piddincir
Student
- Nov 6, 2023
- 173
Firstly I am going to state this is not some pro life bullshit about how you shouldn't do it because of your loved ones this is just my experience from the last 7 weeks of losing my wife, best friend and soulmate to suicide and the impact it's had, not just on myself but everyone around her.
It's been 7 weeks since I came home and found my wife had taken her own life. Today marks the 7 week anniversary of the first day I would never see her again.
Needless to say it's been the worst 7 weeks of my life. She was my world, I was hers but sadly she wasn't enough for herself. I know she held on as long as she could for me and that our love had kept her going, and happy for 9.5 out of our 10 years. She always suffered from depression and suicidal ideation from a young age (12) but since we met she really didn't until this year where things spiralled downwards for her where the only way out she could see was ending it all thinking everyone would be better off without her. This was something she had stated to me in the last month and try as I might I couldn't convince her otherwise.
She was half of me, truly my better half, she was kind, smart, funny, beautiful - but she could never see this in herself. I would always tell her if only I could lend you my eyes so you could really see yourself and how amazing you are.
Half of me died the night she did, and the other half of me dies a little more each day. She took my life too and my future as all I wanted in life was to grow old with her.
It's been a rollercoaster ride the last few weeks. I've circled through all the stages of grief to acceptance (though I will never fully accept she is gone I accept her decision). I have been left quietening constantly what more I could have done and really always will. I know deep down I did everything I could to love and support her and her decision really had nothing to do with that more just losing hope and truly believing in that moment that the world would be better off without her leaving her no other option (she was also very drunk when she acted and did it very impulsively).
I know for her things would have gotten better, I appreciate since being on here this isn't the case for everyone - she was lucky in so many ways and knew it but she just couldn't get that right in her own head - she had battled her demons most of her life. She was made redundant and struggled to find a new job, she would have eventually but was disheartened by constantly applying for Jobs, getting interviews and being rejected. She felt like a burden to me for supporting her financially and emotionally, add in her secret alcoholism and it was a recipe for disaster.
In the last 7 weeks my life has been destroyed, I've tried and failed to take my own life and I know there is no hope for me either, she was my reason to live, she kept me strong and life without her has lost all meaning.
She had isolated herself from her friends and family, she really felt that no one cared about her but me. Truth is this has had a huge impact on so many people she thought didn't care about her. Obviously her family have been devastated (they're largely to blame for fucking her up in the first place) and true to their character have taken this very personally but will never accept their own responsibility in this.
It's devastated my family, who loved her like a daughter and who she was closer to that her own family, not only losing her but they know deep down they have lost me too. My mother is terrified every time the phone rings that it will be inform her that I am also gone. I know the impact this will have but it wouldn't stop me either now.
Her her school/university friends, her ex work colleagues - who she had lost touch with (she was really bad at keeping in touch and took it personally when people didn't get back to her) have all been devistated - all were so shocked to hear it and all of them wished they had done more, sadly no one really could - I have seen so many nice messages for so many of them who messaged her posthumously with just such lovely things and how she touched all their lives.
My work colleagues and friends as well all knew her very well as we did everything together all the time, they all loved her but also know I am gone.
Even down to the postman, the people in our local shop, our neighbours have all been really saddened by this.
I guess it is a testament to her and her character but I just wished she had seen this in herself.
Grief aside, I have been left alone, In our lovely home with all our possessions and memories, all of which I am having to sell as I dont want to leave the same mess she left me to my parents. I am having to live to her funeral as I know without me as her next of kin it will fall to her parents who won't honour her the way she would have liked as they didn't know her at all and won't honour my dying wish to have our ashes combined so we will be together in some way forever.
She thought she was leaving me better off and the fact I can't live without her aside I am actually much worse off without her, for example financially, I am liable for all the bills now, technically some of her debts, I have to pay for her funeral and the admin side of this to those left behind unexpectedly is a nightmare. She wouldn't have thought of any of this in the moment, clearly, nor the fact that I would have to find her the love of my life, cold and dead - it makes an already unbearable situation completely unliveable, that image is seared into my retinas, every time I close my eyes I see it. I see it with my waking eyes.
I guess what I have learned from this is how to do it right, plan your exit and try and minimise the damage and devastation you leave behind. I will get rid of all our possessions, keep obviously the sentimental things for our families, sell it all off and leave it behind to pay for my funeral.
I've written a will of what I want given to who, mostly just sentimental things, like leaving my engagement ring to my nephew so he can one day give it to the person he loves as he will grow up not knowing either of us. I have written my note, my eulogy and a letter to the police when they find me so they know what happened. My wife's death is still an open investigation 7 weeks on. Most importantly I've written out an email to the police informing them of my death so they will find my body and inform my family.
