Venting limited time with boyfriend, don't see a point

[kanamycinklavsta]

hi, it's my first post here. I've been lurking for a couple years before I decided to make an account and finally post. I don't really know what i'm looking for out of this. maybe the feeling that there are other people who see me and understand what i'm going through even if I get no reply. it's comforting.

i like to think that i try to be a reasonable person, despite my emotions swaying how I feel 90% of the time. around the time when my mental health wasn't so bad, my boyfriend and i agreed that we were going to break up at some point because he has to move to a completely different continent. we talked about it for a long time, multiple times. we are still young, and it would be beneficial for us to explore what else is out there instead of trying to make a long distance relationship work. but the more I spend time with him, the more I fall in love with him.

I grew up raising myself, being alienated because i'm neurodivergent with moderate support needs and reactive. kids in middle school were telling me they felt like they were walking around eggshells just to be my friend. i was alone or felt alone for almost all of my middle school and highschool years. i felt like nobody understood me, i honestly just felt like i was talking to npcs or i was an npc depending on the day.

until i met him. at first it felt like he didn't understand me at first too, but he wanted to try. the closer he got to me the more he found out about how mentally fucked I am but still wanted to stay with me and help me. i made an effort to get better so i wouldn't depend on him too much. but it's hard loving him when i'm aware that the time of our relationship is almost up. i hate to admit it because it's not stable or secure of me to, but he is my lifeline. he made me see that there are things worth living for. especially when I ended up dropping out of school in highschool because i just had never had any fucking idea what I was doing and nobody knew how to help me because I was too severe of a case for them, it felt like i had nothing to look forward to anymore, not like i ever did in the first place. i had nothing to do, i don't know what i'm going to do for myself financially. but he made me see how much I could just enjoy myself regardless of my problems. he never judges me, he listens to what i have to say and tries to understand me even though i feel like he doesn't know what to do because i'm way too mentally ill for him to even begin to comprehend even though he has depression anxiety and ocd himself. he is so kind and caring, he makes so many mistakes and it makes me love him more because he's just so human. i have learnt so much about myself spending time with him. lessons i could've brought into my future to become a better and healthier person. i love spending time with him. what am i going to do without him? i don't see anything for myself after august. there's just going to be nothing for me like there has been nothing for me to begin with.

i want to ctb, have had urges and plans i never was able to execute ever since I was 13. because my entire life is one big joke. i don't know what the hell i've done for my entire life but exist and do nothing. i remember feeling depressed and having intense bouts of anger that made me want to scream and rip my skin apart since I was a toddler. other than that, i don't even remember much of my existence here. i don't see a point. he just delayed it. he also showed me that the world can be so kind and loving to you if you find the right people. but i've lived my life in trauma and depression for so long. i don't want this to have to deal with this forever. i think me being happy with him wouldve outweighed the depression. in another life i would've continued going on for him and get better. i want to. i don't really want to ctb. but now he's gone and i don't know how long until i'll move on from him and find my people. i'm tired of waiting, i don't want to wait anymore.

sometimes i'd hint to him that I want out. i feel like such a horrible person for doing it but i want to talk about it without hurting him. i want to tell someone so bad just to be listened, not to feel like they're going to stop me from doing anything or try to help me because they care. because i don't believe i can be helped. i watched professionals, teachers and school admin say to my face that they can't help me, and they don't know what to do. i don't really know if he would realize when i implied it but today he did. he told me that if i was gone he would be so devastated if something happened to me. i told him that he would be sad for a bit but move on and find other people that don't make him sad. he told me that one day he would move on but he would never truly get over it. he didn't want to make it about himself but he was just telling me to make sure i was safe. i believe him, but i don't really think his words matter because he's going to be gone anyway. he wants to be around for me online even after we have broken up so I can still talk to him, and i appreciate the gesture but i'd never get over him. i can't bare the pain of watching my baby slowly get over me and find someone else. i'm so selfish i think i'd rather get rid of my pain than him be sad over me. at least i won't be there to see it. it's such a horrible thing for me to admit but it's how i feel regardless of what i try to tell myself.

