seabed_adan
Member
- May 3, 2023
- 8
I am only 22. I am unfortunately back on this website as my attempt back last year failed. The people I feared and hated were the ones who came to visit, because they were the people 'closest' to me. One of them told me they wish I had to be pumped (all they gave me was charcoal and IV) so I could see what true suffering was like-- to scare me straight, I guess. I have borderline personality disorder, along with anxiety, cPTSD, and severe depression. I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, right when I turned 19, and it's been hell ever since. I tried not to let that define me, I try every day to hide the negative aspects of it from my friends, who are my most loved ones in this world. I try every single day my hardest to not let my negativity affect others. And yet I constantly fail. I cannot hide it anymore. I am suffering.
I have a semi-complicated (to me) relationship with my best friend. We've known each other for nine, ten years now, and went to the same high school and college. I love them so much. I think I am in love with them in the most non-romantic aspect; we have had intimate moments, moments that can definitely be seen as romantic, but ultimately, I just consider that to be the peak of loving another person in life-- which should be your closest or best friend. I consider this to be my favorite person-- something I would never tell them, because the definition is even scarier. And I try not to label them like that, because it scares me. They understand, kind of. I think they are afraid of me and what I think about them. I think a lot of people think this about me. The truth is, I cannot feel received love. I love things and people and the earth so much, I would kill myself for it all. But no matter how much love people try to give me, I will never, ever feel it. It is like Moore's paradox: I know I am loved, but I do not believe I am loved (feel it). And therefore, my love will never be reciprocated by anyone. I recently ended my six year relationship because all that I could muster up was hate, hate from someone trying to give me love. I recently pushed away my best friend when he was trying to help, and now we are not talking, I think. Because he is probably tired and exhausted of trying to help me. I understand that. I wish so desperately I could be given a second, third, fourth, fifth chance at being happy. Even if I have to fake it. This isn't the first time we've stopped talking because of me and the nuances in our weird friendship dynamic. But now I think it is for real that he does not want to be around me anymore, or at the very least, trying to distance himself from me. We are now adults moving on in our lives. We must grow. And sometimes that means leaving people that hurt you behind; I know I've hurt him. He said seeing me suffer is excruciating to watch. I feel like he is going to try to move on from 'us' forever this time. I've tried. I am just not happy, no matter how things are.
That is the other thing-- I have never been happy long-term. This makes me hate myself, because I've lived a decently privileged life as an adult (growing up is a very different story). Ever since I was a tiny kid, only 5 or 6, I dealt with extreme separation anxiety, despite having distant parents and an abusive relative taking care of me as I grew up. Now, I have just recently graduated college with my dream degree that I've worked so hard for, and I already have a great job I dreamed of as well. I live in a nice apartment until July and I roommate with some of my best friends who have given me the courage to keep on living. I see my other best friends every single day and they make me so happy, but I've come to resent them lately, because I know I am not their number one choice. Especially my best friend. I feel like he constantly lies by telling me he's not closer to anyone, or that I'm number one, or that he constantly thinks of me. I know he has others, everyone does. I do not. These are my only friends. When they are all busy, I have no one to go to. So I wallow in my own self-pity and destructiveness which at this point has just become an integral part of me-- I have people who love me who beg to stop with my negative self talk, but I am in so deep I do not even notice it. So I hate myself even more because as of now I have a comfortable life, but every single day, i wake up miserable. I have people who try to help but get frustrated when they can't, and each day, I do not know how I will end it emotion-wise. Sometimes physically. I am embarrassed that I still self-harm at my own adult age. My emotions are so intense that for the past three years every single day I think about killing myself. My medicine doesn't work and I've been in and out of therapy since I was around 11 or 12-- yes, i've tried cbt, dbt, emdr, you name it. Ultimately I just have treatment-resistant depression. I end up hating all my therapists, even the ones who seem they understand, and maybe it's because I just don't want to be helped. I believe it is too late for someone like me. I hate myself for doing this to my family and friends.
The only thing I have that makes me happy is my job, and yet I feel the disgust and depression and utter sadness seeping into the corners. When it starts to affect the things I love the most, the things that I've never been taken away or distracted from, that is when I know it is over. To be burnt out my something I have never been burnt out by in my whole 22 years of living and pursuing it.
The only thing I like about myself and this disease is that at least my problems are all out of love instead of malice. I have that at least. I am looking for like-minded people. I know having an echo chamber is bad. But maybe I will be understood. Maybe one day I will phase out of my two year obsession with my relationships in my life, my best friend, and things can go back to normal, and nobody has to cut me off.
I severely doubt that. I am planning to get grills. Maybe hibachi grills, Danny Cho style haha.
