Venting Life is good

[traintracks.mp3]

My life is good, by all measurable standards. I am stable in relationship, job, housing, etc, but the crushing sadness still doesn't cease. I have been depressed since I was 8, and barely remember what happiness feels like. I've been in treatment since I was 10. I am turning 20 soon. I believe 20 will be my ultimatum. Is this really all that happiness is? Is life just a few sparks of dopamine washed away by an unshakable melancholy? I cannot live for the happy moments, when the painful ones are so much stronger. Every rare moment of joy I have pales in comparison to the daily sadness of life. I wish I could imagine things would get better, that I'm simply at rock bottom, but the truth is my life is good. I should be at my peak. But I still find myself crying at night, wishing for a home that doesn't exist. I've begun to believe this "home" is death. I'm still haunted by my past, cannot rid myself of prying eyes, wandering hands, and fear. I just want to go home.

 

[wagner2029]

My life is good, by all measurable standards. I am stable in relationship, job, housing, etc, but the crushing sadness still doesn't cease. I have been depressed since I was 8, and barely remember what happiness feels like. I've been in treatment since I was 10. I am turning 20 soon. I believe 20 will be my ultimatum. Is this really all that happiness is? Is life just a few sparks of dopamine washed away by an unshakable melancholy? I cannot live for the happy moments, when the painful ones are so much stronger. Every rare moment of joy I have pales in comparison to the daily sadness of life. I wish I could imagine things would get better, that I'm simply at rock bottom, but the truth is my life is good. I should be at my peak. But I still find myself crying at night, wishing for a home that doesn't exist. I've begun to believe this "home" is death. I'm still haunted by my past, cannot rid myself of prying eyes, wandering hands, and fear. I just want to go home.

What exactly bothers you? How do you think it should be?
Are you in treatment?

 

[traintracks.mp3]

What exactly bothers you? How do you think it should be?
Are you in treatment?

My lack of emotions mainly. It's frustrating. I should be happy. I am taking all my medications, going to therapy, and being productive. I believe I shouldn't be so willing to throw away my life, I shouldn't crave death so much, I shouldn't be so hung up on my past.

 

[wagner2029]

Do you already have a diagnosis? asperger? autism?
Based on what did you get this idea that it should be better?
What is the origin of this thought?
Maybe you are idealizing something that wasn't your idea.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

Do you already have a diagnosis? asperger? autism?
Based on what did you get this idea that it should be better?
What is the origin of this thought?
Maybe you are idealizing something that wasn't your idea.

Yes I was diagnosed with autism 4 years ago, depression 9 years ago, OCD 5 years ago, and schizophrenia just this year. I don't quite know why I feel this way, but I just wish life felt bearable.

 

[wagner2029]

Has this diagnosis been confirmed by other doctors?
You have a heavy cross to carry.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

Has this diagnosis been confirmed by other doctors?
You have a heavy cross to carry.

Yes it has, I have seen multiple doctors throughout my lifetime and had multiple psychiatric assessments. Thank you for your validation, though. It feels nice