Venting logging back on 2 years later

[kiki <3]

hello. it's very late and i'll be heading out for a hike shortly (the air is cooler, though i generally prefer nighttime anyway), but sasu randomly came to mind while i was in the kitchen making coffee. i wouldn't say it was completely unprompted, because i feel terrible right now, but i still remember the state i was in the last time i was here: the balcony was open and i was convinced i was going to go through with it. it was around 6 am, it was a very sunny september. i even remember what i wore that morning. i can't say what stopped me though. it could've been genuine physical exhaustion from not sleeping, or perhaps a deep-seated stubbornness that still fuels me every day. but i've hit that point again where i desperately wish i could take a break, and i need to be honest with myself more than ever. i'm tired of leading myself. i am so incredibly lonely and heartbroken. it's seeping into my bones. my heart hurts. i can feel every nerve in each of my limbs. it feels like something in this lifetime excavated a significant part of who i am, and the absence of that piece screams at me every single day. i am so tired of the screaming. i tell myself to keep going because life is unpredictable, and maybe, just maybe, something will change, if i put in the effort, if i stop being so... desperate. i am desperate for a more fulfilling life, but how could i not be? that's a fundamental human instinct. i don't want to feel crazy for wanting more. but i can't keep pushing and i do feel insane. but i also don't want to let go entirely. i'm so incredibly tired. i wish i could find a way to kill all hope i have and be done with it. there were times where hope did leave me and you could say i hit rock bottom, but then transformation occurred. i just don't think i have it in me anymore to hit rock bottom again and again, and again. all i want is a peaceful life with good friends, a partner to take care of, my cat and a little house or apartment by the sea. i want to make a difference in someone's life, i want to nurture those around me, i want to laugh. i miss laughing. i miss getting a "i love you" and giving one back every day. i miss connection. everything is so unfortunate and fast paced now, i genuinely can't keep up with the world anymore and to a certain extent i don't... want to? just fucking look at it.

as for the passage of time, yeah some things did change. but life is pretty much still unfullfiling and at this point i feel like i am living past my "limit", like i was supposed to die and for whatever reason i am still here. i'm not ready to leave yet but as i was catching up with other people's posts i just thought... "yeah, i get it and i don't blame you". i also checked my inbox/dms and saw two of my messages to a girl who is likely no longer with us (there was a thread in 2024; she reported she had swallowed something and as time went on it just kept getting worse and worse, her responses were barely intelligible until she stopped responding). i'll never forget that day. i cried for this stranger i never talked to in my life and even now as i type, it's just heartbreaking to think about. my heart breaks for everyone and everything. life is profoundly tragic.

 

[Topacio]

You fall, you get up, you fall, you get up... I always think it'll be the last time I fall, but that just makes the next time even worse.
I don't understand how people do it, and I don't know if I even want to know. Life seems so... mundane, so devoid of purpose. I wonder if there really is anything else worth living for.

 

[kiki <3]

You fall, you get up, you fall, you get up... I always think it'll be the last time I fall, but that just makes the next time even worse.
I don't understand how people do it, and I don't know if I even want to know. Life seems so... mundane, so devoid of purpose. I wonder if there really is anything else worth living for.

hard agree. what makes everything even more complicated is that i feel like in modern times purpose has become extremely vague and individualistic, and i think that individualism itself is one of the key reasons life feels so devoid of it, as you said. purpose is, at least to me, communal by nature. but what "we" have done is try to cram it into an infrastructure that cannot support that system/cannot profit off of it. it got twisted and manipulated into a completely new form and now we are expected to generate meaning entirely on our own. i mean... "expected", it's not an explicit rule, but communal dependence is oftentimes frowned upon. that + millions of other factors (abuse, mental illness, disorders, and so on). it is more anger inducing than anything, really

 

[Sheller]

What the most desirable things you want to get now? Money..lover...or other?

 

[kiki <3]

What the most desirable things you want to get now? Money..lover...or other?

money is one of those things that i know for a fact would help me with particular daydreams and fantasies, and perhaps these dreams could turn into a fulfilling reality and give me a sense of accomplishment. but i think what i truly want, and have been wanting for a long time, is a stable community. just people who are my friends, who i love and am loved back by. nurturing is a huge part of who i am. i can take care of myself as much as i want, but there comes a point (and i reached that point a while ago) where you alone are simply not enough, or at least, i am not enough for myself. i need to direct that somewhere else, you know? i plan to do some volunteering soon, but it's not the same. i definitely need to start going to places on my own and, who knows, come across a like-minded somebody. my anxiety is just incredibly bad, and depression doesn't make it any easier. when i am at my worst, however, all i can do is fantasize about all the ways i can harm myself. it hurts how vivid it gets, and so much energy goes into conceptualizing my death that i get so exhausted and i don't do it. i also stay away from substances because i want to be fully present in that misery. at best i am just... here, desperate for love and care, a better tomorrow. i am somewhat "high functioning" now (i was doing badly two years ago) but there has to be more to this.