I don't know how or where to begin, from the beginning I guess. But it's gonna be hella long so if you have time to stay and read I would be eternally grateful, but if not, no hard feelings…I completely understand.
My whole life has sucked and it doesn't appear to want to change for the better. I'm 46, and for 32 years I have been in and out of therapy. Finding someone to trust with all your thoughts and history is a lot. Initially at 14 I lied when I did the initial intake as I knew they would talk to my mom about everything I said. I told them what I thought she would want to hear. That I don't have suicidal thoughts and how much I was hurting myself. They brushed it off as low self esteem and put me in group therapy with other young girls (it was the 90s, not that I can excuse that, but we thankfully starting to have more understanding in our world for MH). Which, they're right, I do have, but it wasn't what my real issues were and I skipped out a lot. I was being emotionally and mentally abused by the person/people who were supposed to love and protect me.
I have taken handfuls of pills a couple different times, only to throw them up, I have tried to jump out of a 6th floor apartment bedroom window, and the person who tried to save me, I turned on him. I tried to stab myself when he pulled me from the window. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and put on a quick hold and was discharged the next day. My ex called my mother and left a voicemail telling her it was her fault, which didn't make my life easier. My mom and I were on a NC break, I had gone 2 years not talking to her. When he called her, she went into detective mode to find me. I ended up leaving him months later and moving home to my mother. I stayed there to get back on my feet and ended up having to move in with another boyfriend, who ended up being my husband (for 9 months anyway before I had a friend help me to leave due to financial and emotional abuse while 6 months pregnant on bedrest).
My son, light of my life, was born. There really is no love like that. He saved me for quite a while. Still having depression episodes here and there, I never wanted to die, I needed to stay around for him. Then he got older, pushed back (as kids do), and then we had an explosive fight (him regular puberty hormones, and me starting to go through perimenopause - it should be illegal for teenage puberty and cougar puberty to exist at the same time). He was skipping school and smoking weed. As a parent, I needed to intervene, it's my duty after all. Then he left, moved in with his girlfriend and her mom. She allowed him to drop out of school, be a bum without a job and gives him weed (they deny that, but I don't buy it). I was 3 years self harm free…was. I don't know how to process my feelings any other way.
Usually when I don't feel love, it's when I get the darkest. I stopped speaking with my bio-dad when I was 16, stopped talking to my bio-mom in the beginning of covid. My partner of 12 years has cancer, they found tumours in his bladder and kidney. At first, he was so sweet. Thanking me and appreciating the help and care I was giving him. He even said he understands why I went into home care because I am really good at it. Then his son and dads birthday came up last. We were headed out for supper and I was crying. Before we left I was talking to management because of work related issues that I am having (complete burnout, I work midnights as a health care tech giving support to families and taking care of the palliative client) and she didn't want to help me. I feel unheard and in frustration and hurt I started to cry. I was still crying a bit in the car and my boyfriend started screaming at me because I was crying. Threatened to turn the car around and tell them we're not coming because I have "feelings". He slammed the car brakes twice, almost throwing me into the dash. Twice now I have found him searching for nude celebrities or models. It's devastating. I just done feel like i'm enough…for anyone. The ex I talked about before, he would constantly reject me, even if I walked up to him butt naked, he would turn me down. My partner now doesn't even touch me. I don't know the last time we were intimate. I feel like i'm walking on eggshells in my own home.
On Saturday his son came over (he comes every weekend) and they were talking. I went to bed and I guess things blew up. He told his son to go, he only wants to be around those who want to be with him because he might not be here long. He says he feels like his son is embarrassed of him. All this came out because his son wanted to go see a movie with his girlfriend instead of with him.
Every time my brain has gone dark, I have been aware and got help. I have this time too. This time, the antidepressants are not helping. I think about ending it all the time, but never sure if I have enough pills to do it, afraid of throwing them up and then I don't have them and I'm still alive. I don't want pain, so anything that will hurt is out of the question. But I do want to end it. I'm not scared to die, I'm scared to stick around and continue to suffer. I hate being alive. No one will miss me (other than my cats, but they will go on).
