kanamycinklavsta
dante
- Jun 12, 2026
- 2
hi, it's my first post here. I've been lurking for a couple years before I decided to make an account and finally post. I don't really know what i'm looking for out of this. maybe the feeling that there are other people who see me and understand what i'm going through even if I get no reply. it's comforting.
i like to think that i try to be a reasonable person, despite my emotions swaying how I feel 90% of the time. around the time when my mental health wasn't so bad, my boyfriend and i agreed that we were going to break up at some point because he has to move to a completely different continent. we talked about it for a long time, multiple times. we are still young, and it would be beneficial for us to explore what else is out there instead of trying to make a long distance relationship work. but the more I spend time with him, the more I fall in love with him.
I grew up raising myself, being alienated because i'm neurodivergent with moderate support needs and reactive. kids in middle school were telling me they felt like they were walking around eggshells just to be my friend. i was alone or felt alone for almost all of my middle school and highschool years. i felt like nobody understood me, i honestly just felt like i was talking to npcs or i was an npc depending on the day.
until i met him. at first it felt like he didn't understand me at first too, but he wanted to try. the closer he got to me the more he found out about how mentally fucked I am but still wanted to stay with me and help me. i made an effort to get better so i wouldn't depend on him too much. but it's hard loving him when i'm aware that the time of our relationship is almost up. i hate to admit it because it's not stable or secure of me to, but he is my lifeline. he made me see that there are things worth living for. especially when I ended up dropping out of school in highschool because i just had never had any fucking idea what I was doing and nobody knew how to help me because I was too severe of a case for them, it felt like i had nothing to look forward to anymore, not like i ever did in the first place. i had nothing to do, i don't know what i'm going to do for myself financially. but he made me see how much I could just enjoy myself regardless of my problems. he never judges me, he listens to what i have to say and tries to understand me even though i feel like he doesn't know what to do because i'm way too mentally ill for him to even begin to comprehend even though he has depression anxiety and ocd himself. he is so kind and caring, he makes so many mistakes and it makes me love him more because he's just so human. i have learnt so much about myself spending time with him. lessons i could've brought into my future to become a better and healthier person. i love spending time with him. what am i going to do without him? i don't see anything for myself after august. there's just going to be nothing for me like there has been nothing for me to begin with.
i want to ctb, have had urges and plans i never was able to execute ever since I was 13. because my entire life is one big joke. i don't know what the hell i've done for my entire life but exist and do nothing. i remember feeling depressed and having intense bouts of anger that made me want to scream and rip my skin apart since I was a toddler. other than that, i don't even remember much of my existence here. i don't see a point. he just delayed it. he also showed me that the world can be so kind and loving to you if you find the right people. but i've lived my life in trauma and depression for so long. i don't want this to have to deal with this forever. i think me being happy with him wouldve outweighed the depression. in another life i would've continued going on for him and get better. i want to. i don't really want to ctb. but now he's gone and i don't know how long until i'll move on from him and find my people. i'm tired of waiting, i don't want to wait anymore.
sometimes i'd hint to him that I want out. i feel like such a horrible person for doing it but i want to talk about it without hurting him. i want to tell someone so bad just to be listened, not to feel like they're going to stop me from doing anything or try to help me because they care. because i don't believe i can be helped. i watched professionals, teachers and school admin say to my face that they can't help me, and they don't know what to do. i don't really know if he would realize when i implied it but today he did. he told me that if i was gone he would be so devastated if something happened to me. i told him that he would be sad for a bit but move on and find other people that don't make him sad. he told me that one day he would move on but he would never truly get over it. he didn't want to make it about himself but he was just telling me to make sure i was safe. i believe him, but i don't really think his words matter because he's going to be gone anyway. he wants to be around for me online even after we have broken up so I can still talk to him, and i appreciate the gesture but i'd never get over him. i can't bare the pain of watching my baby slowly get over me and find someone else. i'm so selfish i think i'd rather get rid of my pain than him be sad over me. at least i won't be there to see it. it's such a horrible thing for me to admit but it's how i feel regardless of what i try to tell myself.
