Discussion Life is good, but I really want to die. Does anyone else feel this way?

[loser1000]

My life is good, my family loves me, and I have a prosperous career ahead of me if I just put in the work. The problem is, I don't want to. Why? Because I'm stupid. I am so unbelievably stupid.

My anxiety and depression are through the roof. I shouldn't have any anxiety though since I don't have a tragic backstory to justify it. I haven't earned anything in life, I only have what I do because it's being propped up by my parents. They would be better off without me that's for sure.

I have no friends, because I don't socialize and because it scares me. Talking to people is painful. I'd rather die than actually talk to people, how pathetic is that.

Dose anyone else have a good life on paper but for whatever reason you just can't make yourself live it? I would really like to know...

I like this picture I took. it looks ominous, but welcoming.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I preconceive my potential good future to be depressing and still have me feeling suicidal for some reason..

 

[_Gollum_]

Me. I grew up with two parents in a middle-income household in one of the most developed countries in the world. I was never bullied at school and excelled in academics. I saved up enough money to move out at 18. I got a good-paying job after university and am more than able to support myself. I've never been assaulted or abused, and all my employers have respected me and given me recognition for good work.

Despite my excellent conditions, I have an almost constant desire to die. It makes me feel enormously guilty. I wish I could give everything I have to someone who would make use of it. I wish I could give my life to someone who wanted to live. It's actually one of my justifications for CTB: the people who will inherit my savings will make much better use of it than I ever will.

If you'll allow me, you seem to be in a bit of a different position. You say you have a good life, but then went on to list several serious problems. Anxiety is no joke, and it doesn't need any particular "tragic backstory" to justify itself. It can just spontaneously occur. That, plus the lack of social support, is enough to make a life challenging. You are absolutely justified in feeling what you feel.

 

[loser1000]

I preconceive my potential good future to be depressing and still have me feeling suicidal for some reason..

Me. I grew up with two parents in a middle-income household in one of the most developed countries in the world. I was never bullied at school and excelled in academics. I saved up enough money to move out at 18. I got a good-paying job after university and am more than able to support myself. I've never been assaulted or abused, and all my employers have respected me and given me recognition for good work.

Despite my excellent conditions, I have an almost constant desire to die. It makes me feel enormously guilty. I wish I could give everything I have to someone who would make use of it. I wish I could give my life to someone who wanted to live. It's actually one of my justifications for CTB: the people who will inherit my savings will make much better use of it than I ever will.

If you'll allow me, you seem to be in a bit of a different position. You say you have a good life, but then went on to list several serious problems. Anxiety is no joke, and it doesn't need any particular "tragic backstory" to justify itself. It can just spontaneously occur. That, plus the lack of social support, is enough to make a life challenging. You are absolutely justified in feeling what you feel.

Thank you, apologies for explaining it poorly. I really do have such a good life, so many opportunities that the average person doesn't easily have access to. I have so much support behind me, so much love, so much freedom, it's suffocating. I hate that all these wonderful privileges are wasted on me and that I don't have the willpower to make the best of it. I feel beyond selfish for wanting to complain at all about how my life is "too good". They're not pressuring me in a toxic way at all. Every decision and failure I make is entirely my fault. It hurts to fail so much when all I have to do is pull it together and not waste the resources given to me. But I'm not a hard worker, I can't make my dreams come true through good will alone. I know failing is a part of life and that's it's part of the growing process. But despite my self awareness I always manage to stay the same. Maybe spontaneous anxiety is a good enough explanation for strangers on the Internet, but not for the real world where consequences and money exist. I think I'm just yapping now, I don't know what I'm even thinking anymore. Thank you for your response, I greatly appreciate it

