Let hope touch your heart

[alivefornow]

If you have stumbled upon this thread, I want to invite you to accompany me as we, together, try to allow ourselves to feel HOPE again.

I promise I'll try to keep things light! But we have to be honest about our condition. If we're in this website... it's likely not good.

But it doesn't mean it's over!

I will talk a bit about myself. Maybe you can relate to my experiences and we'll share some common ground.

---

I've heard about lots of people who claim to have recovered from very bad situations concerning mental health. You've probably heard about them too! To be honest, it used to anger me a bit, because it does not make you feel better at all, right? It's just something people say when they want to make you... stay. Make you try again, even if you don't feel like it anymore.

But if these people made it, why can't we? What's stopping us? What can we learn from them? And when will it be our turn? Let's think about this a bit.

Everyone is different. Each one of us is going through their own suffering. We have our own traumas, our own pain. Our own... disorders.

But these people, these recovered individuals... they were here too, where we are now. They too suffered greatly and had their hearts torn apart. By mental illness. By trauma. They too might have lost hope in ever feeling happiness again. Even in the little things.

---

This is where I am, and maybe where you are too.

It has been so long since I experienced a pain-free moment in my life. Sometimes I think I lost hope of ever going back to the way things once were.

I used to be able to just sleep the sadness off and wake up at least a bit better the next day. And even better the day after that. Yes, depression has been with me since a very early time in my life. But I had this power: to heal my heart through sleep.

I lost this power. I think the sum of all my failures and frustrations became too much to bear and I don't have anything good going on to cling to right now. I am paralyzed in life.

My brain lashes out at me and tortures my heart, making it physically hurt every second I'm awake. I have felt this for at least 15 years now, but it gets worse sometimes. This pain is directly related to my perception of myself and my trauma, and has gotten me committed to psych wards twice already.

---

But I can't just quit. Even though sometimes it's the only thing on my mind. I just can't lay this upon my mother, my father, everyone who still believes in me... even if I don't. And I don't think I got the guts to do the deed. I'm just not able to! I guess that's understandable, right? We're biologically inclined to choose life.

So I'm stuck here. I've always been good at making the best out of a bad situation, so why not this too?

We owe this to ourselves. We are mentally hurt, scarred, crippled. But we are NOT dead. So far we have chosen to live another day.

I have decided to believe that the power to heal myself is still in me. It never left. I just have to find a way to tap it again. It might be the hardest thing I ever do. Will I be able to? I don't know... but I can HOPE.

I will never say it is impossible again. I don't know that. I have to try.

---

Let's try it together. The thing I want the most in this life is not death. It's not even to stop suffering. That would be great, of course! But I guess suffering is just part of everyone's life.

The thing I want the most is to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of having a nice meal that fills you up, and laying in bed to sleep with your mind and heart at peace.

The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you nap on a saturday afternoon and wake up in a good mood.

The warm, fuzzy feeling I used to feel.

The warm, fuzzy feeling of things being OK.

Happiness. Happiness is a feeling.

We will get there. Eventually. And it will feel amazing. This is not our first rodeo. We are so strong. Just for still being here. We can carry ourselves out of this.

---

I am not a mental health professional. These are words from a BPD and depression patient, someone who was dealt a bad hand with regards to emotions.

This is my first time posting in the recovery board. If you read my previous posts, they are ridden with negativity, because that has been my reality for a good while now. I won't lie to you, things are still looking really bad for me. I wrote this post in HOPE that it might make me feel better. If you made it this far, I hope this is of some use to you.

May our hearts be mended. May our minds be healed. May we find our ways back into the cradling arms of joy.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I really admire you for taking this step, it's so hard. I'm in semi-recovery right now and things are way better than they were last year. Not only my thoughts/beliefs but my actual situation. So I definitely would recommend it. I wish you all the best <3

 

[Kimlett]

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[lita-lassi]

lovely words, much appreciated helped my day start a little better :)

 

[alivefornow]

I really admire you for taking this step, it's so hard. I'm in semi-recovery right now and things are way better than they were last year. Not only my thoughts/beliefs but my actual situation. So I definitely would recommend it. I wish you all the best <3

Thank you! I am glad to read about your progress. You are on the right path. Much love to you!

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you for your kind words!

lovely words, much appreciated helped my day start a little better :)

Thank you! I am so glad to help.

 

[_next.next213]

Thanks for posting this, it was nice to read. And I agree with you.
Picrel, it's a happy cat in a box.

