Living a life or contradiction

[Water-Lily]

I am constantly at odds on how to see my mother

Greiving the loss of not just her, but what I lacked in a stable unconditionally loving presence is also something I think about. A lot

It's an unnecessary burden I carry in my 20's, a burden I don't think is shared much within my age group

Sometimes I wish I attempted to "heal" at a much later age to avoid this pain I carry around me

I still struggle with how to see her, how I label her and the things she did to me. I at times feel I am too "weak" and not strong enough in how I choose to speak about her

It's why I hesitate to speak about the things she did to me openly due to fear of shame, labels, and being forced to see the truth in ways I'm not ready for/don't want to

Because all in all, I still do love my mom

In reflecting on the evil of her character, I remember the little notes she'd leave in my lunch boxes for school reminding me of her care

How every day she'd pick me up from school she'd ask "how was your day? What did you learn?"

How she'd take me to fun outings and would surprise me with my favorite video games I escaped hours of my life into

How she'd place her hand on my forehead and say "I love you. You know that right?"

Perhaps there are hints of narcissism sprinkled throughout these examples, hence not caring as much as she claims she did

But I feel like I still felt her presence at times

And I can look back and also see her struggles and pain. Of how she wanted to and tried to survive but was riddled by her own traumas she was unwilling to process, much like I struggle with what she gave me

I don't even know what I'm really writing about, and I still feel guilty for how I still shudder with certain words and phrases surrounding my moms abuse

Guilt and shame I carry and try endlessly to talk about in therapy (though I fail most of the time)

It hurts being broken and human

 

[Pluto]

I've recently been struggling with memories of a former friend who was so empathic, generous and caring at times, yet underneath it all was like a demon trying to overcompensate. I can see where the myth of the werewolf comes from. I put so much trust in her but in the end, she ripped me off a bunch of money and then became super-avoidant, limiting communication to online chat. In the context of knowing I could die at any time, it was one of the cruelest things anyone's done to me.

It makes me wonder if your mother was more bipolar than narcissistic. My former friend got a bipolar diagnosis and it's left me with contradictory feelings just like what you describe. Everything would have been perfect if she could have been her 'good' self but never her 'bad' self.

There can be behavioural similarities with narcissism - arrogance and entitlement - but it's a different condition entirely. One huge difference was that compared to my Nfamily, my bipolar friend did genuinely suffer when she hurt others, but seemingly couldn't help herself.

It might help you to have a more accurate diagnosis, as the word 'narcissist' is grossly overused in pop psychology as a catch-all term for people who are insufficiently empathic. I could be way off, but it's just a thought.

 

[Water-Lily]

I've recently been struggling with memories of a former friend who was so empathic, generous and caring at times, yet underneath it all was like a demon trying to overcompensate. I can see where the myth of the werewolf comes from. I put so much trust in her but in the end, she ripped me off a bunch of money and then became super-avoidant, limiting communication to online chat. In the context of knowing I could die at any time, it was one of the cruelest things anyone's done to me.

It makes me wonder if your mother was more bipolar than narcissistic. My former friend got a bipolar diagnosis and it's left me with contradictory feelings just like what you describe. Everything would have been perfect if she could have been her 'good' self but never her 'bad' self.

There can be behavioural similarities with narcissism - arrogance and entitlement - but it's a different condition entirely. One huge difference was that compared to my Nfamily, my bipolar friend did genuinely suffer when she hurt others, but seemingly couldn't help herself.

It might help you to have a more accurate diagnosis, as the word 'narcissist' is grossly overused in pop psychology as a catch-all term for people who are insufficiently empathic. I could be way off, but it's just a thought.

I agree. I feel throwing around the word "narcissist" all the time takes away from people who were genuine victims of actual narcissists

I've been told that about my mom. That she might have been bipolar or even BPD (borderline). Both are possible

I think it's also way I struggled to fit into narc groups online, particularly as while my mom had strong narc behaviors she also had those moments where she felt human. So hard to process

As for you, though your friend may have this own demons it wasn't fair to you to be victim to her behavior. I do hope you can keep you distance from her and that she in turn can get some help

 

[Pluto]

I'd suggest asking your therapist about it. I can imagine that it would feel confusing and invalidating to be associating with narcissism-focused groups when there are unique challenges with other conditions. I have an aunty with bipolar also, and I heard that her son was never sure if his mother was going to be aggressive or loving.

The 'positive' aspect of my Nfather was that he never showed the slightest warmth towards me and was always passive-aggressive. He was a genuine narcissist, setting himself up to be worshipped by the wider community, where he was like a celebrity. Grandiose, smug and cruel. But at least he was very consistent, so I was never teased with the experience of a caring father.

My former friend and I went our separate ways, but it still plays on my mind because she ended up doing the same thing as Nfather - taking advantage of my vulnerability to take out her anger at other people who she had grievances with. Obviously that's on me, since I don't have boundaries and am just repeating my childhood abuse ad nauseam.

My bipolar friend grew up during a central American civil war and survived the acute traumas by retreating to her own fantasy world. As an adult, she dissociated a lot and resorted to lying constantly to protect her 'inner child'. This led inevitably to various abuses towards others - false allegations, gaslighting, misinformation. When she felt guilt about causing hurt, she coped by lying even more and it could snowball like crazy. After nearly 20 years of friendship, we went our separate ways.

Anyway, I mention all this so that hopefully you can achieve a more accurate understanding of what your mother was going through. It will help you to get support that better fits your needs. Validation is very important.