Venting Life as a liar

[CowsAreCool]

I am a liar

A prolific one. My whole life. As long as I've ever known. I lie.

I lie to everyone, constantly. To strangers, friends, family. Not about anything important, necessarily. Just anything. What I ate for breakfast. What I like to do or eat. How my day is going. I lie.

I'm incredibly good at it. Ridiculously good at it. I virtually never get caught. If I do get caught, I'm always able to play it as a simply misunderstanding.

But I even lie to myself. I say things, and then laying in bed at night, I'll suddenly realize they aren't true. It doesn't even occur to me as I tell the lies that they're lies. To me, in the moment, they're true. I believe half the lies I tell.

I hate living this way. But I have to lie to myself. I'm not sure I can live with myself. I tell myself that I'm smart and good looking. That I'll have a great future and that I'm capable of achieving my goals. That I add anything of value to this world.

I hate being a liar. But I hate myself more.

 

[looking_for_peace]

I understand how you feel. what sucks is that lying actually seems to work-- for a time at least, it feels much easier to make friends/have fulfilling conversations. but then it gets exhausting after a while doesn't it? suddenly you find yourself juggling a ton of bullshit lies that you must remember and sustain in order to keep the friends/partners who don't really know you. I'm not sure if that's why you lie, but I can understand the shame/guilt that comes with it.

 

[Pluto]

Everyone lies about stuff like how their day is going, not to mention feigning interest in how a stranger's day is going. Questions about the future are always speculative, so can't really count as lies.

When lying gets out of control, the cause usually seems to be a defense mechanism. Sometimes in childhood, we learn to lie as a means of evading punishment, and this becomes engrained as a habit. In extreme cases, entire masks, personas or alters can emerge, and the individual might not even be aware of their disintegration.

The worst part of the situation is that lying is a habit that can lead to tremendous worldly success, which disincentivises going through a process of self-improvement.

Being conscious of the situation is helpful, as is being in a position to feel remorse. It might be a situation that could be genuinely helped with therapy. Beneath the liar is some sort of inner child - perhaps deeply ashamed or afraid.