 

[Leiot]

It has been so long since I experienced a pain-free moment in my life. Sometimes I think I lost hope of ever going back to the way things once were.

Me too. BPD as well. I agree with you on looking for the little things. I don't think I'll ever have a day where I don't think about suicide but at least I'm choosing life.

Hang in there

 

[alivefornow]

Thanks for posting this, it was nice to read. And I agree with you.
Picrel, it's a happy cat in a box.

Thanks! I made a box building for my cats and they love it. What's with cats and boxes anyway?

Me too. BPD as well. I agree with you on looking for the little things. I don't think I'll ever have a day where I don't think about suicide but at least I'm choosing life.

Hang in there

I think about it everyday too... but I am choosing to believe I can heal myself enough to not have these thoughts anymore. One day, maybe. I wasn't always like this. I am capable of healthy thought patterns. I just have to figure out how!

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Wish the media would talk about this side of SS! Thank you for writing this, its beautiful

 

[libertybellreplica]

thank you for sharing this it's very refreshing to see hopeful outlooks when your used to seeing the opposite. I think hope should be spread as much as possible so thank you

 

[Rudi]

If you have stumbled upon this thread, I want to invite you to accompany me as we, together, try to allow ourselves to feel HOPE again.

I promise I'll try to keep things light! But we have to be honest about our condition. If we're in this website... it's likely not good.

But it doesn't mean it's over!

I will talk a bit about myself. Maybe you can relate to my experiences and we'll share some common ground.

---

I've heard about lots of people who claim to have recovered from very bad situations concerning mental health. You've probably heard about them too! To be honest, it used to anger me a bit, because it does not make you feel better at all, right? It's just something people say when they want to make you... stay. Make you try again, even if you don't feel like it anymore.

But if these people made it, why can't we? What's stopping us? What can we learn from them? And when will it be our turn? Let's think about this a bit.

Everyone is different. Each one of us is going through their own suffering. We have our own traumas, our own pain. Our own... disorders.

But these people, these recovered individuals... they were here too, where we are now. They too suffered greatly and had their hearts torn apart. By mental illness. By trauma. They too might have lost hope in ever feeling happiness again. Even in the little things.

---

This is where I am, and maybe where you are too.

It has been so long since I experienced a pain-free moment in my life. Sometimes I think I lost hope of ever going back to the way things once were.

I used to be able to just sleep the sadness off and wake up at least a bit better the next day. And even better the day after that. Yes, depression has been with me since a very early time in my life. But I had this power: to heal my heart through sleep.

I lost this power. I think the sum of all my failures and frustrations became too much to bear and I don't have anything good going on to cling to right now. I am paralyzed in life.

My brain lashes out at me and tortures my heart, making it physically hurt every second I'm awake. I have felt this for at least 15 years now, but it gets worse sometimes. This pain is directly related to my perception of myself and my trauma, and has gotten me committed to psych wards twice already.

---

But I can't just quit. Even though sometimes it's the only thing on my mind. I just can't lay this upon my mother, my father, everyone who still believes in me... even if I don't. And I don't think I got the guts to do the deed. I'm just not able to! I guess that's understandable, right? We're biologically inclined to choose life.

So I'm stuck here. I've always been good at making the best out of a bad situation, so why not this too?

We owe this to ourselves. We are mentally hurt, scarred, crippled. But we are NOT dead. So far we have chosen to live another day.

I have decided to believe that the power to heal myself is still in me. It never left. I just have to find a way to tap it again. It might be the hardest thing I ever do. Will I be able to? I don't know... but I can HOPE.

I will never say it is impossible again. I don't know that. I have to try.

---

Let's try it together. The thing I want the most in this life is not death. It's not even to stop suffering. That would be great, of course! But I guess suffering is just part of everyone's life.

The thing I want the most is to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of having a nice meal that fills you up, and laying in bed to sleep with your mind and heart at peace.

The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you nap on a saturday afternoon and wake up in a good mood.

The warm, fuzzy feeling I used to feel.

The warm, fuzzy feeling of things being OK.

Happiness. Happiness is a feeling.

We will get there. Eventually. And it will feel amazing. This is not our first rodeo. We are so strong. Just for still being here. We can carry ourselves out of this.

---

I am not a mental health professional. These are words from a BPD and depression patient, someone who was dealt a bad hand with regards to emotions.

