Pomegranate
"To die is gain."
- Jan 21, 2022
- 78
I've been taking clomipramine and going to therapy for several months. Recently, I've gotten into acceptance therapy, telling myself I can handle all my distressing thoughts, instead of fighting them or running away from them. Today, I thought, "Hey, maybe I can go back and finish college, maybe even get into med school." But only then did OCD creep its snaky head. "Oh, maybe you're not really sick, why are you still receiving governmental assistance? Oh, you have an upcoming clinical trial, why are you on the waitlist if you're not sick anymore? Oh, what if you fail your classes and feel worse than before?"
Ugh!! I just finished weeping. I hate life. I hate the universe. I hate how pain is everywhere. I hate how pain was there tens of millions of years before we humans existed. I hate that there is no way to escape suffering but to kill oneself. This whole world revolves around survival rather than feeling good, and it's disgusting how natural selection can lead to something so messed up. I hate this life.
Ugh!! I just finished weeping. I hate life. I hate the universe. I hate how pain is everywhere. I hate how pain was there tens of millions of years before we humans existed. I hate that there is no way to escape suffering but to kill oneself. This whole world revolves around survival rather than feeling good, and it's disgusting how natural selection can lead to something so messed up. I hate this life.