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Thank you, apologies for explaining it poorly. I really do have such a good life, so many opportunities that the average person doesn't easily have access to. I have so much support behind me, so much love, so much freedom, it's suffocating. I hate that all these wonderful privileges are wasted on me and that I don't have the willpower to make the best of it. I feel beyond selfish for wanting to complain at all about how my life is "too good". They're not pressuring me in a toxic way at all. Every decision and failure I make is entirely my fault. It hurts to fail so much when all I have to do is pull it together and not waste the resources given to me. But I'm not a hard worker, I can't make my dreams come true through good will alone. I know failing is a part of life and that's it's part of the growing process. But despite my self awareness I always manage to stay the same. Maybe spontaneous anxiety is a good enough explanation for strangers on the Internet, but not for the real world where consequences and money exist. I think I'm just yapping now, I don't know what I'm even thinking anymore. Thank you for your response, I greatly appreciate it

Have you ever seen a psychologist about this? If not it's possible you have clinical depression or major depressive disorder. Both of which can be combated with therapy and/or meds.

 

[loser1000]

I have before a very long time ago. I don't remember much about it though, I have a terrible memory. I'm going to an appointment with my mom at some point in the near future, a date has not been decided yet. I despise the thought of taking medication, I hope it doesn't come to that. I'd rather learn sustainable steps for self improvement rather than be dependent on an external factor. Definitely some irrational thinking on my part, I'm not trying to discredit the concept of medication as a whole. These are just my thoughts. Thank you for asking and for listening to me.

 

[purebliss]

My life is good, my family loves me, and I have a prosperous career ahead of me if I just put in the work. The problem is, I don't want to. Why? Because I'm stupid. I am so unbelievably stupid.

My anxiety and depression are through the roof. I shouldn't have any anxiety though since I don't have a tragic backstory to justify it. I haven't earned anything in life, I only have what I do because it's being propped up by my parents. They would be better off without me that's for sure.

I have no friends, because I don't socialize and because it scares me. Talking to people is painful. I'd rather die than actually talk to people, how pathetic is that.

Dose anyone else have a good life on paper but for whatever reason you just can't make yourself live it? I would really like to know...

I like this picture I took. it looks ominous, but welcoming.
View attachment 200051

This.
I feel you exactly there.

I have an extremely good and objectively successful life. Even genetically speaking I lucked out.

But my brain makes being me hell. I can't enjoy shit. I can sit in a room full of loved ones and still never feel so abandoned.

Every second I am alone with no external stimuli I spiral deeper and deeper into my own misery.

 

[loser1000]

This.
I feel you exactly there.

I have an extremely good and objectively successful life. Even genetically speaking I lucked out.

But my brain makes being me hell. I can't enjoy shit. I can sit in a room full of loved ones and still never feel so abandoned.

Every second I am alone with no external stimuli I spiral deeper and deeper into my own misery.

I relate to the loved ones aspect a lot. I'm surrounded by people that love me and yet I still feel weirdly alone. It sucks to feel this way, thank you for reading

 

[purebliss]

I relate to the loved ones aspect a lot. I'm surrounded by people that love me and yet I still feel weirdly alone. It sucks to feel this way, thank you for reading

It's hell. But hey. It will end soon ^^ I find some solace in that

 

[Forveleth]

On paper, I have it all. Degrees, good job, family, friends, husband. But it is all empty to me. My job is unfulfilling, my family is supportive of my choices only if I do what they want, and my husband is an abusive asshole just using me for my money. It has all shown me that life just is not worth it. You can do all the things you are "supposed" to do and still be miserable.

 

[purebliss]

On paper, I have it all. Degrees, good job, family, friends, husband. But it is all empty to me. My job is unfulfilling, my family is supportive of my choices only if I do what they want, and my husband is an abusive asshole just using me for my money. It has all shown me that life just is not worth it. You can do all the things you are "supposed" to do and still be miserable.

This ^

I also attribute some pain that I feel to capitalism itself.
Life is impossible to be fulfilling in a system that is designed completely against you

 

[aroll]

I feel you, and I can't understand it even myself.