Venting Life, Love, Death. Just some thoughts i need to get out

[Aliceinborderline]

I genuinely dont feel like i am meant to be apart of this world. Life could of been so simple but humans made it so complicated. People are greedy and stupid in general(not saying anyone in particular), selfish too. Like our society is so broken and for so long people have been just going with it getting trauma and pushing that trauma on the next generation. Like only in the last 100 or so years has typical peasant work become luxury work and luxury work become peasant work. Like what i mean by this is imagine just your entire life is growing food and nothing else you dont need to let your conditions affect you as much as your life is straight forward and simple but now the fight for a education in a society that values intelligence beyond anything thing else where people who have any mental health issue can easily fall behind.

I have tried to tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts and potential plans but they basically said i am selfish for having these thoughts and sharing them as its inconvenient(a bit of a paraphrase) Like if people care so much why do they do so little. Its like why is life valued so highly when we dont treat others well when they are alive? I REALLY want to be able to let go of all of this, I dont really care what happens next but even when i could throw everything away, everything that i have ever loved, all my lifes hopes and asperations I struggle to throw away the love for my significant other. Its like god created a specific hell for me and this is it. I am trapped unable to be with them due to borders(Cad/US) but because of them i cant throw away the hell that is life. They will very likely never leave me and i can honestly hurt my family with my death i can hurt my friends and any others but the thought of what it would due to them hurts me more then anything else.

I genuinely dont know what to do anymore i am still planning on getting SN and planning to CTB in the future in case things become too much but Idk im just so tired of being alive. I cant function like other people yet am expected to play life by their rules or suffer. I have experienced complete hell for over 15 years now like when does it end, when does this positive change people try to gas light you into show up. Like i cant even fill out paper work with out getting anxious/stressed and being unable to mentally do it. And when i ask for help from professionals they remind me i need to wait in endless wait lists to only end up juggled and end up with more traumas. Like idk what to say anymore everyone expects me to be selfless self sacrificing forcing positivity but fuck i cant do it anymore idk what to do idk where to go idk if i can ever get better and idk if i can ever die either im like a ghost trapped into limbo

 

[Linda]

I genuinely dont feel like i am meant to be apart of this world. Life could of been so simple but humans made it so complicated. People are greedy and stupid in general(not saying anyone in particular), selfish too. Like our society is so broken and for so long people have been just going with it getting trauma and pushing that trauma on the next generation. Like only in the last 100 or so years has typical peasant work become luxury work and luxury work become peasant work. Like what i mean by this is imagine just your entire life is growing food and nothing else you dont need to let your conditions affect you as much as your life is straight forward and simple but now the fight for a education in a society that values intelligence beyond anything thing else where people who have any mental health issue can easily fall behind.

I have tried to tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts and potential plans but they basically said i am selfish for having these thoughts and sharing them as its inconvenient(a bit of a paraphrase) Like if people care so much why do they do so little. Its like why is life valued so highly when we dont treat others well when they are alive? I REALLY want to be able to let go of all of this, I dont really care what happens next but even when i could throw everything away, everything that i have ever loved, all my lifes hopes and asperations I struggle to throw away the love for my significant other. Its like god created a specific hell for me and this is it. I am trapped unable to be with them due to borders(Cad/US) but because of them i cant throw away the hell that is life. They will very likely never leave me and i can honestly hurt my family with my death i can hurt my friends and any others but the thought of what it would due to them hurts me more then anything else.

I genuinely dont know what to do anymore i am still planning on getting SN and planning to CTB in the future in case things become too much but Idk im just so tired of being alive. I cant function like other people yet am expected to play life by their rules or suffer. I have experienced complete hell for over 15 years now like when does it end, when does this positive change people try to gas light you into show up. Like i cant even fill out paper work with out getting anxious/stressed and being unable to mentally do it. And when i ask for help from professionals they remind me i need to wait in endless wait lists to only end up juggled and end up with more traumas. Like idk what to say anymore everyone expects me to be selfless self sacrificing forcing positivity but fuck i cant do it anymore idk what to do idk where to go idk if i can ever get better and idk if i can ever die either im like a ghost trapped into limbo

You are not selfish for wanting to ctb. Let's get that out of the way first.

