Lonely and desperate

[threadbythread]

This is my first time creating a post on this forum but things have been feeling really unbearable lately, so I thought I might try reaching out to see if anyone else feels similarly to how I do.

I've been in a relationship for almost eight years now, but I find myself struggling more and more with loneliness each day. I feel as though my partner resents me for having to date somebody mentally ill, and as time passes I feel him continue to pull away from me and feel he has much less sympathy or patience with me. What used to be love and compassion instead feels distant, and speaking about how I feel will inevitably end in sullen silence or in an argument about how I don't see the ways he tries to help and just criticise him. When I mention how these things have been difficult, he becomes overwhelmed by the perceived criticism in 'please, I'm really lonely and want to confide in you and receive comfort. You don't have to have answers, just a hug and a reminder that you love me', and will latch onto the part where he feels I said he doesn't do enough or care at all, and then become upset or angry about it. He always says he's unsure about how to help but when I ask for help, he's often quick to begin an argument. I try to be open on the days where I'm struggling and it only seems to exhaust him, so it hardly seems worth it anymore.

I can't blame him for falling out of love or not being able to cope with my shitty mental health anymore, but some days this really overwhelms me and contributes to my suicidal ideation. The one person who you might hope is your closest friend and confidant isn't, and I don't think they want to be. I can't describe how incredibly hopeless and lonely this makes me feel.

I feel intensely that all of our friends prefer his company, and they all enjoy discussing similar things (memes, internet culture, video games) which I wasn't able to engage in during my youth, so I feel unmoored and alienated in social interactions. If I try to bring up the things I enjoy such as certain genres of music or books, I'm met with uncomfortable reactions or silence, and sometimes suspect they resent me for bringing up 'pretentious' topics. But I'm truly just very lonely and miss discussing these things with my old friends, who I've become increasingly distanced from after moving to a new city to be with my partner.

I miss my old self so desperately, I can't stand that I've become such a neurotic and anxious person. The weight of my own decisions driven by the desire to be wanted by someone, and the desire to keep changing myself until I became the best version of someone's partner, has utterly corroded my sense of self.

I'm constantly mentally and physically burnt out. I feel like my brain doesn't even fucking work anymore. I can barely form sentences, I can't read, I don't enjoy anything. Nobody seems to have even noticed that I don't exist anymore. My eyes never focus and my body always hurts, my heart won't stop hammering away painfully, I haven't had a solid shit in years, and it seems I can barely breathe most days. I feel like my body and mind are just deteriorating, and every time I try to bring it up I end up feeling completely hopeless. I can't seem to finish my fucking degree despite being years behind, my
closest friend just moved away, the holiday season left me completely empty after my
Mother threatened to commit suicide yet again after gaslighting me about my childhood, I can't get a job, I don't have any money or life security, I'm on the verge of homelessness, and my relationship is dying. I have no family or friends that I can rely on for support. I truly have never felt more 'vulnerable' or 'at risk' than in this moment, I feel as though I'm losing the plot.

I just tried to have this conversation verbatim with my partner and he became very upset. He told me I was only criticising him, and that he does care and try to help. He followed that up with, 'if you think I don't care about you then just go the fuck away'. I've now upset him by bringing it up, and can hear banging and thumping around the house while I hide out in the study.

I feel confused, sad, scared, and so desperately lonely. Am I being unreasonable, or obstinate about my current situation? I don't have any confidants or friends I can get advice from, so could desperately use the counsel of a few strangers. I'm sorry if this post makes no sense. I've edited it half a dozen times yet can't seem to read my own sentences back to myself.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

This is my first time creating a post on this forum but things have been feeling really unbearable lately, so I thought I might try reaching out to see if anyone else feels similarly to how I do.

I've been in a relationship for almost eight years now, but I find myself struggling more and more with loneliness each day. I feel as though my partner resents me for having to date somebody mentally ill, and as time passes I feel him continue to pull away from me and feel he has much less sympathy or patience with me. What used to be love and compassion instead feels cold, and speaking about how I feel will always inevitably end in an argument about how I don't see the ways he tries to help and just criticise him. When I mention how these things have been difficult, he becomes overwhelmed by the perceived criticism in 'please, I'm really lonely and want to confide in you and receive comfort. You don't have to have answers, just a hug and a reminder that you love me', and will latch onto the part where he feels I said he doesn't do enough or care at all, and then become upset or angry about it. He always says he's unsure about how to help but rarely does anything that seems to genuinely be helpful. I try to be open on the days where I'm struggling and it only seems to exhaust him. Alternatively I'll ask for comfort and instead fall into a two hour argument that feels like total defeat.

I can't blame him for falling out of love or not being able to cope with my shitty mental health anymore, but some days this really overwhelms me and contributes to my suicidal ideation. The one person who you might hope is your closest friend and confidant isn't, and I don't think they want to be. I can't describe how incredibly hopeless and lonely this makes me feel.

