Life is Funny

[mortifiedsum]

Hello everyone.

I've recently joined this site to simply read about others that are going through the same thing I have been going through for years. I am officially in my late 20's and have struggled with severe depression and bipolar type 1 for since I was 11. I was only diagnosed bipolar in my early 20's. It was a relief to finally have an answer on why I am the way I am. However, after many medications and therapy appointments, I still struggle everyday with suicide ideation. To the point that I looked up the best method to CTB. At some point we all should have the choice when we want to go and when we are so exhausted that this is our final option.

This isn't a post about why you should or shouldn't CTB but my own realizations I suppose. For background, I am happily married and have 2 dogs that I cherish immensely. Despite all of that, I constantly think about when will I, myself, get better? When will I feel…. Normal? When do I get to choose that I have had enough of this mental torment that has plagued me for years? No matter how "happy" I am… The thought has always lingered. It is always there and I fear it will never go away. Even in my happiest of moments, a quiet thought of CTB will pass through. Sneaky little thing it is.

Though I have everything I could want or need.. This thought has tormented me for years. It is a thought that I fear will never go away. I have gone through threads here and have decided if I do CTB that SN would be my preferred method.

Is anyone else in my boat? Not going through anything particularly but just thinking of it and fantasizing about CTB constantly?

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Sort of; longstanding mental health issues diagnosed in early 30s. Single, with a couple failed relationships in my past. Three that lasted for significant amounts of time.

The thought crossed my mind during those relationships that I should kill myself now so as to avoid future suffering, and to be entirely honest I was damn right. I should've killed myself when I was coming up to my 30s living my best life and I was happy and I had a shred of agency left. Now I fear I may be too damaged to master my will enough to die. Maybe it was impossible then, too. But I should have tried harder. I've been attempting since I was a child.

 

[mortifiedsum]

Sort of; longstanding mental health issues diagnosed in early 30s. Single, with a couple failed relationships in my past. Three that lasted for significant amounts of time.

The thought crossed my mind during those relationships that I should kill myself now so as to avoid future suffering, and to be entirely honest I was damn right. I should've killed myself when I was coming up to my 30s living my best life and I was happy and I had a shred of agency left. Now I fear I may be too damaged to master my will enough to die. Maybe it was impossible then, too. But I should have tried harder. I've been attempting since I was a child.

Have you attempted recently or since your relationships have ended? What were your methods? Why do you think you're no longer capable of CTB?

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Have you attempted recently or since your relationships have ended? What were your methods? Why do you think you're no longer capable of CTB?

Because of the strength of survival instinct. I believe I have damaged my impulse control/willpower through repeated head injuries, plus while not having a brain scan myself, others like me have a little bit less in the frontal lobe which is as I understand it to be related to impulse control and decision making. I will need to lean on this community for peer support because I am highly impressionable and lack a solid sense of identity on my own. I am not confused about my wish to die; it's hell living as half a human being. In the past five years I've opened my veins three times and also eaten all the bitter apricot kernels but each time I was drinking and I called myself in. Not happy. The cutting is meh, that's just gambling with my life and hoping.

It's just the willpower to overcome the SI and the fear of something I am uncertain of. I believe that may be connected to unprocessed grief and interpersonal relationships.