Living isn’t worth it for me

[burninghill]

I struggle with very extreme anhedonia, the only thing I enjoy right now is Overwatch, which is embarrassing to admit but you know, playing it is better than killing myself.
I don't enjoy anything about living (besides maybe food), which means that everything that causes hardship puts my enjoyment of life in the negative.

When I think about living, I'm not biased. I don't think that living is an inherently negative or torturous thing, but it always feels like one step forward, three steps back.

I could have one good day, but I'm sure it will be countered by a dozen horrible things shortly after. Are those good days really worth it? Especially when I barely get them anymore.

I don't have any friends left, I don't have a boyfriend. All I do is try to get rewards on this game and hold out for the day when I finally give into getting high again because God is that something to look forward to.

I used to always smoke a superking at my window late at night and listen to hole when I was really suicidal. I'm doing it now and I feel like I've been taken straight back there. I hate this life.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i feel quite similarly, all i can really enjoy doing is playing minecraft. nothing else much feels worth it.

 

[ardea]

I feel you. magic the gathering's the only thing I really get exited about nowadays. I don't even get anything out of genshin anymore, and I've been really into it for five years or so (and hsr since launch). a bit ironic that the thing I still enjoy is math: the card game, but here we are. I got into overwatch a month or two ago and it's great, but my reflexes and aim suck. and I one trick juno so there's not even that much aiming involved. I'm also still really into evangelion, but that's more of a personality trait than an interest at this point. btw idk if it was on purpose but you posted at 4:20 lol

 

[fleurdelune]

i'm sorry :( i suffer (heavy on the suffering ahahah fml) from constant anhedonia as well and it is hell on earth. anything that a normal person might find enjoyable is an agonizing chore in my mind and i fucking hate it. and the best part is that it seems like no doctor really knows how to treat anhedonia, either... which is kind of a problem because it's a major part of my being unwell. it's like there's something deeply physically wrong with my brain that no med or therapy can fix

i hope you manage one day to take pleasure in as many things as you'd like, although i know it probably feels really hopeless right now. it's good that you at least have overwatch :]

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I don't enjoy anything either
nothing drowns out the thoughts anymore
I'm either dissociating or just hoping I get messaged anywhere
frustrating

 

[khora]

I don't enjoy anything either
nothing drowns out the thoughts anymore
I'm either dissociating or just hoping I get messaged anywhere
frustrating

Fuck and I've been as patient since the last 8 years.
In spite of everything; i kept what i learnt close to my heart like a dagger.. but it's like they'll never get to understand or admit it through the similar kind of silence we've experienced growing up, and that's something that tends to seperate everyone.
It's something i can't readily hand out. They wouldn't accept it, or care to; i'd prefer having them dig a six feet hole with bloody hands the way i've done, instead of filling the air with transient bullshit that burns out like a ciggarette to make up for lost time. What stays is permanent and that'll shine through everything in spite of what you think.
I wouldn't crawl on the ground for it though, ever. Unless it was mutual..
I looked forward to seeing those die who thought they could fuck with me and get away with it, when all i'm doing is scratching lines on the wall waiting for it to get to 5.
In fact, they are where you are following behind, all this time, as much as the search that had started this; that's what makes me fucking laugh...in retrospect, we all die for the truth of what our lives were. So can you count backwards with your fingers?
Everything is an open door when you realize you're the one holding the key, but how much can you really endure, how difficult can you make it passing the days the way we did and figure it out..

 

[burninghill]

I feel you. magic the gathering's the only thing I really get exited about nowadays. I don't even get anything out of genshin anymore, and I've been really into it for five years or so (and hsr since launch). a bit ironic that the thing I still enjoy is math: the card game, but here we are. I got into overwatch a month or two ago and it's great, but my reflexes and aim suck. and I one trick juno so there's not even that much aiming involved. I'm also still really into evangelion, but that's more of a personality trait than an interest at this point. btw idk if it was on purpose but you posted at 4:20 lol

Haha my aim is shit, I'm also on controller (not console) which is another variable working against me. Juno is adorable. My friend mains her. I've been trying to learn Hanzo and it's been a journey.

Grinding the battlepass for prisms is what's been keeping me going.

 

[littlepup159]

I enjoy right now is Overwatch, which is embarrassing to admit

It is not embarrasing to admit it. I like to play Entropy Zero 2 and masturbating. It keeps me a little bit going.

 

[cecil]

I feel you. I've cut off most of my friends and my family as I just don't feel like living. For me, I just play Valorant sometimes for fun.

 

[lastappleonearth]

I struggle with very extreme anhedonia, the only thing I enjoy right now is Overwatch, which is embarrassing to admit but you know, playing it is better than killing myself.
I don't enjoy anything about living (besides maybe food), which means that everything that causes hardship puts my enjoyment of life in the negative.

When I think about living, I'm not biased. I don't think that living is an inherently negative or torturous thing, but it always feels like one step forward, three steps back.

I could have one good day, but I'm sure it will be countered by a dozen horrible things shortly after. Are those good days really worth it? Especially when I barely get them anymore.

I don't have any friends left, I don't have a boyfriend. All I do is try to get rewards on this game and hold out for the day when I finally give into getting high again because God is that something to look forward to.

I used to always smoke a superking at my window late at night and listen to hole when I was really suicidal. I'm doing it now and I feel like I've been taken straight back there. I hate this life.

I relate to this in a lot of ways tbh, tho the only thing left I kinda still enjoy is watching shows. I sit in front of the TV for hours like a zombie, but I like it I guess. I just binge watched Silo in a couple of days, can recommend btw. Idk, all my friends have left as well, I don't even remember my last good day.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this, I hope it gets better for you

 

[Penelope12]

I liked travelling, but I don't have any Money right now, so nothing makes me Happy. Do you like travelling?

 

[ardea]

Haha my aim is shit, I'm also on controller (not console) which is another variable working against me. Juno is adorable. My friend mains her. I've been trying to learn Hanzo and it's been a journey.

Grinding the battlepass for prisms is what's been keeping me going.

ooh nice, hanzo is cool. I haven't used controllers much in general, but ow on a controller seems hard. being able to play the game to any extent on a controller is pretty impressive imo.
so far I've gotten through one bp so I could get juno's mythic skin with the heart blasters. I mostly like her for her mobility stuff (you know what they say, trans people can double jump) and voicelines. "I have no idea what is going on" she just like me fr

 

[burninghill]

It is not embarrasing to admit it. I like to play Entropy Zero 2 and masturbating. It keeps me a little bit going.

Heavy on the masturbating for me lmao

I liked travelling, but I don't have any Money right now, so nothing makes me Happy. Do you like travelling?

No I don't unfortunately. I wanted to go to Seven Sisters Cliffs, but really only because it's a well known suicide spot.

ooh nice, hanzo is cool. I haven't used controllers much in general, but ow on a controller seems hard. being able to play the game to any extent on a controller is pretty impressive imo.
so far I've gotten through one bp so I could get juno's mythic skin with the heart blasters. I mostly like her for her mobility stuff (you know what they say, trans people can double jump) and voicelines. "I have no idea what is going on" she just like me fr

I love the voice line she has with Torbjorn where she gets confused about his turret not having a name because she 'thought all babies had names'