
OopsIdidntwanttodie
Ctb by the 20th of December
- Oct 11, 2020
- 137
My sister stole my phone to watch videos on it while I wasn’t paying attention. She saw I was on SS and cried herself to sleep because she told me, “If I leave her she will be all alone.”
I comforted her and told her that it didn’t mean anything and that I was still here.
My heart is broken. She doesn’t deserve to deal with my loss. All my life i’ve been living for others to spare them the grief and energy it takes dealing with death. But now I wanna end it all because living isn’t worth it if all I feel is pain. Living for others only hurts me more. I waited all this time and nothing in me has changed. I know i’m young and have barely started my life, but what is there really to wait for? If I live for my sister to spare her, I have to keep sucking up all this mental anguish. It’s just a matter of how much longer. It’s inevitable, I keep thinking to myself....why wait until i’m old if I will be in the same position if not worse?
I wonder if giving therapy a try would help even though it hasn’t before. I wonder if taking medication would have any affect in making me feel normal. Have I been in too deep? Is there still a chance for me to live my life? I feel like those would only work if I had started out early. Now that i’ve seen this side of the world, I don’t think I can ever see anything the same again. I’m such a wreck. I can’t believe all of this is happening when I planned thoroughly and have accepted death.
I comforted her and told her that it didn’t mean anything and that I was still here.
My heart is broken. She doesn’t deserve to deal with my loss. All my life i’ve been living for others to spare them the grief and energy it takes dealing with death. But now I wanna end it all because living isn’t worth it if all I feel is pain. Living for others only hurts me more. I waited all this time and nothing in me has changed. I know i’m young and have barely started my life, but what is there really to wait for? If I live for my sister to spare her, I have to keep sucking up all this mental anguish. It’s just a matter of how much longer. It’s inevitable, I keep thinking to myself....why wait until i’m old if I will be in the same position if not worse?
I wonder if giving therapy a try would help even though it hasn’t before. I wonder if taking medication would have any affect in making me feel normal. Have I been in too deep? Is there still a chance for me to live my life? I feel like those would only work if I had started out early. Now that i’ve seen this side of the world, I don’t think I can ever see anything the same again. I’m such a wreck. I can’t believe all of this is happening when I planned thoroughly and have accepted death.