I think that if I can just be gone, i won't even register anything and i won't have to be sad anymore. like i have been for my entire life. i don't want to hope like I did when I met him, it's such a disgusting feeling to think that it'd get better and then it dawns on you that it won't be like this forever just because of a geographical location. life is so cruel to those who never asked to be here or experience any of this.

 

[orangecrush]

i'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. i'm going to share my own story and maybe it will make you feel a little less alone. i'm not in the exact same situation but its similar.

i'm in a long-term relationship with my partner, we've been together for years, and we are also both young. and i am very, very dependent on them to survive, to a pitiful degree. i try so hard to keep my mental health issues as boxed up as i can but i just can't stop myself from showing obvious symptoms of depression. my partner has seen me at my absolute lowest points, they've seen me isolate from everyone trying to help me, they've seen me covered in my own blood from self-inflicted wounds, and the worst part is they know i'm suicidal. they don't know i have plans but they know how i feel which is a horrible weight on me.

they're the love of my life, they're the only person that i can really trust in this world, but i am actively objectively destroying their life. they are basically less of a partner and more of a caretaker at this point. they have to force me to get up and go to the bathroom or eat food. they go out with their family and have to cover for me about why i can't be there. and i feel so, so guilty. they tell me they're scared for me and worried i'm not going to make it and it just makes me feel even worse. i feel so bad. i wish that i could be positive and be the one in the relationship that makes them feel better, but i can't. i'm terrified of the day they decide that enough is enough and they break up with me for their own wellbeing.

in another life i would've continued going on for him and get better. i want to. i don't really want to ctb. but now he's gone and i don't know how long until i'll move on from him and find my people. i'm tired of waiting, i don't want to wait anymore.

i'm so sorry you're feeling like this :( i feel the same contradiction in regards to ctb of wanting to but also not wanting too. like i really, really don't want to die, it scares me, but i know that by staying alive i'm just prolonging suffering. i've spent my whole life trying to push through the pain, it's wearing down on me heavy, i feel like it's inevitable i'm going to crash and burn. even if i don't die i'm just going to spend my life being suicidal which is going to cause me to miss out on every single good thing that could come from being alive.

i know how you feel about giving up on waiting until you find your people. it's part of the reason why i've joined this forum. i've given up on trying to feel connected to people irl. i guess part of me hopelessly believes that on here maybe i can make friends who feel the same way as me, like this is my last attempt at reaching out before i go full isolation for good. and that's probably dumb because i doubt most people want to be friends with anonymous suicidal people

from what you've written about yourself i can tell you're a very kind, empathetic person, who cares very deeply about how you treat other people. selfishly, in my mind that type of person shouldn't leave this world, in fact we need as many of them as we can keep. i know this isn't the recovery page so i'll shut my yap but that's honestly how i feel when i read your message.

but i know the trap of feeling hopeful. because i'm still hopeful too, against my own will. i wish that i could crush any part of me that doesn't want to give up, because i know that by being hopeful i'm just setting myself up to get hurt in the future.

i watched professionals, teachers and school admin say to my face that they can't help me, and they don't know what to do.

i'm really angry on your behalf. i'm so sorry that anybody would say that to you let alone people who are meant to help you.

i can't bare the pain of watching my baby slowly get over me and find someone else. i'm so selfish i think i'd rather get rid of my pain than him be sad over me. at least i won't be there to see it. it's such a horrible thing for me to admit but it's how i feel regardless of what i try to tell myself.

i've had this thought a lot recently. you're not alone in that, and i feel that guilt too. i feel so fucking guilty for even thinking about timelines where i die and my partner suffers because of it. it's horrible but i can't stop thinking about it, like my mind is trying to desensitize myself so ctb is easier. this reality is just so painful that i can't help but think of escaping it. i don't think you're selfish for having thoughts like these, you show a lot of empathy and care in your message, i think you're just disturbed by these thoughts and i get it because me too.

