Angst Filled Fuck Up
Illuminated
- Sep 9, 2018
- 3,181
Depression has become sort of a life's work for me - not only in how I experience it myself, but also coming to terms with just how multifaceted and destructive it really is over the long term. Part of me can't believe I've made it to the age I have, given how I'm such an empty vessel and have been for so many years now.
If I could summarize it from my own perspective, it tends to manifest as only doing the basics needed to survive. I take a shower, work a bit, food shop, watch youtube, game, listen to music, fall asleep. And that's it. It's been that way for years now. When people tell me they went to a workshop, or attended a concert, or took a class just for the hell of it, I'm always like "why?"
I have no contact with anyone outside of my family and girlfriend - and that relationship is so bad it's almost not worth mentioning. I don't have friends so I don't meet up with anyone else ever. There's no dynamism, intrigue or future goal in my life. It's just a case of making it to the next day and doing the same insular, self-soothing activities all over again. I barely go on anything resembling trips, and I have no desire to "grow" or learn new things.
I don't trust people and can be a bit hot headed so I can't really reach out or make new friends, even online. I have so little energy on top of it that undertaking anything meaningful feels impossible, whether it's making new inroads socially, or getting out and experiencing the world in general.
While it's certainly true that I'm terribly bored and lonely, I feel completely powerless to change any of it. I feel alien compared to others and can't relate to anything they do or are interested in. It's as if I'm faking my existence as a human - loosely adhering to how people live their lives, but without any connection or meaning behind it. I always feel afraid that other people will "find me out" and laugh at how little I have going on. It's insane to say this, given that I'm 41, but the last time I had any real structure or friends to speak of was back in high school.
If I could summarize it from my own perspective, it tends to manifest as only doing the basics needed to survive. I take a shower, work a bit, food shop, watch youtube, game, listen to music, fall asleep. And that's it. It's been that way for years now. When people tell me they went to a workshop, or attended a concert, or took a class just for the hell of it, I'm always like "why?"
I have no contact with anyone outside of my family and girlfriend - and that relationship is so bad it's almost not worth mentioning. I don't have friends so I don't meet up with anyone else ever. There's no dynamism, intrigue or future goal in my life. It's just a case of making it to the next day and doing the same insular, self-soothing activities all over again. I barely go on anything resembling trips, and I have no desire to "grow" or learn new things.
I don't trust people and can be a bit hot headed so I can't really reach out or make new friends, even online. I have so little energy on top of it that undertaking anything meaningful feels impossible, whether it's making new inroads socially, or getting out and experiencing the world in general.
While it's certainly true that I'm terribly bored and lonely, I feel completely powerless to change any of it. I feel alien compared to others and can't relate to anything they do or are interested in. It's as if I'm faking my existence as a human - loosely adhering to how people live their lives, but without any connection or meaning behind it. I always feel afraid that other people will "find me out" and laugh at how little I have going on. It's insane to say this, given that I'm 41, but the last time I had any real structure or friends to speak of was back in high school.