I think soon I will kill myself. I am so scared of the pain though, the pain of failing or waiting in a hospital room. I want to die restfully. I do not live in a state that provides MAiD, and I am scared to order things in the mail and through the internet-- I am not tech-savvy. I do not have a car, so I cannot drive myself, and Walmart has stopped selling guns. I would totally use a gun if I could, make sure I'm doing it right.
I do not want anyone to find me. Part of me wants people to be upset. It is the one selfish act I have done in my life. I've already given everyhing to everyone, and to the earth.
I have a semi-complicated (to me) relationship with my best friend. We've known each other for nine, ten years now, and went to the same high school and college. I love them so much. I think I am in love with them in the most non-romantic aspect; we have had intimate moments, moments that can definitely be seen as romantic, but ultimately, I just consider that to be the peak of loving another person in life-- which should be your closest or best friend. I consider this to be my favorite person-- something I would never tell them, because the definition is even scarier. And I try not to label them like that, because it scares me. They understand, kind of. I think they are afraid of me and what I think about them. I think a lot of people think this about me. The truth is, I cannot feel received love. I love things and people and the earth so much, I would kill myself for it all. But no matter how much love people try to give me, I will never, ever feel it. It is like Moore's paradox: I know I am loved, but I do not believe I am loved (feel it). And therefore, my love will never be reciprocated by anyone. I recently ended my six year relationship because all that I could muster up was hate, hate from someone trying to give me love. I recently pushed away my best friend when he was trying to help, and now we are not talking, I think. Because he is probably tired and exhausted of trying to help me. I understand that. I wish so desperately I could be given a second, third, fourth, fifth chance at being happy. Even if I have to fake it. This isn't the first time we've stopped talking because of me and the nuances in our weird friendship dynamic. But now I think it is for real that he does not want to be around me anymore, or at the very least, trying to distance himself from me. We are now adults moving on in our lives. We must grow. And sometimes that means leaving people that hurt you behind; I know I've hurt him. He said seeing me suffer is excruciating to watch. I feel like he is going to try to move on from 'us' forever this time. I've tried. I am just not happy, no matter how things are.
That is the other thing-- I have never been happy long-term. This makes me hate myself, because I've lived a decently privileged life as an adult (growing up is a very different story). Ever since I was a tiny kid, only 5 or 6, I dealt with extreme separation anxiety, despite having distant parents and an abusive relative taking care of me as I grew up. Now, I have just recently graduated college with my dream degree that I've worked so hard for, and I already have a great job I dreamed of as well. I live in a nice apartment until July and I roommate with some of my best friends who have given me the courage to keep on living. I see my other best friends every single day and they make me so happy, but I've come to resent them lately, because I know I am not their number one choice. Especially my best friend. I feel like he constantly lies by telling me he's not closer to anyone, or that I'm number one, or that he constantly thinks of me. I know he has others, everyone does. I do not. These are my only friends. When they are all busy, I have no one to go to. So I wallow in my own self-pity and destructiveness which at this point has just become an integral part of me-- I have people who love me who beg to stop with my negative self talk, but I am in so deep I do not even notice it. So I hate myself even more because as of now I have a comfortable life, but every single day, i wake up miserable. I have people who try to help but get frustrated when they can't, and each day, I do not know how I will end it emotion-wise. Sometimes physically. I am embarrassed that I still self-harm at my own adult age. My emotions are so intense that for the past three years every single day I think about killing myself. My medicine doesn't work and I've been in and out of therapy since I was around 11 or 12-- yes, i've tried cbt, dbt, emdr, you name it. Ultimately I just have treatment-resistant depression. I end up hating all my therapists, even the ones who seem they understand, and maybe it's because I just don't want to be helped. I believe it is too late for someone like me. I hate myself for doing this to my family and friends.
The only thing I have that makes me happy is my job, and yet I feel the disgust and depression and utter sadness seeping into the corners. When it starts to affect the things I love the most, the things that I've never been taken away or distracted from, that is when I know it is over. To be burnt out my something I have never been burnt out by in my whole 22 years of living and pursuing it.
The only thing I like about myself and this disease is that at least my problems are all out of love instead of malice. I have that at least. I am looking for like-minded people. I know having an echo chamber is bad. But maybe I will be understood. Maybe one day I will phase out of my two year obsession with my relationships in my life, my best friend, and things can go back to normal, and nobody has to cut me off.
I severely doubt that. I am planning to get grills. Maybe hibachi grills, Danny Cho style haha.
I think soon I will kill myself. I am so scared of the pain though, the pain of failing or waiting in a hospital room. I want to die restfully. I do not live in a state that provides MAiD, and I am scared to order things in the mail and through the internet-- I am not tech-savvy. I do not have a car, so I cannot drive myself, and Walmart has stopped selling guns. I would totally use a gun if I could, make sure I'm doing it right.
I do not want anyone to find me. Part of me wants people to be upset. It is the one selfish act I have done in my life. I've already given everyhing to everyone, and to the earth.
