LunarCharm
I’m ready to go
- Jul 2, 2023
- 72
this is a vent post, but also is just me kind of yapping.
I have one real friend who I talk to most but can't be honest about my mental health with, and family-wise my mother is semi absent and my siblings are far too young to even consider talking to about anything.
people confuse me so much.
I'm a very open and honest person, or at least I like to think I am. So when people who aren't family members/extremely close friends talk to me and the topic leads to rough topics, I'm honest about how I feel and my opinions on things.
This being said, at my job I work with people in my age range (young college students), and we all joke about suicide and have discussions relating to serious topics, inbetween doing our jobs or while doing them.
they also know that when I joke I'm always half joking; they're well aware of my mental health issues.
Tonight on my shift, I was speaking to the new shift lead and found out that he also thinks it's incredibly stupid that we're forced to live, but we're not allowed to die if we feel it's necessary.
I thought it was cool to meet someone who thinks the same way as me, although he isn't suicidal (has sh-ed before and attempted, but is no longer in the mindset)
regarding ctb, I really want to as soon as possible. Realistically I could make that happen on Monday, the 18th(?); although not thru an ideal method (I could use any method that doesn't require purchasing hard to find or particularly expensive equipment.)
but I won't, and that's because I still live with family, with siblings who are young. (ranged 13-15), and my mother.
I do not want to traumatize them, honestly.
I actively want to die, I feel I am ready to, but I have the compassion to not want to harm those in my life, despite the fact that I know deep down that's inevitable.
I keep telling myself just make it to friday, and it's so hard.
So I don't know when I'll ctb. It could be impulsive one night, or i could one day plan a specific date for it to pre-plan every detail. I don't know.
I wish that I could just coincidentally get into a fatal accident that leaves me dead painlessly, so that my family doesn't have to suffer the pain of me being my own killer.
Although I'm not sure there's too much difference.
i hope death is nothingness. I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to think. I don't want to be alive.
I honestly just can't find joy in anything.
I've been trying to cope through my artwork and animation. Maybe I'll make articles showcasing work I'm particularly proud of at some point in the off topic section.
i don't know.
I have one real friend who I talk to most but can't be honest about my mental health with, and family-wise my mother is semi absent and my siblings are far too young to even consider talking to about anything.
people confuse me so much.
I'm a very open and honest person, or at least I like to think I am. So when people who aren't family members/extremely close friends talk to me and the topic leads to rough topics, I'm honest about how I feel and my opinions on things.
This being said, at my job I work with people in my age range (young college students), and we all joke about suicide and have discussions relating to serious topics, inbetween doing our jobs or while doing them.
they also know that when I joke I'm always half joking; they're well aware of my mental health issues.
Tonight on my shift, I was speaking to the new shift lead and found out that he also thinks it's incredibly stupid that we're forced to live, but we're not allowed to die if we feel it's necessary.
I thought it was cool to meet someone who thinks the same way as me, although he isn't suicidal (has sh-ed before and attempted, but is no longer in the mindset)
regarding ctb, I really want to as soon as possible. Realistically I could make that happen on Monday, the 18th(?); although not thru an ideal method (I could use any method that doesn't require purchasing hard to find or particularly expensive equipment.)
but I won't, and that's because I still live with family, with siblings who are young. (ranged 13-15), and my mother.
I do not want to traumatize them, honestly.
I actively want to die, I feel I am ready to, but I have the compassion to not want to harm those in my life, despite the fact that I know deep down that's inevitable.
I keep telling myself just make it to friday, and it's so hard.
So I don't know when I'll ctb. It could be impulsive one night, or i could one day plan a specific date for it to pre-plan every detail. I don't know.
I wish that I could just coincidentally get into a fatal accident that leaves me dead painlessly, so that my family doesn't have to suffer the pain of me being my own killer.
Although I'm not sure there's too much difference.
i hope death is nothingness. I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to think. I don't want to be alive.
I honestly just can't find joy in anything.
I've been trying to cope through my artwork and animation. Maybe I'll make articles showcasing work I'm particularly proud of at some point in the off topic section.
i don't know.