anyways... i hope you feel a little bit less alone from reading this. the torture of this type of guilt and pain can be really isolating. sorry if i rambled a bit too much, i know longer messages can be overwhelming to recieve. i also try to balance a bit of my positivity with my understanding that some situations are just impossible to be positive in... idk. positive messages help me but maybe not for everyone. you left a really sweet message for me on my own thread and i wanted to make sure you had some of that kindness coming back to you. you also offered that i could DM you, but funny enough my social anxiety got in the way of that... but thank you for saying it anyways. it made me feel really happy.

i love your cat gif signature btw. so cute.

 

[kanamycinklavsta]

Hello again! I'm glad you're here. And thank you for replying to my post. i'll reply to everything you said in increments

i try so hard to keep my mental health issues as boxed up as i can but i just can't stop myself from showing obvious symptoms of depression. they don't know i have plans but they know how i feel which is a horrible weight on me.

i am actively objectively destroying their life. i feel so bad. i wish that i could be positive and be the one in the relationship that makes them feel better, but i can't. i'm terrified of the day they decide that enough is enough and they break up with me for their own wellbeing.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea how much this means to me. I often convince myself that I'm a horrible person for this. I don't think you are because you're struggling. You are worthy of love despite your illness. But I can't seem to convince myself that I am too, despite our situation being very similar.

I'm so sorry you relate. I wouldn't wish feeling like you're a burden on the people you love most to anyone. My boyfriend is mentally unwell himself too and he often overworks himself just to make sure i'm okay. Even when i've given him the chance to break up with me because it's too much, he never takes it. He tells me he loves me. But I feel like he would've left eventually if we were longterm. It sucks because we are worthy of love, but people often distance themselves from us to protect their own mental wellbeing. It feels hopeless, especially when the cure to this is often a stable support system and mh resources cost a fortune or are outdated in many parts of the world. How are we supposed to heal?

ilike i really, really don't want to die, it scares me, but i know that by staying alive i'm just prolonging suffering. i've spent my whole life trying to push through the pain, it's wearing down on me heavy, i feel like it's inevitable i'm going to crash and burn. even if i don't die i'm just going to spend my life being suicidal which is going to cause me to miss out on every single good thing that could come from being alive.

i know the trap of feeling hopeful. because i'm still hopeful too, against my own will. i wish that i could crush any part of me that doesn't want to give up, because i know that by being hopeful i'm just setting myself up to get hurt in the future.

That's exactly it for me. I'm sorry you relate to this too. I think most people do. As you know I experience symptoms of mood cycling. Everytime I'm in a high I feel like everything's gonna be ok, and that i'm going to singlehandedly put my life back together. I'll attend local concerts, go out of my way to may friends, volunteer at an animal shelter, splurge on businesses that donate to people in need. In school (the last time i really ever did anything) I tried to start an autism nonprofit organization, I tried to create resources for people to learn more about US politics as a local Vietnamese, I got straight a's and was very goal driven all out of nowhere. But then it all goes away, and i am pulled back into the deep end.

But despite everything, during those episodes, I learn what it's like to deeply appreciate my life every time. And sometimes it sticks with me when reminded, and I think that's the only reason why I haven't ctb yet. It's a horrible cycle and just prolongs my misery. Some days I feel like I just want to get it over with and just be gone, some days I want to try recovery one last time and see what happens. I'll likely go with the latter, but I think my boyfriend's departure is going to heavily influence my consideration on ctb. I don't want to die either, because I know what it feels like to love living.

i know how you feel about giving up on waiting until you find your people. it's part of the reason why i've joined this forum. i've given up on trying to feel connected to people irl. i guess part of me hopelessly believes that on here maybe i can make friends who feel the same way as me, like this is my last attempt at reaching out before i go full isolation for good. and that's probably dumb because i doubt most people want to be friends with anonymous suicidal people

