Venting Living while suicidal

[Shay]

I find it horrifying when happy healthy people talk of suicides as being selfish and cowardly. Anyone who lives like this / has made an attempt knows how wrong they are. I cannot remain alive much longer, even if I take suicide out of the equation for a moment, if I were to carry on as I am I would continue to decline and suffer putting myself and others through tremendous pain.

I just got into a fight with someone who said that to me. I said you have no idea how hard it is to kill yourself. It's not cowardly. It takes a lot to overcome survival instinct. And for me suicide doesn't necessarily mean mental illness. If I wasn't losing all my hair I would not even think about it. (Same person told me I was sick.) for me I keep getting stuck bc I'm remembering the life I had 4 mo ago but that's not the life I'm leading. I'm so in denial that my life is drastically different now. When I do think about reality of what's happening then I really know I have to go. It Just makes me mad bc all those happy people used to be me and should be still

 

[josh228]

I just got into a fight with someone who said that to me. I said you have no idea how hard it is to kill yourself. It's not cowardly. It takes a lot to overcome survival instinct. And for me suicide doesn't necessarily mean mental illness. If I wasn't losing all my hair I would not even think about it. (Same person told me I was sick.) for me I keep getting stuck bc I'm remembering the life I had 4 mo ago but that's not the life I'm leading. I'm so in denial that my life is drastically different now. When I do think about reality of what's happening then I really know I have to go. It Just makes me mad bc all those happy people used to be me and should be still

suicide isnt cowardly nor is it brave. Its neutral in my opinion. Both sides are wrong. If I was to live that would be brave, but my quality of life would be shit. Committing suicide would also take bravery. If both of these situations require bravery, then its neutral in my eyes. Just stop with the labeling and let me do whats best for me haha (talking to society).

 

[josh228]

I've been feeling more content ever since the day I bought the rope. Sort of "ok, when the line will be crossed I'll have my way out ready"

buying the rope wasnt enough to make it real for me. I spent 5$ on it. Its spending hundreds on nitrogen equipment that truly make it real. I feel relaxed but at the same time so lost.

 

[okyeah]

Since I have officially given up hope it has actually helped me. I feel confident doing the bare minimum etc and don't feel bad when I fuck up at work. I don't care what others think at all.

I think knowing you will be committing suicide gets rid of a lot of that cognitive dissonance that has caused me anxiety in the past when I was unsure about doing it.

I've always wanted to die but I kept forcing myself to try with school, relationships, etc. which led to me being bullied, failing presentations, getting dumped and so on. But now that I'm doing what I really want to do (which is die) I can finally be confident in everything I do.

 

[windingdown]

People still seem to see such a light in me, I don't understand it whatsoever..

I can relate... other people seem to think I'm just dippy. They think I am interesting and have unique things to share with the world. I am minded to agree with them; the difficulty is that having interesting thoughts, and a knack for articulating them, doesn't save me from my existential malaise. It doesn't redeem the discomfort of living.

 

[windingdown]

I've been suicidal for years. I actually tried to give life a chance, and it worked for a while. But it's still too much. For years I go to bed wishing not to wake up. When I board a plane, I wish that it would fall. It's... exhausting, to live like this...

Hi there Schopenhauer. Great name. I've been perusing this - The Emptiness of Existence:
https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/essays/chapter4.html

 

[windingdown]

suicide isnt cowardly nor is it brave. Its neutral in my opinion. Both sides are wrong. If I was to live that would be brave, but my quality of life would be shit. Committing suicide would also take bravery. If both of these situations require bravery, then its neutral in my eyes. Just stop with the labeling and let me do whats best for me haha (talking to society).

Those are interesting thoughts. I think living and suiciding are both brave acts on the one hand, and both cowardly acts on the other. And that we should just forget about judging either one as cowardly (I don't believe in judgment in principle anyway), given that each is brave at the same time; but even more, because we should just leave people to make whatever choice they please, regardless of whether we see it as brave, cowardly, or anything else.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Hi there Schopenhauer. Great name. I've been perusing this - The Emptiness of Existence:
https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/essays/chapter4.html

Thanks. I was actually thinking of this one when I chose the name:
https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/pessimism/chapter3.html

It will generally be found that, as soon as the terrors of life reach the point at which they outweigh the terrors of death, a man will put an end to his life. But the terrors of death offer considerable resistance; they stand like a sentinel at the gate leading out of this world. Perhaps there is no man alive who would not have already put an end to his life, if this end had been of a purely negative character, a sudden stoppage of existence. There is something positive about it; it is the destruction of the body; and a man shrinks from that, because his body is the manifestation of the will to live.

 

[Schopenhauer]

suicide isnt cowardly nor is it brave. Its neutral in my opinion. Both sides are wrong. If I was to live that would be brave, but my quality of life would be shit. Committing suicide would also take bravery. If both of these situations require bravery, then its neutral in my eyes. Just stop with the labeling and let me do whats best for me haha (talking to society).

I agree wholeheartedly. What matters is doing what is best for ourselves.

 

[windingdown]

Thanks. I was actually thinking of this one when I chose the name:
https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/pessimism/chapter3.html

Ace. Thanks for that.