part of me too wishes that all of my chronic health issues and trauma would melt away, though my logical mind knows better than to get any more false hope at this point. Like most others, I wouldn't actually want to die if I had a semblance of a decent life, but that's simply not possible for me after years of trauma and ill health, disabilities that will permanently make me an alien to the majority of humans on this planet no matter where I go.

I thought doing things I've always wanted to do before I died and ticking things off the bucket list would help with that hesitation towards the call of the void, but it did not. A failed attempt also humiliated and humbled me, truly made it sink in how difficult it is to die.

 

[wCvML2]

Maybe it's my ego that can't yet entirely let go. I don't like the idea of losing control over my own body in the process of dying; something about it is too nauseating to me.

 

[skybox]

naively hoping things can get better. i don't actually want to die, i just got dealt shit cards. hard to deal with health issues and chronic pain with mental health problems on top of it. I just want my health back or to accept that i can't have that and live anyway as best as i can.
also just trying to exhaust options with resources i haven't tried. at this point there's very little to try though.

SI and being scared of the process of dying also stops me. I dont think im actually scared of death.

My mom telling me she'd ctb if I ever did. i know it's guilt tripping but i don't want to ruin her or my sister.

I guess all of my reasons can just be seen as excuses.

My mom told me the same thing and I 100% believe she would do it, it's my biggest reason for staying alive. Her life was way shittier than mine. I wouldn't want her to live with that level of pain because of me

 

[Circles]

Mainly my mother. She's sick and despite wanting to ctb before she passes cause I just cannot handle the grief of losing another parent I feel I should wait it out until the time comes. Also a small part of me wishes to not make my dysfunctional fucked up family even more fucked up cause I killed myself if that makes any sense.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Waiting for my Dad to go first. Not convinced I have the guts to do it even after that but, I guess I'll know when the time comes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My mom, hope that it could get better, life isn't that bad, SI, fear of failure - this is what stops me.

 

[destinationlosangel]

My mom, hope that it could get better, life isn't that bad, SI, fear of failure - this is what stops me.

same mate

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

I need an antiemetic but doctors refuse to prescribe anything but Zofran. I've tried looking at online pharmacies but they all look super scammy and I don't know what to trust

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Primarily a fear of failure. That would suck beyond words.

Fear of the experience.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I need to leave enough evidence to fully make my case as to why I had to die and why my CTB is necessary. Some people might be too stubborn to see that no matter how much effort I put into convincing them but hopefully some other people will understand and be able to mock anyone who's still stupid enough to have ever cared about me.