Hey feel free to DM me whenever. I'd love to be your friend. I can never talk to anyone about these things including my boyfriend. I think we came onto this forum for the same exact reasons too. I'm afraid of what will happen to me when he's gone. I've been in isolation before and I'm deathly afraid of it happening again. My reason to making this account was because I wanted to feel less alone, and I think we should encourage connection regardless of whatever one ends up doing with their life :) You seem like a very cool person, honestly.

from what you've written about yourself i can tell you're a very kind, empathetic person, who cares very deeply about how you treat other people. selfishly, in my mind that type of person shouldn't leave this world, in fact we need as many of them as we can keep. i know this isn't the recovery page so i'll shut my yap but that's honestly how i feel when i read your message.

Thank you so much for saying that. That is a huge compliment to me. Honestly, I wasn't always a great person. I grew up to become an extremely problematic, abusive and manipulative person. I've since then made amends with almost every single person I hurt and worked on bettering myself. But I think that it contributed to my anxiety, worrying about how one small thing i'm doing may not what reflects a kind and empathetic person is even though I am not who i used to be anymore. I'm often afraid that i'm not allowed to make mistakes. People, at least where i'm from don't tell others that they're kind and empathetic enough. I genuinely appreciate you, and you are kind and empathetic for replying to my post, too.

i'm really angry on your behalf. i'm so sorry that anybody would say that to you let alone people who are meant to help you.

Thank you, I am still angry too. I often fantasize about review bombing these people, but I know it would go nowhere. I just wish I was helped more.

i've had this thought a lot recently. you're not alone in that, and i feel that guilt too. i feel so fucking guilty for even thinking about timelines where i die and my partner suffers because of it. it's horrible but i can't stop thinking about it, like my mind is trying to desensitize myself so ctb is easier. this reality is just so painful that i can't help but think of escaping it. i don't think you're selfish for having thoughts like these, you show a lot of empathy and care in your message, i think you're just disturbed by these thoughts and i get it because me too.

I honestly never would've imagined that someone else goes through this too. I thought I was alone. Thank you for sharing this. I often like to indulge in thoughts about what would happen to my boyfriend after I die. I like to think about him being sad about it and then moving on. Like you said, it's like i'm trying to desensitize myself to it. It makes me feel so horrible and guilty but I can't stop thinking about it. Thinking about this would be disturbing to anyone. i'm sorry you go through this too.

anyways... i hope you feel a little bit less alone from reading this. the torture of this type of guilt and pain can be really isolating. sorry if i rambled a bit too much, i know longer messages can be overwhelming to recieve. i also try to balance a bit of my positivity with my understanding that some situations are just impossible to be positive in... idk. positive messages help me but maybe not for everyone. you left a really sweet message for me on my own thread and i wanted to make sure you had some of that kindness coming back to you. you also offered that i could DM you, but funny enough my social anxiety got in the way of that... but thank you for saying it anyways. it made me feel really happy.

i love your cat gif signature btw. so cute.

I did! Thank you for sharing. And don't worry, I love receiving long messages. I like sending long messages too. I think it's a symptom of autism lol, I like to over-explain myself and get into the details so this was something I was very happy to receive. Thank you so much, again. You don't know how grateful I am. Take your time on DMing me if you ever decide you want to, they're going to be open until I decide to ctb or recover lol! I don't know when that'll happen, so I assume not anytime soon :)

Thank you heh I just found the gif on Pinterest. Black cats mean a lot to me. I'll keep it very brief, but black cats are often killed or believed to be a sign of bad luck. I've always related to black cats because that's how people often see me, as something you just have to avoid because a curse is not something you can resist. You already know that's how people usually perceive me since I mentioned that earlier. I also like the idea that cats have autism. Even though it's not really true, it's silly and I can see it as an autistic person myself. I also like to wear all black clothing, i've been doing it since the moment i started to buy my own clothes. I like to believe my facial features resemble a cat too. I like to think my face looks a little like Na'vi from Avatar, who are inspired by cats.

Anyway enough of the yap. I wish you well, and all the best to you :)