Living and dying out of disdain

[sacrilegeofsouls]

By every measure I wish to be rid of this pathetic existence but if there is one emotion that's stronger within me than regret and disappointment it's hate,spite I can't bear the thought of ending it without getting even with some of the people that irk me the thing is it's not like these people even know me it's this guy that shoved me once a long time ago but I have obsessive grudges and I fantasize about hurting him all the time well not fantasize I did end up punching him once and pushing him onto a table but it didn't feel enough I don't feel like I can end it without me one on oneing this guy and knocking his teeth out but anyway yeah I feel like before I ctb I'm gonna take care of all the loose ends I have. And it's weird because he probably never even thinks about me but I can't get him out of my mind and there's so many other people like that I just can't die without letting them know just how much I detest their existence and every thread of their being. To me
Death is not out of hatred for myself I want to ctb because I think the world isn't good enough for me because I think I deserve a greater existence than to dwell amongst the pathetic people that I dwell amongst now and I don't deserve a brain that tortures and defiles me 24/7 with obsessions I think my life is an utter disgrace to my being. I have some cool Internet friends though I love em I wish there were more people like that there's so many awesome people on this site

 

[FF777]

it feels like planet of the apes some times.. the competency crisis is real....... no one can do any thing any more these days.. it drives me crazy how like so many stores and businesses i go in to or drive by don't have signs looking proper or their LED sign will be broken for months etc.. it's like who is even managing this place?? or like all the systems in companies and governments that don't work right and are broken and inefficient..

but if you sort of see things in a similar way then yeah it sucks having to deal with a planet of dodo brains, but it also might mean you have a lot of potential to do big things and like start companies or be a content creator or just like........ probably what ever you set your mind to you will be able to do it better than any one else can, and so there is potential there to be very successful, and then you can at least have more fun while you are on this planet..

i hope you don't mind this example but, look at elon musk, the richest dude in the world right now.. it's because he actually delivers real value in his products.. he is actually competent and gets things done and actually innovates things.. he makes cars do what no other cars can.. you can literally just get in these days and talk to it like kitt from nightrider and tell it to go to a location half way across the state and it just drives the entire way automatically.. and he is doing things with rockets NASA couldn't dream of.. rockets that are reusable and can even just hover vertically in air in one place with out moving.. his starlink stuff lets any one access the internet from any where, even on a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean.. he is an example of what one man can accomplish if he is just competent and actually has a brain to think of what needs to be done to give tons of value to the customers.. people (and businesses/governments that contract things like the rockets etc) see the value and will give tons of money for it.. so there is real potential out there for a competent person to be rich as hell..

but i honestly feel like i don't really need to be on this planet either.. i don't want to incarnate again after this (probably).. this world isn't good enough for me in so many aspects.. i feel like if this planet can't cater to me well enough then i don't HAVE to be here..

but i am very lighthearted and always love playing around and goofing off and having a good time, and so even though i have some major disabilities i actually don't really FEEL depression that much..... it's more like my disabilities are just constant annoyances for me.. and so that makes it really hard for me to CTB.... i don't know WHY i am like this but just yesterday i planned to CTB for the first real time in my life, and i COULD NOT do it........ it was the scariest thing in the world (my method was going to be H2S).. all i had to do was mix 2 things together and bam i'm instantly dead.. and i panicked so hard and had to hurry and pay over $900 to get them to cancel my eviction really fast (i was purposely not paying rent even though i could have)..

as far as the grudges, i can get those some times too i think.. it depends on the person and the situation though.. but one way i think about it some times if it isn't any thing too huge they did to me is kind of like: almost like their social credit score just lowered, and so now i won't be treating them as well any more if i'm ever in a situation where i can help or hurt them in the future.. maybe they get lucky and i'm never really in a position where i am deciding on whether to help them or not, but either way, when they do some thing to annoy me some times i think "why would you want to do some thing like this to me and ruin your social credit score with me? that's a pretty dumb thing of you to do".. and so it kind of defers the revenge for potentially some time later.. you just have to be okay with not always being able to exact the revenge instantly right at this moment.. but just know that they are making their social credit score with you lower each time they transgress you..

 

[ETCETERA]

By every measure I wish to be rid of this pathetic existence but if there is one emotion that's stronger within me than regret and disappointment it's hate,spite I can't bear the thought of ending it without getting even with some of the people that irk me the thing is it's not like these people even know me it's this guy that shoved me once a long time ago but I have obsessive grudges and I fantasize about hurting him all the time well not fantasize I did end up punching him once and pushing him onto a table but it didn't feel enough I don't feel like I can end it without me one on oneing this guy and knocking his teeth out but anyway yeah I feel like before I ctb I'm gonna take care of all the loose ends I have. And it's weird because he probably never even thinks about me but I can't get him out of my mind and there's so many other people like that I just can't die without letting them know just how much I detest their existence and every thread of their being. To me
Death is not out of hatred for myself I want to ctb because I think the world isn't good enough for me because I think I deserve a greater existence than to dwell amongst the pathetic people that I dwell amongst now and I don't deserve a brain that tortures and defiles me 24/7 with obsessions I think my life is an utter disgrace to my being. I have some cool Internet friends though I love em I wish there were more people like that there's so many awesome people on this site

This is my first time replying to another post on here, so I don't really know of any words of solace for you, but it was just the first time I really felt the similarity so I got the somewhat selfish urge to respond to your post.

I feel the exact same way in almost every single regard, to what you've written. I've never seen anyone verbalise it so perfectly down to the specific details.

I don't know if you feel similarly, but for me, my hatred runs so deep I largely percieved CBT as one end of an ultimatum. Either the world has to go or I do.

I'm sorry if this is an irritating or a rather useless response, but I really can't help but be in awe of the solidarity...? I feel? I'm unsure if that was the correct word to use.