alivefornow
thinking about it
- Feb 6, 2023
- 166
If you have stumbled upon this thread, I want to invite you to accompany me as we, together, try to allow ourselves to feel HOPE again.
I promise I'll try to keep things light! But we have to be honest about our condition. If we're in this website... it's likely not good.
But it doesn't mean it's over!
I will talk a bit about myself. Maybe you can relate to my experiences and we'll share some common ground.
---
I've heard about lots of people who claim to have recovered from very bad situations concerning mental health. You've probably heard about them too! To be honest, it used to anger me a bit, because it does not make you feel better at all, right? It's just something people say when they want to make you... stay. Make you try again, even if you don't feel like it anymore.
But if these people made it, why can't we? What's stopping us? What can we learn from them? And when will it be our turn? Let's think about this a bit.
Everyone is different. Each one of us is going through their own suffering. We have our own traumas, our own pain. Our own... disorders.
But these people, these recovered individuals... they were here too, where we are now. They too suffered greatly and had their hearts torn apart. By mental illness. By trauma. They too might have lost hope in ever feeling happiness again. Even in the little things.
---
This is where I am, and maybe where you are too.
It has been so long since I experienced a pain-free moment in my life. Sometimes I think I lost hope of ever going back to the way things once were.
I used to be able to just sleep the sadness off and wake up at least a bit better the next day. And even better the day after that. Yes, depression has been with me since a very early time in my life. But I had this power: to heal my heart through sleep.
I lost this power. I think the sum of all my failures and frustrations became too much to bear and I don't have anything good going on to cling to right now. I am paralyzed in life.
My brain lashes out at me and tortures my heart, making it physically hurt every second I'm awake. I have felt this for at least 15 years now, but it gets worse sometimes. This pain is directly related to my perception of myself and my trauma, and has gotten me committed to psych wards twice already.
---
But I can't just quit. Even though sometimes it's the only thing on my mind. I just can't lay this upon my mother, my father, everyone who still believes in me... even if I don't. And I don't think I got the guts to do the deed. I'm just not able to! I guess that's understandable, right? We're biologically inclined to choose life.
So I'm stuck here. I've always been good at making the best out of a bad situation, so why not this too?
We owe this to ourselves. We are mentally hurt, scarred, crippled. But we are NOT dead. So far we have chosen to live another day.
I have decided to believe that the power to heal myself is still in me. It never left. I just have to find a way to tap it again. It might be the hardest thing I ever do. Will I be able to? I don't know... but I can HOPE.
I will never say it is impossible again. I don't know that. I have to try.
---
Let's try it together. The thing I want the most in this life is not death. It's not even to stop suffering. That would be great, of course! But I guess suffering is just part of everyone's life.
The thing I want the most is to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of having a nice meal that fills you up, and laying in bed to sleep with your mind and heart at peace.
The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you nap on a saturday afternoon and wake up in a good mood.
The warm, fuzzy feeling I used to feel.
The warm, fuzzy feeling of things being OK.
Happiness. Happiness is a feeling.
We will get there. Eventually. And it will feel amazing. This is not our first rodeo. We are so strong. Just for still being here. We can carry ourselves out of this.
---
I am not a mental health professional. These are words from a BPD and depression patient, someone who was dealt a bad hand with regards to emotions.
This is my first time posting in the recovery board. If you read my previous posts, they are ridden with negativity, because that has been my reality for a good while now. I won't lie to you, things are still looking really bad for me. I wrote this post in HOPE that it might make me feel better. If you made it this far, I hope this is of some use to you.
May our hearts be mended. May our minds be healed. May we find our ways back into the cradling arms of joy.
I promise I'll try to keep things light! But we have to be honest about our condition. If we're in this website... it's likely not good.
But it doesn't mean it's over!
I will talk a bit about myself. Maybe you can relate to my experiences and we'll share some common ground.
---
I've heard about lots of people who claim to have recovered from very bad situations concerning mental health. You've probably heard about them too! To be honest, it used to anger me a bit, because it does not make you feel better at all, right? It's just something people say when they want to make you... stay. Make you try again, even if you don't feel like it anymore.
But if these people made it, why can't we? What's stopping us? What can we learn from them? And when will it be our turn? Let's think about this a bit.
Everyone is different. Each one of us is going through their own suffering. We have our own traumas, our own pain. Our own... disorders.
But these people, these recovered individuals... they were here too, where we are now. They too suffered greatly and had their hearts torn apart. By mental illness. By trauma. They too might have lost hope in ever feeling happiness again. Even in the little things.
---
This is where I am, and maybe where you are too.
It has been so long since I experienced a pain-free moment in my life. Sometimes I think I lost hope of ever going back to the way things once were.
I used to be able to just sleep the sadness off and wake up at least a bit better the next day. And even better the day after that. Yes, depression has been with me since a very early time in my life. But I had this power: to heal my heart through sleep.
I lost this power. I think the sum of all my failures and frustrations became too much to bear and I don't have anything good going on to cling to right now. I am paralyzed in life.
My brain lashes out at me and tortures my heart, making it physically hurt every second I'm awake. I have felt this for at least 15 years now, but it gets worse sometimes. This pain is directly related to my perception of myself and my trauma, and has gotten me committed to psych wards twice already.
---
But I can't just quit. Even though sometimes it's the only thing on my mind. I just can't lay this upon my mother, my father, everyone who still believes in me... even if I don't. And I don't think I got the guts to do the deed. I'm just not able to! I guess that's understandable, right? We're biologically inclined to choose life.
So I'm stuck here. I've always been good at making the best out of a bad situation, so why not this too?
We owe this to ourselves. We are mentally hurt, scarred, crippled. But we are NOT dead. So far we have chosen to live another day.
I have decided to believe that the power to heal myself is still in me. It never left. I just have to find a way to tap it again. It might be the hardest thing I ever do. Will I be able to? I don't know... but I can HOPE.
I will never say it is impossible again. I don't know that. I have to try.
---
Let's try it together. The thing I want the most in this life is not death. It's not even to stop suffering. That would be great, of course! But I guess suffering is just part of everyone's life.
The thing I want the most is to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of having a nice meal that fills you up, and laying in bed to sleep with your mind and heart at peace.
The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you nap on a saturday afternoon and wake up in a good mood.
The warm, fuzzy feeling I used to feel.
The warm, fuzzy feeling of things being OK.
Happiness. Happiness is a feeling.
We will get there. Eventually. And it will feel amazing. This is not our first rodeo. We are so strong. Just for still being here. We can carry ourselves out of this.
---
I am not a mental health professional. These are words from a BPD and depression patient, someone who was dealt a bad hand with regards to emotions.
This is my first time posting in the recovery board. If you read my previous posts, they are ridden with negativity, because that has been my reality for a good while now. I won't lie to you, things are still looking really bad for me. I wrote this post in HOPE that it might make me feel better. If you made it this far, I hope this is of some use to you.
May our hearts be mended. May our minds be healed. May we find our ways back into the cradling arms of joy.
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