I feel intensely that all of our friends prefer his company, and they all enjoy discussing similar things (memes, internet culture, video games) which I wasn't able to engage in during my youth, so I feel completely unmoored in social interactions. If I try to bring up the things I enjoy such as certain genres of music or books, I'm met with near silence, and sometimes suspect feel almost resent me for bringing up 'pretentious' topics. But I'm truly just very lonely and miss discussing these things with my old friends, who I've become increasingly distanced from after moving to a new city to be with my partner.

I miss my old self so desperately, I can't stand that I've become such a neurotic and anxious person. The weight of my own decisions driven by the desire to be wanted by someone and the desire to keep changing myself until I became the best version of someone's partner has utterly corroded my sense of self.

I just tried to have this conversation verbatim with my partner and he became very upset. He told me I was only criticising him, and that he does care and try to help. He followed that up with, 'if you think I don't care about you then just go the fuck away'. I've now upset him by bringing it up, and can hear banging and thumping around the house while I hide out in the study.


I feel confused, sad, scared, and so desperately lonely. Am I being unreasonable, or obstinate about my current situation? I don't have any confidants or friends I can get advice from, so could desperately use the counsel of a few strangers.

It doesn't sound like you're ever going to find happiness with him. It sounds like you guys aren't compatible.

 

[Pluto]

It's very important to find people who will give you the understanding and validation that you need. Trying to get that sort of support from existing people in your life (family, partner) will drive you crazy if it's something they just can't offer. I know that this is easier said than done, as I've pretty much ended up alone too. It is a very difficult situation to break free of and you are doing the right thing in seeking support.

 

[threadbythread]

It doesn't sound like you're ever going to find happiness with him. It sounds like you guys aren't compatible.

Thank you being frank. It's something that's quite difficult for me to judge, as when the depression worsens I tend to believe I'm more alienated from people than I actually am. My partner does genuinely believe that they help and support me a great deal but I'm unable to see that, and they may be quite right about that. With that being said, sometimes I'm terrified that this is the truth.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Thank you being frank. It's something that's quite difficult for me to judge, as when the depression worsens I tend to believe I'm more alienated from people than I actually am. My partner does genuinely believe that they help and support me a great deal but I'm unable to see that, and they may be quite right about that. With that being said, sometimes I'm terrified that this is the truth.

I don't know you or your situation obviously, but your post reads like someone who is unhappy in their relationship. Wouldn't you rather have a partner that doesn't get frustrated with you when you're sad? Because there are people out there who won't act like that. And maybe he needs a partner who doesn't need as much reassuring and emotional support, some people can't handle stuff like that well.

But I'm also just a stranger on the internet, so maybe I'm wrong.

 

[CameronFrye]

You sound extremely similar to me. All the symptoms you describe I've felt, especially feeling like your brain doesn't work anymore and feeling burnt out. I cant seem to finish my degree either, and the future seems scary. And your relationship sounds just like mine. We were so in love, but over our nearly 4 years together my mental health gradually declined. As it did, my partner became more and more distant, and would get annoyed at me frequently even for the smallest mistakes. I'd try to have conversations about it but she'd on it get annoyed. We essentially stopped having a physical relationship too, as she became less and less receptive to any physical intimacy. But I loved her, and I still thought she loved me, and I tried to make things better but I still struggled to deal with my mental health. Eventually she made a bunch of new, fun, mentally stable, successful friends who she began to spend more and more time with. When I'd hand out with them I felt so out of place and like they were annoyed by my presence and anything I said. It got to the point where she'd go out with them when I'd visit her (we were long distance) and not bring me because I wasn't invited. She'd even stay out all night and I wouldn't see her until the next morning. She never admitted to cheating, but she already moved on to one of those friends. It hurts immensely, but I also can't blame her for wanting to be around people who are mentally stable and successful. Now it seems she's forgotten about me and is living her best life while I'm completely alone and falling into a deeper hole.

I wish I could give you advice on your situation, but I don't think I am someone who should be giving advice. But the one thing I know for sure is you are deserving of all the love and support you need. And I feel you. And I don't think you're being unreasonable. I hope your partner is better than mine, and is somehow able to find a way to give you the love and support you need. And I hope your mental health is able to improve and you can live the life you want. I don't know how to get there as mine is falling apart, but I hope you can. And I think the meantime we are here to listen and support you the best we can.

 

[OldDrummer]

Yup, understand you and bought the tee-shirt.

A complete loss of appetite, libido, and even more importantly, a love for music.

You spiral into a complete negative feedback loop where it only gets worse every time around.

I refuse to ring a hotline and talk to well meaning amateurs. Much like AA, only peers can understand and support other peers at this depth in the pit of existence.

 

[Pau MP]

Hang in there, mate, we support you. Wishing all the best.