Less than a week left. Ramble thread

[ketopia]

She/her

I'm starting to get nervous. There's a panicky feeling when I think about the people in my life who were relieved that my last attempt didn't work. I have the urge to say goodbye to them but I don't want to tip anyone off to my plan. I don't want to be helped, I just want to leave. I tried my best and I hope they know that.

I've been through too much even for a healthy, nt person with a wide support system. But im an undiagnosed autistic adult female, with crippling social anxiety. Everything that makes life worth living is truly beyond my reach. I'll never have a family, I'll never be stable in a career, I'll never own a home, I'll never travel, I'll never get married. My life isn't a life worth living. All I do is play video games and color and watch content about people I wish I could be.

I have been unemployed for over a year since my mom passed away. I've regressed so much... I recently had my first day at a job and even though it was such an easy gig, and only 4 hours, and exactly what all my work experience is in, I had a panic attack. Embarrassingly burst into tears in front of this poor lady. In her eyes I was just a normal new hire. She had no idea that im a shell of what I used to be. That im an incompetent, lazy, scared, empty person. I used to be the person everyone went to for help and now I can't handle the easiest job. It was literally the easiest thing I could think of and I couldn't do it. I'm hopeless. There is no future for me.

 

[CandyCane]

In case you didn't know, you don't need a future to deserve to be here.

 

[bankai]

I understand . we're here for you.There are tons of terrible cases where there are no other options. If you feel you've exhausted everything else and just can't continue.i understand.

I myself don't feel like I'll have much in this world once my mom passes. What's interesting is I'm considering leaving before her just because I don't want to be around for the day when I get the news she's gone. I don't think anything will break me as much as that.

What's even more interesting is I'm really doing well in every aspect of my health,Finance, etcetera.But I have to contend with just an empty, utter lack of joy.Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this.

 

[quietwoods]

I understand . we're here for you.There are tons of terrible cases where there are no other options. If you feel you've exhausted everything else and just can't continue.i understand.

I myself don't feel like I'll have much in this world once my mom passes. What's interesting is I'm considering leaving before her just because I don't want to be around for the day when I get the news she's gone. I don't think anything will break me as much as that.

What's even more interesting is I'm really doing well in every aspect of my health,Finance, etcetera.But I have to contend with just an empty, utter lack of joy.Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this.

The most guilt I feel is to some degree wishing the people tethering me to this world weren't here so I could CTB.

 

[ketopia]

I understand . we're here for you.There are tons of terrible cases where there are no other options. If you feel you've exhausted everything else and just can't continue.i understand.

I myself don't feel like I'll have much in this world once my mom passes. What's interesting is I'm considering leaving before her just because I don't want to be around for the day when I get the news she's gone. I don't think anything will break me as much as that.

What's even more interesting is I'm really doing well in every aspect of my health,Finance, etcetera.But I have to contend with just an empty, utter lack of joy.Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this.

For the longest time I wanted to ctb but I stayed for my mom. And then when she passed I found myself not able to consider leaving because I wanted to live for her. I know she wanted me to try. But I just am not strong enough

**************************
More ramble: my boyfriend

I met my boyfriend on discord a little over a year ago and we've spent every day on call together since then. The only time we're not on call is when we're together in person. I worry for him when I go. I don't doubt he'll be okay. But it's going to be a big change in his daily life to not have me there to yap to and share with. I love him a lot. When I had emergency surgery and lived alone, he flew out the next day to come take care of me even though we were broken up at the time. He's a very loving person and deserves a partner who can match his ambition and drive. We fight a lot because of my mental health and because.. we'll. Because of my personality honestly. I don't mean to argue but I can't stop sometimes. It's not fair to him.

I tell him how bad im struggling but I dont think he really understands. It's not his fault so please no negative comments. My ctb is going to hurt him a lot. I'm so sorry, Y. I love you.

 

[ketopia]

This morning when I woke up he said "Finally, I've been waiting to tell you-" and started telling me about all the stuff he's excited about and wanted to show me. I love him so much. When I think about him waiting for me to wake up after I ctb next week my heart breaks. I wish I was strong enough to stay for him. </3 really struggling right now

 

[nyctophilia]

This morning when I woke up he said "Finally, I've been waiting to tell you-" and started telling me about all the stuff he's excited about and wanted to show me. I love him so much. When I think about him waiting for me to wake up after I ctb next week my heart breaks. I wish I was strong enough to stay for him. </3 really struggling right now

You are honestly so strong already for staying here all this time while struggling so much, I'm so sorry, I understand your situation must be so tough right now

 

[ketopia]

Watching my mom get sicker and sicker and ultimately watching her pass away in front of me has fundamentally changed me as a person. The stress of it, the guilt, the fear. How many times I drove home from work hoping she hadn't fallen, or had low sugar and was laying on the floor hurt. One time she fell when I wasn't around, and when I got to the apartment I saw a stretcher outside with a white sheet over it. And she was so skinny at the time I couldn't tell if she was under it or not.