The important question is whether or not it's your best choice. That has to be your decision. I think it would be a good idea to slow down and really think this through. Work out carefully what your options are. Ctb is one, but it's very unliekly to be the only one. Take your time.

If you are not sure what to do, then wait for a while and think it through again in a couple of weeks. The option to ctb won;t go away, and probably the other options won't go away either. There is no hurry.

You don;t say much about the specifics of your situation, so I can't give you any advice that is more focused, but there are always people here who will offer suggestions, advice and support if you ask for it.

Do you have a boyfriend? A good partner can make a lot of difference.

Good luck.

 

[Aliceinborderline]

You are not selfish for wanting to ctb. Let's get that out of the way first.

The important question is whether or not it's your best choice. That has to be your decision. I think it would be a good idea to slow down and really think this through. Work out carefully what your options are. Ctb is one, but it's very unliekly to be the only one. Take your time.

If you are not sure what to do, then wait for a while and think it through again in a couple of weeks. The option to ctb won;t go away, and probably the other options won't go away either. There is no hurry.

You don;t say much about the specifics of your situation, so I can't give you any advice that is more focused, but there are always people here who will offer suggestions, advice and support if you ask for it.

Do you have a boyfriend? A good partner can make a lot of difference.

Good luck.

Thank you and i do and i know its a very extreme idea, ctbing that is but like for me its just mainly mental health being too hard to overcome(with a fun amount of trauma), no one understanding and always finding ways to make it worse, and in general how difficult it will be to figure a way forward and how much more suffering ill most likely have to go through. Like a solid example is not having my own space because of a botched move for a entire year when my only cope was isolating. tldr

 

[sorrowful]

i understand, i have no desire to live a long life due to how this world and society functions.

suicide isn't selfish, i wish it wasn't pushed that way. what is selfish, is forcing people alive. people who never asked to be here in the first place and imprisoning them for wanting out, belittling their suffering to push their fantasy that life is a gift and always worth living.

 

[Aliceinborderline]

i understand, i have no desire to live a long life due to how this world and society functions.

suicide isn't selfish, i wish it wasn't pushed that way. what is selfish, is forcing people alive. people who never asked to be here in the first place and imprisoning them for wanting out, belittling their suffering to push their fantasy that life is a gift and always worth living.

Like here people are fucked up in the shelter living in tents across the city. Social and support services for just about anything are stressed and breaking people are suffering and no one cares enough to fix it but omg how dare you want to ctb like if they valued life so much give people a live worth living and stop expecting them to quietly endure for you

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's true that not everyone is meant to exist here, I hate how in this cruel world continuing to exist is viewed as an obligation rather than a personal choice, it's so horrible to me how suicide isn't accepted as a valid option despite the fact that existence is just meaningless and unnecessary suffering. But I do understand that it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here, I wish you the best.

 

[leavingsoon99]

Your feelings are valid. It's difficult to come the impasse of wanting to leave life, yet actually having loves and attachments to it. So, that's a bit tougher to deal with than my situation. Like you, I don't feel that I'm meant to live in this world. It feels like life is programmed against me. Also, like you, I'm puzzled as to why humans make life so very difficult and miserable. It's like they can't help themselves. They have to impose some type of unnecessary b.s. onto it. The irony (and maddening element) of all this is that humans could actually create a sort of 'utopian' society... if they wanted to. They choose not to, though. It makes life seem so futile and pointless.

You're very fortunate, in that you have loved ones who seem to actually care for you. Not everyone does. I'm on this earth completely alone. That makes my situation kind of a no-brainer. I wish for you clarity, good guidance, peace, and love, regardless of your decision. The words you've expressed show the depth and beauty of your soul. Good fortune be with you.