I can't speak for everyone and wouldn't even try, this is just my experience - I know if my wife could look back and see the destruction this has caused she wouldn't have done it. Sadly none of us possess the gift of hindsight and I guess suicide is the one thing you won't live to regret.
Rant over!
It's been 7 weeks since I came home and found my wife had taken her own life. Today marks the 7 week anniversary of the first day I would never see her again.
Needless to say it's been the worst 7 weeks of my life. She was my world, I was hers but sadly she wasn't enough for herself. I know she held on as long as she could for me and that our love had kept her going, and happy for 9.5 out of our 10 years. She always suffered from depression and suicidal ideation from a young age (12) but since we met she really didn't until this year where things spiralled downwards for her where the only way out she could see was ending it all thinking everyone would be better off without her. This was something she had stated to me in the last month and try as I might I couldn't convince her otherwise.
She was half of me, truly my better half, she was kind, smart, funny, beautiful - but she could never see this in herself. I would always tell her if only I could lend you my eyes so you could really see yourself and how amazing you are.
Half of me died the night she did, and the other half of me dies a little more each day. She took my life too and my future as all I wanted in life was to grow old with her.
It's been a rollercoaster ride the last few weeks. I've circled through all the stages of grief to acceptance (though I will never fully accept she is gone I accept her decision). I have been left quietening constantly what more I could have done and really always will. I know deep down I did everything I could to love and support her and her decision really had nothing to do with that more just losing hope and truly believing in that moment that the world would be better off without her leaving her no other option (she was also very drunk when she acted and did it very impulsively).
I know for her things would have gotten better, I appreciate since being on here this isn't the case for everyone - she was lucky in so many ways and knew it but she just couldn't get that right in her own head - she had battled her demons most of her life. She was made redundant and struggled to find a new job, she would have eventually but was disheartened by constantly applying for Jobs, getting interviews and being rejected. She felt like a burden to me for supporting her financially and emotionally, add in her secret alcoholism and it was a recipe for disaster.
In the last 7 weeks my life has been destroyed, I've tried and failed to take my own life and I know there is no hope for me either, she was my reason to live, she kept me strong and life without her has lost all meaning.
She had isolated herself from her friends and family, she really felt that no one cared about her but me. Truth is this has had a huge impact on so many people she thought didn't care about her. Obviously her family have been devastated (they're largely to blame for fucking her up in the first place) and true to their character have taken this very personally but will never accept their own responsibility in this.
It's devastated my family, who loved her like a daughter and who she was closer to that her own family, not only losing her but they know deep down they have lost me too. My mother is terrified every time the phone rings that it will be inform her that I am also gone. I know the impact this will have but it wouldn't stop me either now.
Her her school/university friends, her ex work colleagues - who she had lost touch with (she was really bad at keeping in touch and took it personally when people didn't get back to her) have all been devistated - all were so shocked to hear it and all of them wished they had done more, sadly no one really could - I have seen so many nice messages for so many of them who messaged her posthumously with just such lovely things and how she touched all their lives.
My work colleagues and friends as well all knew her very well as we did everything together all the time, they all loved her but also know I am gone.
Even down to the postman, the people in our local shop, our neighbours have all been really saddened by this.
I guess it is a testament to her and her character but I just wished she had seen this in herself.
Grief aside, I have been left alone, In our lovely home with all our possessions and memories, all of which I am having to sell as I dont want to leave the same mess she left me to my parents. I am having to live to her funeral as I know without me as her next of kin it will fall to her parents who won't honour her the way she would have liked as they didn't know her at all and won't honour my dying wish to have our ashes combined so we will be together in some way forever.
She thought she was leaving me better off and the fact I can't live without her aside I am actually much worse off without her, for example financially, I am liable for all the bills now, technically some of her debts, I have to pay for her funeral and the admin side of this to those left behind unexpectedly is a nightmare. She wouldn't have thought of any of this in the moment, clearly, nor the fact that I would have to find her the love of my life, cold and dead - it makes an already unbearable situation completely unliveable, that image is seared into my retinas, every time I close my eyes I see it. I see it with my waking eyes.
I guess what I have learned from this is how to do it right, plan your exit and try and minimise the damage and devastation you leave behind. I will get rid of all our possessions, keep obviously the sentimental things for our families, sell it all off and leave it behind to pay for my funeral.
I've written a will of what I want given to who, mostly just sentimental things, like leaving my engagement ring to my nephew so he can one day give it to the person he loves as he will grow up not knowing either of us. I have written my note, my eulogy and a letter to the police when they find me so they know what happened. My wife's death is still an open investigation 7 weeks on. Most importantly I've written out an email to the police informing them of my death so they will find my body and inform my family.
I can't speak for everyone and wouldn't even try, this is just my experience - I know if my wife could look back and see the destruction this has caused she wouldn't have done it. Sadly none of us possess the gift of hindsight and I guess suicide is the one thing you won't live to regret.
Rant over!
