Lilythefenfen
Exhausted of trying
- May 8, 2023
- 95
Good evening everyone, got about 6 minutes to post this vent before the wifi is shut off on my computer and I transition to my phone.
Been a long while since I posted, a lot of my anger has become just numbness. There is an emptiness inside that I feel that just can't be filled, I don't understand why. I'm told every day that I'm loved by people who genuinely mean it, but at the same time theres that doubt. A doubt my rapist left me. A doubt that somehow I'm undeserving of that love, and I tend to believe everything they have said to me.
I remember getting beaten after he did things to me, as he screamed at me as I laid there in the tub. "Who the fuck would ever love a disgusting piece of shit like you?"
I know that sometimes, you can't believe what is told to you, but when it's told to you over and over and over again, it's ingrained inside of you.
One of these days, can't say when at this point, it will finally slosh over.
In the meantime, I'm on a call with my boyfriend, possibly future fiance, say hello to him so I can prove you all aren't scary, spread a message of love, I and the rest of this world could use it, and just say hi. I'm so god damn lonely right now, it sucks.
And to the person reading this as I write this right now, know that I love you with all my heart, I'm sorry my emotions make it hard to express that love, I hope you can forgive me. My abuser took that voice away, that brightness. But I do love you, so very much...
Been a long while since I posted, a lot of my anger has become just numbness. There is an emptiness inside that I feel that just can't be filled, I don't understand why. I'm told every day that I'm loved by people who genuinely mean it, but at the same time theres that doubt. A doubt my rapist left me. A doubt that somehow I'm undeserving of that love, and I tend to believe everything they have said to me.
I remember getting beaten after he did things to me, as he screamed at me as I laid there in the tub. "Who the fuck would ever love a disgusting piece of shit like you?"
I know that sometimes, you can't believe what is told to you, but when it's told to you over and over and over again, it's ingrained inside of you.
One of these days, can't say when at this point, it will finally slosh over.
In the meantime, I'm on a call with my boyfriend, possibly future fiance, say hello to him so I can prove you all aren't scary, spread a message of love, I and the rest of this world could use it, and just say hi. I'm so god damn lonely right now, it sucks.
And to the person reading this as I write this right now, know that I love you with all my heart, I'm sorry my emotions make it hard to express that love, I hope you can forgive me. My abuser took that voice away, that brightness. But I do love you, so very much...