When she fell alone she was on the floor for an entire day. She was taken by the ambulance and I was left alone to clean up. There was blood, urine, and feces, a trail of each leading from the bathroom to the hallway and into the kitchen. I literally can't handle the thought of her on the ground, in pain, alone, sick, for so long. It's what all my nightmares are about. she was so small and had no strength. It was after this fall that she was moved into assisted living.

I watched her lose her independence, saw her heart break when she realized it wasn't safe to drive anymore, lose her apartment, going from walking to walker to a wheelchair. Going to dialysis 3x a week and the pain that came with it. I don't know how she stayed so positive. i was a wreck the entire time. I became a total bitch at work. I stopped making time for friends or dating. I stopped taking care of my own health and I gained 60 lbs in a year. My heart broke whenever I saw her but I also felt immense guilt when I went too long without visiting, taking her out. Loading her chair into my trunk to take her shopping or out to eat. Even though she could eat very little and she got tired after short excursions.

She wanted to go on a cruise. I told her no. I was too scared to be trapped and have her have a health scare. She even found a ship that has Dialysis facilities on board. But I said no. I was scared of covid, I was scared of cruises, I was scared of her health, I had no one to watch my cat, etc. Stupid excuses. I will always hate myself for saying no. denying her fun, freedom, adventure, She got too sick to do anything just a few short months later. All because of my anxiety and fear. I'm so sorry, mom.

 

[ketopia]

I've felt so sick the last couple days. Been getting headaches, acid reflux, heart palpitations, stomach ache. It's like my body knows what's going to happen and is giving me phantom SN poisoning symptoms. It might all be in my head. but my heart rate is real

 

[ketopia]

I never got to finish bg3

 

[SpinandPainr]

She/her

I'm starting to get nervous. There's a panicky feeling when I think about the people in my life who were relieved that my last attempt didn't work. I have the urge to say goodbye to them but I don't want to tip anyone off to my plan. I don't want to be helped, I just want to leave. I tried my best and I hope they know that.

I've been through too much even for a healthy, nt person with a wide support system. But im an undiagnosed autistic adult female, with crippling social anxiety. Everything that makes life worth living is truly beyond my reach. I'll never have a family, I'll never be stable in a career, I'll never own a home, I'll never travel, I'll never get married. My life isn't a life worth living. All I do is play video games and color and watch content about people I wish I could be.

I have been unemployed for over a year since my mom passed away. I've regressed so much... I recently had my first day at a job and even though it was such an easy gig, and only 4 hours, and exactly what all my work experience is in, I had a panic attack. Embarrassingly burst into tears in front of this poor lady. In her eyes I was just a normal new hire. She had no idea that im a shell of what I used to be. That im an incompetent, lazy, scared, empty person. I used to be the person everyone went to for help and now I can't handle the easiest job. It was literally the easiest thing I could think of and I couldn't do it. I'm hopeless. There is no future for me.

I'm mainly here to suggest something. There are email services where you can schedule an email to send at a predetermined date. you can also cancel the email sending up to that date. would be perfect for leaving those loved ones notes. You clearly care deeply about how CTB'ing would affect them. that's a respectable thing ya know?

I feel you. I'm having daily panic attacks from stress+autism. if you just want to vent my dm's are always open. I find it can be hard to find other autistic women to relate to (may I recommend aspergirls on reddit, for autism struggles). IDK if it helps cause ik how loud the inner voices can be. but your pain is very real and valid

Watching my mom get sicker and sicker and ultimately watching her pass away in front of me has fundamentally changed me as a person. The stress of it, the guilt, the fear. How many times I drove home from work hoping she hadn't fallen, or had low sugar and was laying on the floor hurt. One time she fell when I wasn't around, and when I got to the apartment I saw a stretcher outside with a white sheet over it. And she was so skinny at the time I couldn't tell if she was under it or not.

When she fell alone she was on the floor for an entire day. She was taken by the ambulance and I was left alone to clean up. There was blood, urine, and feces, a trail of each leading from the bathroom to the hallway and into the kitchen. I literally can't handle the thought of her on the ground, in pain, alone, sick, for so long. It's what all my nightmares are about. she was so small and had no strength. It was after this fall that she was moved into assisted living.

