it's a harsh truth i've long come to terms with. nature is cruel and i was simply dealt a bad hand. while i am not officially diagnosed, a psychiatrist i saw not too long said they think it's abundantly clear i have adhd (possibly autism as well judging by the medical report). even if i get diagnosed, what good would that do? the country i live in almost completely disregards these conditions. existing is exhausting, let alone in a family that you can't discuss mental problems with. i can't seem to do anything right in their eyes, and i'm losing the strength to defend myself, i barely have the energy anymore. i'm redoing a year in uni because i was too afraid to show up to the retake exams. i only attended 2 days out of 5 this week. i can't do this anymore. every day i long for something terrible to happen to me, like getting cancer. maybe then my family will finally start treating me like a person.. but i suppose that's wishful thinking. i haven't felt like this in years. i nearly ctb by jumping off the roof of the apartment building i live at back in 2022, and yet i couldn't do it. cowardice has defined my entire life. i'm thinking of deliberately sabotaging every relationship i know, in hopes that will force me to muster up the courage to ctb... maybe i've been subconsciously doing this. i don't know. maybe a conscious attempt to lose everything.. then i'd have nothing to lose. problem is, i'm afraid to do even that. one thing for sure though, if i do eventually go through with this, i'll make sure to instil the most psychological torture as possible to my grieving family. i will make it my absolute mission to unambiguously convey that it's all their fault, and they deserve nothing but all-encompassing pain to carry them to their grave. they failed me. they don't deserve peace. i don't know if i should do this with a long or short note.. leaning towards short since maybe they'll eventually realize they didn't deserve an elaborate explanation.
i just don't want anyone to expect anything from me anymore. nothing feels real anymore. it's paradoxical, isn't it? i want people to leave me alone even though i still long for someone to treat me like a person. but i just keep pushing everyone away
i just don't want anyone to expect anything from me anymore. nothing feels real anymore. it's paradoxical, isn't it? i want people to leave me alone even though i still long for someone to treat me like a person. but i just keep pushing everyone away
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