Living with Bipolar Disorder; Thoughts?

[birdie8]

Living with Bipolar plagues my mind. An estimated 0.5% to 0.6% of the world's population live with Bipolar Disorder, according to estimates from the World Health Organization and global mental health research studies. That's roughly 40 to 46 million people globally. I am one of those many.

Living with Bipolar Disorder often means existing in a constant negotiation with your own mind. It's not just "highs and lows" in a simple sense, but it's the way your sense of time, judgment, and emotional weight can shift without warning, making things that felt certain suddenly feel distant or questionable. There's a kind of exhaustion that comes from constantly trying to interpret yourself in real time, like you're both the person living the moment and the one trying to analyze whether the moment is "accurate."

For me personally, it wasn't until this year that my psychiatrist and I really discussed the reality that I am living with Bipolar Disorder. Looking back, a lot of things start to make sense in a way they didn't at the time. Still, even with that clarity, it's hard to fully process. There's a part of me that keeps getting stuck on the idea of permanence, like trying to grasp what it means to carry something like this for the rest of my life. I have no idea who I am or what I feel. I want nothing but everything at once. My brain is always on fire and I never know what to do, to put it out or fan the flames. The people around me must be so tired.

Research suggests up to 20% of people with bipolar disorder, especially when untreated, die by suicide. A larger percentage, around 20% to 60%, attempt suicide at least once during their life. Approximately 10% to 20% of individuals with bipolar disorder die by suicide, a risk that is 15 to 60 times higher than the general population.

It feels hard to imagine a normal life with this. I do my best not to let it control everything, but there is still a sense of being in survival mode more often than I want to admit. I am learning that coping is not one clear solution, but I feel so lost. Some days I look forward to the future, then others I imagine catching the bus. I wake up every day not knowing what to expect.

I am curious what that looks like for other people with bipolar, and whether life starts to feel more stable or is this a lifetime of struggling.

 

[deny_conformity]

I was diagnosed about 20 years ago. I used to cope without medication but as I've gotten older it's a lot harder to cope so I'm medicated up. It was an overdose on my mood stabiliser Lamotrigine last year that nearly killed me. Since then they've doubled my mood stabiliser, added an antipsychotic, and put me on a low dose of Sertraline to try and lift my permanently flat mood.

In some ways I'm lucky(?) because I have type two which means I avoid screwing everything up with mania. Instead I mostly have crippling depression with the occasional hypomanic. That is unless you try to treat me with antidepressants then there is a very real risk I go into drug induced mania and self destruct.

I am constantly questioning my mental status. If my mood even elevates slightly I get concerned it's hypomania. Hypomania is addictive, who wouldn't want to feel good about themselves? The high only lasts a few days, maybe a week and then I crash hard. It's like my brain decides to remind me what it is like to be happy before plunging me back into depression.

Since my last attempt I've been suffering from anhedonia and it's been even more of a struggle. My life feels like it revolves around avoiding boredom instead of seeking pleasure which is unattainable. The closest I get to hypomania is mixed episodes, which is basically all the energy and lack of sleep of a hypomanic episode but with crippling depression and extreme anxiety.

If you need someone to talk to I'm usually around, I find talking to other people with bipolar helps. It stops me feeling so desperately alone. It's the reason I go to support groups, it's nice to feel like I'm part of a group when I spend most of my life outside looking in.