Venting Living for the sake of others

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

My sister stole my phone to watch videos on it while I wasn’t paying attention. She saw I was on SS and cried herself to sleep because she told me, “If I leave her she will be all alone.”
I comforted her and told her that it didn’t mean anything and that I was still here.

My heart is broken. She doesn’t deserve to deal with my loss. All my life i’ve been living for others to spare them the grief and energy it takes dealing with death. But now I wanna end it all because living isn’t worth it if all I feel is pain. Living for others only hurts me more. I waited all this time and nothing in me has changed. I know i’m young and have barely started my life, but what is there really to wait for? If I live for my sister to spare her, I have to keep sucking up all this mental anguish. It’s just a matter of how much longer. It’s inevitable, I keep thinking to myself....why wait until i’m old if I will be in the same position if not worse?

I wonder if giving therapy a try would help even though it hasn’t before. I wonder if taking medication would have any affect in making me feel normal. Have I been in too deep? Is there still a chance for me to live my life? I feel like those would only work if I had started out early. Now that i’ve seen this side of the world, I don’t think I can ever see anything the same again. I’m such a wreck. I can’t believe all of this is happening when I planned thoroughly and have accepted death.

 

[Nymph]

That’s really sad, I’m kinda in the same situation. I’m an only child so when I ctb my parents will be alone and it will hurt them. But I don’t want to live just so they aren’t sad. Because they brought me into this hateful world after all. I know you must be in a hard dilemma but you can’t always put everyone first, sometimes you gotta be selfish and do what you want, if it is what you really want of course

 

[Ghost2211]

That must have been pretty hard on her. She really shouldn’t taking people things like that either though.... It is quite hard living for others. Only you can know if it’s the right choice. Just take super good care of yourself, and do things that make you feel good. For me it’s weed and snacks. If you get to a point that you can’t keep doing it that isn’t your fault, and you did your best.

 

[Sensei]

I wonder if giving therapy a try would help even though it hasn’t before. I wonder if taking medication would have any affect in making me feel normal.

What do you have to lose?

Have I been in too deep? Is there still a chance for me to live my life?

I don't think anyone of us can recover fully, but I believe we can recover to 90 %. That's good enough for me.

 

[justsad&done]

I'm sad for you. And your sister. The pressure you're feeling is because you truly are a good person. You have compassion and you care. I too, stay alive for others...but I know there will be a time when my pain is too great, and I hope they will let me rest in peace. Hugs

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

What do you have to lose?

Thank you Sensei for your reply. I am afraid to be sent to a psych ward or getting my family in trouble. I don’t need to be in a psych ward, it won’t help me. Also, I was badly abused and molested at a young age. The molester is gone and there isn’t abuse anymore, but last time I talked to my college’s counselor, they called CPS as my sister is still a kid, and what I said worried them as I still live with the abusers (they don’t abuse anymore). I don’t want to go through that again because they threatened their job, which supports this family. Lastly, I am afraid of being reliant on medication, as they can have horrible side affects and weening off them is very dangerous. The only thing that would make me want to keep living is getting amnesia so the trauma would stop making my life hell.

 

[ecmnesia]

Now that i’ve seen this side of the world, I don’t think I can ever see anything the same again

i feel you.



no advice i could possibly come up with would take such a burden out of your shoulders. on the one hand, there are your sister feelings. on the other, you own pain.... it's to hard to find an answer to this, if there is even one. but i stand by what i believe i told you on another thread. an injured person can't do good for others. it's cruel, if you look at it through some angles, but we should all put ourselves first.

from the bottom of my heart though, cause I've dealing with sudden sparks of hope that come out of nowhere right after i was certain that i made my peace with death, if there is a minimum piece of you, who still has the energy to give another shot, no matter how crazy, or small, or stupid it might seem, go for it.

the majority of us, has nothing to lose and you can always count on your back up plan (let's put it that way) if things go wrong or you change your mind along the way.

sending lots of love. i adore you ❤

plus: if you are not comfortable with the therapy approach and docs (as i am atm), there are alternative paths you could explore like meditation, books (I've started a great one called Complex PTSD: blablabla that @Bea [rip] recommended me, of you are interested I can text you with more details), getting more exposed to sunlight and etc (i am still searching for effective ways :p).

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm in the same boat. I wish there was some way that I could get the people I care about to understand why I've committed suicide, after I am gone, but I'm not sure what I could say in a note that would help. It hurts me knowing how it will affect them, but I know that it's inevitable and it always has been, but living for the sake of other people just isn't worth it in my opinion. I sometimes hope that I can find a better reason to live, but so far I haven't found it yet.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and that your sister knows about SS. I feel like you should give yourself a chance to find something that makes life worth living for you. Even if it doesn't work, at least you tried and all you can really do after that is let the people you care the most about know how much you tried for them.