Life is great, but I still want it to end…

[Littlebeeme]

Hey guys, this is my first post and wanted to hear thoughts on it. My life when I was young was terrible. No friends, with a family that constantly told me that I was hated and worthless. So obviously, I wanted to end it. but now, my life is great. I have a boyfriend who I love, my roommate is my best friend, I pay only $500 in rent for a spacious apartment, have 2 dogs and a ferret who are basically my kids, have a job that pays well-ish, and am no longer speaking to my toxic family. but still, I dream everyday of ways to end it. not one day goes by where I'm not thinking of how I want to die. it almost feels like it's destiny, like no matter how good life gets I'll always feel this way. anyone else in the same position?? oh, I'm also on antidepressants that work very well, I'm never sad. But suicidal? All the time. idk how that makes sense. I feel like no matter what, I'll end up taking my life soon. it's almost like a calling that I can't avoid.

 

[AriasRed]

I'm in a similar situation to yours. Had some issues growing up that affected my mental health in negative ways. Now, life has improved a lot. I have a college degree, people who love me for who I am, a support system, lovely dogs and a job that can make anyone jealous. Yet, here I am, still having thoughts of ending it all. I'm also on antidepressants that helps me not have these thoughts 24/7. Just know that you're not alone in that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I can't say I have identical circumstances to you. I've had ideation for a very long time- 33 years. However, I haven't had all that many periods that were as 'happy'/ successful as yours. Still- some periods have been better than others and yet- I still thought about suicide. I've always thought of it like that line from 'The Matrix' film: it's like 'a splinter in your mind.' I kind of feel once you have made the decision that suicide is an ok thing to do- it will always kind of be there. It maybe almost becomes a habit to think about it- I don't know.

Personally speaking- I suppose I have very certain feelings towards suicide and my own suicide especially. So- it doesn't necessarily need to be sadness that triggers these thoughts for me.

I like the thought of being empowered. Of being in control of my own destiny. I definitely don't like the idea of being a wage slave the rest of my life or suffering from some chronic illness. I think that rebellious aspect of it appeals to me. Plus- I'm creative- so it feels a kind of apt ending for me. I have gallows humour also- so, even humourous situations aren't immune to ideation! I suppose the part of me that endulges in self pity wants to see part of my life, even part of every life as tragic. So- suicide also fits in that scenario.

For me though- these thoughts aren't intrusive or unwelcome. If anything, they have become comfortable. I get the impression maybe this isn't the case for you though? Do you feel like they hold you back or trouble you? In which case- I hope the meds work for you- or, maybe you could try talking to someone to try and modify your thinking?

 

[tobby rabbit]

I really get you, I've also been through some shit as a kid, but now things are much better, I have more freedom, sometimes I even look in the mirror and think that I am not disgusting, but still my eating disorder is with me, the thoughts about ending it all (even though i'm on antidepressants) are following me everyday. I can't imagine myself wanting to live, I really feel like I was born to die