Venting lesson not learned

[Life_and_Death]

since yesterday ive been recovering from an empty stomach. i managed to physical pick myself back up this time thanks to the "doctor" knowledge i do have. in this case: be careful what you eat. having a big greasy burger on an empty belly is only going to make it worse. so yesterday i spent drinking ginger ale to help with my belly throwing up and boost to help with the malnutrition and getting me back to a point where i can eat physical foods. and i still would hesitate to have anything much more than soup. but thats the thing, i have enough knowledge to know where this is going, especially at this point. before when i got sick it would only last 1-5hrs. id get a headache sweats/chills, throw up then everything would just stop. id take an advil for my headache then go about my day. but the last time i got sick, i ended up being sick all day and throwing up 3 times vs the normal once. and this time i was then felt better, then felt sick, and am feeling better again. the sickness seems to be lasting longer and longer. meaning that sooner or later, my body isnt going to be able to recover on its own. it could have just been physically feeling like shit, but i was really worried that was going to be this time... but i managed to pick myself up.
the lesson not learned part....ive been looking at my stomach thinking "the only way im going to get better is to eat...." and im dreading eating, i dont want to put weight on. even for how bad i was feeling, im still not all gung ho to fix it. youd think id be like "yes fix it. i feel like shit, make it stop!" (which is what i was saying while i was sick. "please stop, you have nothing to throw up"). but i dont want my belly... i like it gone....even during my recovery yesterday i put off eating my soup because i didnt want to eat.

anorexia if f'en hell...youll kill yourself just to be accepted and still not get accepted.....

 

[Life_and_Death]

fuck it. im not caring if i die, im done trying to fucking eat. i bought a salad thinking id try to do something right and "fix myself" the leaves were wilted. i try to make myself some chicken and rice for supper and they didnt fucking clean the chicken right/good enough. im done, im so fucking done. its a million times easier to not eat. eating is the stupidest fucking thing in the world and probably takes up over half of your day once you realize it takes all the time from when you went to the grocery store all the way to cooking, dishes and using the bathroom (which granted not eating wouldnt completely fix but should cut down the amount of times). eating does nothing but upset me, why the fuck do i bother. of course under the "it upsets me" rule, why the fuck do i even bother waking up!!