I'm pathetic, gross and unloved.
My whole life has sucked and it doesn't appear to want to change for the better. I'm 46, and for 32 years I have been in and out of therapy. Finding someone to trust with all your thoughts and history is a lot. Initially at 14 I lied when I did the initial intake as I knew they would talk to my mom about everything I said. I told them what I thought she would want to hear. That I don't have suicidal thoughts and how much I was hurting myself. They brushed it off as low self esteem and put me in group therapy with other young girls (it was the 90s, not that I can excuse that, but we thankfully starting to have more understanding in our world for MH). Which, they're right, I do have, but it wasn't what my real issues were and I skipped out a lot. I was being emotionally and mentally abused by the person/people who were supposed to love and protect me.
I have taken handfuls of pills a couple different times, only to throw them up, I have tried to jump out of a 6th floor apartment bedroom window, and the person who tried to save me, I turned on him. I tried to stab myself when he pulled me from the window. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and put on a quick hold and was discharged the next day. My ex called my mother and left a voicemail telling her it was her fault, which didn't make my life easier. My mom and I were on a NC break, I had gone 2 years not talking to her. When he called her, she went into detective mode to find me. I ended up leaving him months later and moving home to my mother. I stayed there to get back on my feet and ended up having to move in with another boyfriend, who ended up being my husband (for 9 months anyway before I had a friend help me to leave due to financial and emotional abuse while 6 months pregnant on bedrest).
My son, light of my life, was born. There really is no love like that. He saved me for quite a while. Still having depression episodes here and there, I never wanted to die, I needed to stay around for him. Then he got older, pushed back (as kids do), and then we had an explosive fight (him regular puberty hormones, and me starting to go through perimenopause - it should be illegal for teenage puberty and cougar puberty to exist at the same time). He was skipping school and smoking weed. As a parent, I needed to intervene, it's my duty after all. Then he left, moved in with his girlfriend and her mom. She allowed him to drop out of school, be a bum without a job and gives him weed (they deny that, but I don't buy it). I was 3 years self harm free…was. I don't know how to process my feelings any other way.
Usually when I don't feel love, it's when I get the darkest. I stopped speaking with my bio-dad when I was 16, stopped talking to my bio-mom in the beginning of covid. My partner of 12 years has cancer, they found tumours in his bladder and kidney. At first, he was so sweet. Thanking me and appreciating the help and care I was giving him. He even said he understands why I went into home care because I am really good at it. Then his son and dads birthday came up last. We were headed out for supper and I was crying. Before we left I was talking to management because of work related issues that I am having (complete burnout, I work midnights as a health care tech giving support to families and taking care of the palliative client) and she didn't want to help me. I feel unheard and in frustration and hurt I started to cry. I was still crying a bit in the car and my boyfriend started screaming at me because I was crying. Threatened to turn the car around and tell them we're not coming because I have "feelings". He slammed the car brakes twice, almost throwing me into the dash. Twice now I have found him searching for nude celebrities or models. It's devastating. I just done feel like i'm enough…for anyone. The ex I talked about before, he would constantly reject me, even if I walked up to him butt naked, he would turn me down. My partner now doesn't even touch me. I don't know the last time we were intimate. I feel like i'm walking on eggshells in my own home.
On Saturday his son came over (he comes every weekend) and they were talking. I went to bed and I guess things blew up. He told his son to go, he only wants to be around those who want to be with him because he might not be here long. He says he feels like his son is embarrassed of him. All this came out because his son wanted to go see a movie with his girlfriend instead of with him.
Every time my brain has gone dark, I have been aware and got help. I have this time too. This time, the antidepressants are not helping. I think about ending it all the time, but never sure if I have enough pills to do it, afraid of throwing them up and then I don't have them and I'm still alive. I don't want pain, so anything that will hurt is out of the question. But I do want to end it. I'm not scared to die, I'm scared to stick around and continue to suffer. I hate being alive. No one will miss me (other than my cats, but they will go on).
I'm pathetic, gross and unloved.