I think that if I can just be gone, i won't even register anything and i won't have to be sad anymore. like i have been for my entire life. i don't want to hope like I did when I met him, it's such a disgusting feeling to think that it'd get better and then it dawns on you that it won't be like this forever just because of a geographical location. life is so cruel to those who never asked to be here or experience any of this.
i like to think that i try to be a reasonable person, despite my emotions swaying how I feel 90% of the time. around the time when my mental health wasn't so bad, my boyfriend and i agreed that we were going to break up at some point because he has to move to a completely different continent. we talked about it for a long time, multiple times. we are still young, and it would be beneficial for us to explore what else is out there instead of trying to make a long distance relationship work. but the more I spend time with him, the more I fall in love with him.
I grew up raising myself, being alienated because i'm neurodivergent with moderate support needs and reactive. kids in middle school were telling me they felt like they were walking around eggshells just to be my friend. i was alone or felt alone for almost all of my middle school and highschool years. i felt like nobody understood me, i honestly just felt like i was talking to npcs or i was an npc depending on the day.
until i met him. at first it felt like he didn't understand me at first too, but he wanted to try. the closer he got to me the more he found out about how mentally fucked I am but still wanted to stay with me and help me. i made an effort to get better so i wouldn't depend on him too much. but it's hard loving him when i'm aware that the time of our relationship is almost up. i hate to admit it because it's not stable or secure of me to, but he is my lifeline. he made me see that there are things worth living for. especially when I ended up dropping out of school in highschool because i just had never had any fucking idea what I was doing and nobody knew how to help me because I was too severe of a case for them, it felt like i had nothing to look forward to anymore, not like i ever did in the first place. i had nothing to do, i don't know what i'm going to do for myself financially. but he made me see how much I could just enjoy myself regardless of my problems. he never judges me, he listens to what i have to say and tries to understand me even though i feel like he doesn't know what to do because i'm way too mentally ill for him to even begin to comprehend even though he has depression anxiety and ocd himself. he is so kind and caring, he makes so many mistakes and it makes me love him more because he's just so human. i have learnt so much about myself spending time with him. lessons i could've brought into my future to become a better and healthier person. i love spending time with him. what am i going to do without him? i don't see anything for myself after august. there's just going to be nothing for me like there has been nothing for me to begin with.
i want to ctb, have had urges and plans i never was able to execute ever since I was 13. because my entire life is one big joke. i don't know what the hell i've done for my entire life but exist and do nothing. i remember feeling depressed and having intense bouts of anger that made me want to scream and rip my skin apart since I was a toddler. other than that, i don't even remember much of my existence here. i don't see a point. he just delayed it. he also showed me that the world can be so kind and loving to you if you find the right people. but i've lived my life in trauma and depression for so long. i don't want this to have to deal with this forever. i think me being happy with him wouldve outweighed the depression. in another life i would've continued going on for him and get better. i want to. i don't really want to ctb. but now he's gone and i don't know how long until i'll move on from him and find my people. i'm tired of waiting, i don't want to wait anymore.
sometimes i'd hint to him that I want out. i feel like such a horrible person for doing it but i want to talk about it without hurting him. i want to tell someone so bad just to be listened, not to feel like they're going to stop me from doing anything or try to help me because they care. because i don't believe i can be helped. i watched professionals, teachers and school admin say to my face that they can't help me, and they don't know what to do. i don't really know if he would realize when i implied it but today he did. he told me that if i was gone he would be so devastated if something happened to me. i told him that he would be sad for a bit but move on and find other people that don't make him sad. he told me that one day he would move on but he would never truly get over it. he didn't want to make it about himself but he was just telling me to make sure i was safe. i believe him, but i don't really think his words matter because he's going to be gone anyway. he wants to be around for me online even after we have broken up so I can still talk to him, and i appreciate the gesture but i'd never get over him. i can't bare the pain of watching my baby slowly get over me and find someone else. i'm so selfish i think i'd rather get rid of my pain than him be sad over me. at least i won't be there to see it. it's such a horrible thing for me to admit but it's how i feel regardless of what i try to tell myself.
I think that if I can just be gone, i won't even register anything and i won't have to be sad anymore. like i have been for my entire life. i don't want to hope like I did when I met him, it's such a disgusting feeling to think that it'd get better and then it dawns on you that it won't be like this forever just because of a geographical location. life is so cruel to those who never asked to be here or experience any of this.
