Life seems so unbelievably pointless

[mysteryboy]

I'm at a certain level of exhaustion that is incomparable to what i have experienced before. Have a lackluster love life, live in an awful communal living environment, and am so lonely in every way. I can't disclose with my therapist that i'm feeling suicidal, and this year i was diagnosed with bipolar 1. What makes things worse is that i miss my manic episodes, i felt on top of the world and everything, now during my depressive episode i dont even have the energy to socialize. Just want to save up some money to end it all eventually. I hope i don't have to endure another year

 

[LunarLight]

What makes things worse is that i miss my manic episodes

I feel for you a lot. I'm not bipolar but I had a drug-induced (hypo?)manic episode for two months when I tried DIY ketamine therapy for my severe treatment-resistant depression. I was supposed to microdose, but, oh well, it worked so perfectly that I ended up macrodosing rather than microdosing… and oh boy do I not regret it. It was a lot of money and I almost destroyed my bladder, pissing my bed at night, but for the first fucking time of my damned life, I felt happy, I could do things, life was worth living. I eventually built up a tolerance and ended up just getting fucking high but as depressed as before, which somehow made it worse, but I would trade this episode of my life for nothing in the world. I only felt such bliss with pregabalin, oxycodone and heroin, but like with all drugs, well, you know the drill: after a few weeks of what felt like a normal life, I rapidly built up a tolerance and it stopped feeling as good as it used to. I'm still addicted to heroin as I speak, but I would take anything that makes me feel a little less shitty and helps me get through the day. The thing is, I'll eventually run out of money, and this day, I'll have to ask myself if I better not CTB. But not the shadow of a regret.

May I ask you what is your chosen method?

 

[FuneralCry]

I also don't wish to suffer for another year, I hope that you find what you search for.

 

[Mlifos & Sitoa]

Because it is pointless.

 

[Leiot]

I'm bipolar too (Type II) and I'm with you on the manic side. It's better than any drug you can imagine.