Discussion Light at the end of the tunnel

[Concorde]

I've just had a few moments of deep, deep peace this week. Like the joy I would get if a doctor told me I have just months to live.

I don't know exactly how or exactly when, but to realize that my time might be coming to an end? On my own terms? Without further loss of health and without the humiliation of old age?? This is a gift and a boost to my mental health stronger than drugs. I have no one else to share this relief with, which is much less unsettling now that I can share them here.

 

[Tombadil]

Yes, i feel that relief too.

 

[Concorde]

Makes me super happy to hear.

I just happened to be thinking about how I washed everything except the blanket cover this week. Like what a fucking hassle. Then I remembered. It just does not fucking matter now.

 

[Claymore7274]

I've just had a few moments of deep, deep peace this week. Like the joy I would get if a doctor told me I have just months to live.

I don't know exactly how or exactly when, but to realize that my time might be coming to an end? On my own terms? Without further loss of health and without the humiliation of old age?? This is a gift and a boost to my mental health stronger than drugs. I have no one else to share this relief with, which is much less unsettling now that I can share them here.

I somewhat feel the same as you

 

[Hermitcrab]

You're not alone. It seems to be a pretty common feeling around these circles.

 

[tarnishedstoner]

I hear you. This is also one of the warning signs that you should look out for if you have a suicidal loved one — when they're at peace, means they've accepted that their time is up now. And I, too, was worrying about my laundry until i realised it doesn't matter now.

 

[Concorde]

I hear you. This is also one of the warning signs that you should look out for if you have a suicidal loved one — when they're at peace, means they've accepted that their time is up now. And I, too, was worrying about my laundry until i realised it doesn't matter now.

I have heard a lot about noticing the sudden peace and giving things away as two warning signs, but this is my first time experiencing it myself or in someone else.

And I'm not giving stuff away (yet?), but I just threw away a bunch of stuff yesterday that no one but me would have ever had use for. It felt like packing my suitcase in the best way possible.

 

[deathisapanacea]

Pure bliss. These days whenever I do a once in a while activity like purchasing clothes, footwear, phone, cleaning my car etc, I tell myself that this should be the last time I am doing this shit. Making the final preparation is so awesome. I only wish I could do it ASAP.

BTW, you have a plan in place and date set ?

 

[snow leopard]

This is how i want my last moments to feel like, being at peace with my decision, feeling happiness/bliss.

 

[Concorde]

BTW, you have a plan in place and date set ?

I'm no longer in any rush: I ordered my supplies and don't know when they'll arrive.

I also don't want my last days to be much more important than the rest of my time on Earth, especially if no one knows ahead of time.

I also think that if I overthink my exit, that perfectionism will delay it. I don't want to create a playlist for instance. I will listen to whatever I want that day.

Short answer: no specifics, but I know I can't do it today. Longer answer: I'm a little scared and feel a little guilty and am trying to figure out how I feel about all this as I'm writing now.

I haven't been hiding the fact that I feel worse than normal to a couple parents and a sibling. One of the parents will absolutely think "oh I just knew I needed to push harder to help Concorde," and I wish there was a way to convince everyone that there's no longer anything anyone can do to make this life better beyond ending it. I've felt this way forever. "Like, this has to be as bad as it could possibly get, right? Right?!" is something I say every couple years. I'm always wrong.

This is how i want my last moments to feel like, being at peace with my decision, feeling happiness/bliss.

…and profound relief