Help Life is empty but I don't want to die

[orpheus_]

Over the recent months, I have slowly stopped being generally actively suicidal, I may even say that I fear death and somehow don't want to die. It's like an instinct that came back. But life feels empty. I still know it's meaningless, and I cannot deal with it. Everything is just terribly, terribly boring. I tried things, socializing, hobbies, living to help others, trying to "find meaning" in any way. But deep inside I always came back to.. well, it's all meaningless. We humans are just stupid little creatures, thinking we are something more than just a speck of dust that will fall apart any time soon. It's just.. there is no point in doing anything.

I know that life doesn't have to be about some abstract "meaning" but my point is, I see no reason to live or do anything, other than the instinct of life. And maybe I don't want to cause trouble to others, so I'm trying to function normally to keep up with my duties. Well these are also meaningless.

Some time ago I got medication that gave me more energy, which is theoretically a good thing because being constantly tired was one of my biggest problems. Now I can keep up with basic functioning, like I have that energy to get out of bed, to clean, to eat, to go outside, I just have no *will* to do it. Because it's pointless. All pointless and boring, and because of that terrible boredom - painful.

Sometimes I envy people who can find anything good in their lives. I look at them and would like to be one of them, but it's just like there is a big glass pane separating me from the world. And at the same time, a part of me wants to break it - and enjoy this existence even a bit, but the other part of me just knows that it will do nothing in the end and it's not worth the effort.

But because of that instinct of life, I want to keep living and trying if I got that chance, it's just... Why. Why would I. I'm thinking about stopping all my medications so maybe that will-to-die could slowly come back... But I'm so afraid that it won't.

I really don't want to keep living this way.

 

[BlueVolt]

How long have you held the idea that life has no meaning? Or at least, how long have you been suffering from this?

 

[orpheus_]

How long have you held the idea that life has no meaning? Or at least, how long have you been suffering from this?

SInce I was a kid, the earliest I can reliably recall is around the age of 9.
It was always a source of suffering for me, but when I was younger I sometimes managed to numb it with hobbies or simple pleasures. In the last 4 years they stopped working too

 

[BlueVolt]

I struggled like you with this feeling of pureposelessness, it was almost unbearable when I was younger. I don't know exactly what stopped it, it can come back sometimes but in a different flavour. However I realized that even if life is indeed meaningless, this idea itself is not supposed to make me feel empty or to be painful.
Like I think the problem is not the absence of meaning but the way my brain responded to it. It's still hard though, I'm sorry that you're experiencing it.

 

[Defatigatis]

I feel like i'm in almost the same boat as you, stuck; bored and struggling to live, but also burdened by the thought of not wanting to die.