Abditory
The feeling that you won’t be here much longer
- Jan 16, 2024
- 42
Getting help, therapy, and meds, but it still feels like there is no hope. I finally decided to get help in August and got a bipolar diagnosis. For the first time, it felt like something finally made sense—like there was a reason behind all my suffering, an answer to it. I felt happy knowing I could get help and be 'fixed.' But as the months pass, so does my hope for getting better.
I've taken a break from SS over the past year, confiding in my friends to share what's been going on in my life—my mental health and me being on SS—and, well, I have mixed feelings about how that went. Telling my friends that I used SS led to them immediately questioning me: 'Why would you support such a site?' 'What, are you encouraging suicide to others?' 'You practically joined a cult. This left me with mixed feelings about continuing to use the site. Eventually, my friends convinced me to leave, saying it was basically a cult (LOL!). But ever since leaving, it's felt like losing a safe space to talk about everything going on in my life. Venting to friends feels like I need to hide parts of myself—hiding the parts where I 'act crazy.' Honestly, it's getting tiring
I'm currently getting professional help and taking antipsychotics (which actually helped with my intrusive thoughts and paranoia, thankfully), but I'm still waiting to be put on mood stabilizers for my bipolar. Sometimes I wonder if it's even bipolar with how rapid cycling it can be (rapid cycling bipolar is a thing, though). But sometimes, it feels like I'm faking it, even with the professional diagnosis. Or it feels like I'm just a horrible person who can't be fixed. Currently, I'm going through a really rough depressive episode, and it's the worst I've ever felt. I've become so angry at the people I love, especially my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has been nothing but amazing to me, but one day, it was like I woke up and just split on him. I feel so much anger and annoyance toward him, and I don't know why. Everything he does irritates me, but I've never taken it out on him. I still treat him like I did before, but all these thoughts race through my head. I feel like a horrible girlfriend and a horrible person for even having these thoughts. I expressed that I was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space, which he was so understanding about. But now after returning after that small break it feels like he's pushed away, even though I have no proof of this actually happening. He hasn't said or done anything to confirm my fear, but I still feel like he's drifting away. With everything going on and now this, it feels like I have to leave first. I have to abandon him before he can abandon me.
I have to hate him. I do hate him. But I love him so much.
I seriously don't know what's going on anymore or what to do.
I give up.
I've taken a break from SS over the past year, confiding in my friends to share what's been going on in my life—my mental health and me being on SS—and, well, I have mixed feelings about how that went. Telling my friends that I used SS led to them immediately questioning me: 'Why would you support such a site?' 'What, are you encouraging suicide to others?' 'You practically joined a cult. This left me with mixed feelings about continuing to use the site. Eventually, my friends convinced me to leave, saying it was basically a cult (LOL!). But ever since leaving, it's felt like losing a safe space to talk about everything going on in my life. Venting to friends feels like I need to hide parts of myself—hiding the parts where I 'act crazy.' Honestly, it's getting tiring
I'm currently getting professional help and taking antipsychotics (which actually helped with my intrusive thoughts and paranoia, thankfully), but I'm still waiting to be put on mood stabilizers for my bipolar. Sometimes I wonder if it's even bipolar with how rapid cycling it can be (rapid cycling bipolar is a thing, though). But sometimes, it feels like I'm faking it, even with the professional diagnosis. Or it feels like I'm just a horrible person who can't be fixed. Currently, I'm going through a really rough depressive episode, and it's the worst I've ever felt. I've become so angry at the people I love, especially my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has been nothing but amazing to me, but one day, it was like I woke up and just split on him. I feel so much anger and annoyance toward him, and I don't know why. Everything he does irritates me, but I've never taken it out on him. I still treat him like I did before, but all these thoughts race through my head. I feel like a horrible girlfriend and a horrible person for even having these thoughts. I expressed that I was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space, which he was so understanding about. But now after returning after that small break it feels like he's pushed away, even though I have no proof of this actually happening. He hasn't said or done anything to confirm my fear, but I still feel like he's drifting away. With everything going on and now this, it feels like I have to leave first. I have to abandon him before he can abandon me.
I have to hate him. I do hate him. But I love him so much.
I seriously don't know what's going on anymore or what to do.
I give up.