This is my first time posting in the recovery board. If you read my previous posts, they are ridden with negativity, because that has been my reality for a good while now. I won't lie to you, things are still looking really bad for me. I wrote this post in HOPE that it might make me feel better. If you made it this far, I hope this is of some use to you.

May our hearts be mended. May our minds be healed. May we find our ways back into the cradling arms of joy.

i love the fact that you decided to post this and take this step, it's really admirable.
i relate to a lot of the stuff you mentioned here. it's true, we arent dead yet, we decided to live yet another day. im kinda proud of myself and everyone who still hasn't left yet.
i'm trying to recover, except every time I do so, those thoughts and the urge comes back again and then it's worse than ever. I still haven't given up believing that I might actually recover fully soon, though.
Thank you for sharing this and goodluck to you! <3

 

[mango-meridian]

Thank you for the post. I think we're all stronger than we realize.

 

[Leiot]

But I can't just quit. Even though sometimes it's the only thing on my mind. I just can't lay this upon my mother, my father, everyone who still believes in me... even if I don't. And I don't think I got the guts to do the deed. I'm just not able to! I guess that's understandable, right? We're biologically inclined to choose life.

Just be careful with that kind of thinking. It can turn into hating them for keeping you here if it turns.

 

[SweetItalianS]

This post really fits well with cigarettes after sex - cry album that I'm listening to right now. You've mentioned that you wish to find a way to tap that power of hope, and I think you did found that way and tapped into the power.

Thank you for this message, it really made my day brighter

 

[alivefornow]

Wish the media would talk about this side of SS! Thank you for writing this, its beautiful

Thank you.

The pain we're going through is almost always overlooked in media reports. Journalists are very quick to point fingers but they don't make enough of an effort to understand why this website is special to some of us.

For me, it's because I can't explain what I feel to people in my life. They may try to empathize but won't ever truly get what it's like to be in this kind of pain 24/7.

thank you for sharing this it's very refreshing to see hopeful outlooks when your used to seeing the opposite. I think hope should be spread as much as possible so thank you

Thank you for your words of kindness. The point was not to force people to be hopeful, but invite them to try, out of their own will. I know what it's like to see no end in sight for the pain I feel. I just want to believe it's possible.

i love the fact that you decided to post this and take this step, it's really admirable.
i relate to a lot of the stuff you mentioned here. it's true, we arent dead yet, we decided to live yet another day. im kinda proud of myself and everyone who still hasn't left yet.
i'm trying to recover, except every time I do so, those thoughts and the urge comes back again and then it's worse than ever. I still haven't given up believing that I might actually recover fully soon, though.
Thank you for sharing this and goodluck to you! <3

Thanks! Good luck to you too.

Making the choice to keep going takes strength. If we have this kind of power, maybe we can pull ourselves out of this. Each one of us is fighting their own battle, and the enemy is inside. We can figure this out!

Thank you for the post. I think we're all stronger than we realize.

Indeed! We've come so far. Hope is what will help us make it through these dark times in our lives. We'll come out so much stronger in the end.

Just be careful with that kind of thinking. It can turn into hating them for keeping you here if it turns.

I completely understand. Hate is quick to spread in a heart that is weakened by so much suffering. We must not allow it to take over, because it may just consume us whole.

This post really fits well with cigarettes after sex - cry album that I'm listening to right now. You've mentioned that you wish to find a way to tap that power of hope, and I think you did found that way and tapped into the power.

Thank you for this message, it really made my day brighter

I am glad to read that. I hope you can find something everyday that brightens your life.

I am phasing in and out of hopelessness. I have been worse, which means I am somewhat better now. That's progress, right? I just have to figure out my next step, and the one after that, and so on. And climb my way out of this.

 

[Regen]

Oh thank you, I find myself very much in many of your words. It was wonderful to read that!

Everyone has a deep inner core and it is whole. I also often have the feeling that I am able to recover if I only find the key to this inner core, the opportunity to feel it and draw hope from it.

When I was once again at an absolute low point, I decided the following: I really enjoy distracting myself with my cell phone and I decided to watch a lot of films, video clips, reports, etc. about recovery, healing, therapy with the aim of getting my brain involved is fed with positive experiences and cannot ponder negatively at the same time during this time. So I wanted to get out of this spiral where my brain automatically always thinks about negative things. My idea was that by overwriting it with positive things, neuroplasticity changes. It definitely gave me a good push in a different direction.

Much love and peace to you, may you feel hope at some little moments and may you collect many of this little moments.