Not_a_fan_of_life
Member
- Aug 9, 2026
- 11
I'm like pretty sick, I'm not a danger for other people, due to my morals, and respect of others, i really dont want to pull anyone into my insanity. However i feel a sicko kind of satisfaction holding knives to my head, or stabbing me loosely. I feel a tickling and so much joy when the knife touches me, it's not sexual, but i feel so much joy knowing i just would have to have the guts to apply force. I sometimes do, and cut myself a little, but never in a way others would see. (Except for my arms)
I want to die a long time now, seven years.
But i have to pull through because i don't want to hurt my friends and family.
But especially because of this, threatening myself or being reckless with my life feels so satisfying and joyful, I'm so eager to just stop existing. I wanna feel the warm blood flowing over my skin and dripping off my limp fingers, slowly loosing consciousness while having in mind the exciting fact that i wouldn't wake up again. This is not the most useful method for me, but it's the idea thats the most satisfactory.
If feels like playing with a forbidden fruit, i must resist despite me wanting to CTB so badly.
Do you also have end-stage level of suicidal ideation and weird behaviours that others couldn't understand regarding your wish to CTB?
I want to die a long time now, seven years.
But i have to pull through because i don't want to hurt my friends and family.
But especially because of this, threatening myself or being reckless with my life feels so satisfying and joyful, I'm so eager to just stop existing. I wanna feel the warm blood flowing over my skin and dripping off my limp fingers, slowly loosing consciousness while having in mind the exciting fact that i wouldn't wake up again. This is not the most useful method for me, but it's the idea thats the most satisfactory.
If feels like playing with a forbidden fruit, i must resist despite me wanting to CTB so badly.
Do you also have end-stage level of suicidal ideation and weird behaviours that others couldn't understand regarding your wish to CTB?