I watched her lose her independence, saw her heart break when she realized it wasn't safe to drive anymore, lose her apartment, going from walking to walker to a wheelchair. Going to dialysis 3x a week and the pain that came with it. I don't know how she stayed so positive. i was a wreck the entire time. I became a total bitch at work. I stopped making time for friends or dating. I stopped taking care of my own health and I gained 60 lbs in a year. My heart broke whenever I saw her but I also felt immense guilt when I went too long without visiting, taking her out. Loading her chair into my trunk to take her shopping or out to eat. Even though she could eat very little and she got tired after short excursions.

She wanted to go on a cruise. I told her no. I was too scared to be trapped and have her have a health scare. She even found a ship that has Dialysis facilities on board. But I said no. I was scared of covid, I was scared of cruises, I was scared of her health, I had no one to watch my cat, etc. Stupid excuses. I will always hate myself for saying no. denying her fun, freedom, adventure, She got too sick to do anything just a few short months later. All because of my anxiety and fear. I'm so sorry, mom.

Hey now. Caretaking fatigue is so fucking hard. I've lost a few loved ones at this point. do you think she passed feeling loved by you? did you do the best you could at the time? yeah you did. I hope I don't sound like an asshole. it's beyond heartbreaking watching someone you love lose grip of their independence and frightening realizing it could very well happen to you in a few years. I'm not trying to change your mind really. I hope it's slightly less lonely if for a second :(

This morning when I woke up he said "Finally, I've been waiting to tell you-" and started telling me about all the stuff he's excited about and wanted to show me. I love him so much. When I think about him waiting for me to wake up after I ctb next week my heart breaks. I wish I was strong enough to stay for him. </3 really struggling right now

something kind you could do if you are determined to pass is leave him a series of voice notes. upload it to google drive or similar. maybe 10 things I like about you, or your favorite of his quirks, your favorite conversation with him, a smell that reminds you of him. as much of your voice as you can get

 

[ketopia]

I'm mainly here to suggest something. There are email services where you can schedule an email to send at a predetermined date. you can also cancel the email sending up to that date. would be perfect for leaving those loved ones notes. You clearly care deeply about how CTB'ing would affect them. that's a respectable thing ya know?

I feel you. I'm having daily panic attacks from stress+autism. if you just want to vent my dm's are always open. I find it can be hard to find other autistic women to relate to (may I recommend aspergirls on reddit, for autism struggles). IDK if it helps cause ik how loud the inner voices can be. but your pain is very real and valid

Hey now. Caretaking fatigue is so fucking hard. I've lost a few loved ones at this point. do you think she passed feeling loved by you? did you do the best you could at the time? yeah you did. I hope I don't sound like an asshole. it's beyond heartbreaking watching someone you love lose grip of their independence and frightening realizing it could very well happen to you in a few years. I'm not trying to change your mind really. I hope it's slightly less lonely if for a second :(

something kind you could do if you are determined to pass is leave him a series of voice notes. upload it to google drive or similar. maybe 10 things I like about you, or your favorite of his quirks, your favorite conversation with him, a smell that reminds you of him. as much of your voice as you can get

I'm blown away by your reply. thank you for all the advice and taking the time to read and write back. You're a very sweet person. I'll keep the email service in mind and the voice notes too. thank you <33

 

[ketopia]

Dad,
You have nothing to do with my desire to die. you have nothing to do with my life. If it were up to me, no one would even tell you. you've been dead to me since you showed all of us how little respect you had for mom, even on her deathbed. I lost both my parents on the same day. You're both gone. I only grieve mom.

Brother,
I'm scared that my brother is going to hate me. He is really trying to help me get back on my feet and I feel immense guilt and shame that I'm letting his efforts go to waste. He and my friend moved me out of my apartment while I was in inpatient after my last attempt. He and my sister in law cleared a room for me in their house. My rent here is half of what I was paying living alone. He helped me get a storage unit to hold all my crap I accumulated over the 4 years I lived alone. He's done a lot... There was a brief period after my attempt where I thought maybe I could get better, but I will always come back to this place. That's what I need everyone to understand... I was never going to make it to 30. I spent so much time pulling away from everyone because I knew I would be leaving. And my failed attempt pulled some people closer and I'm so sorry for that. I won't fail this time and I can't stop it now. It's hard to explain but it's not in my control anymore. No one can help me. It's not anyone's fault. It's not even my fault. Please don't hate me. I love you and I'm so sorry.

 

[ketopia]

There's so much lying I have to do this time around. Sneaking to the mailbox, deleting my history, telling people I'm okay just under the weather. I'm not telling anyone what's going on even though the voice inside me is SCREAMING for help. And I still feel somehow like I'm "just doing this for attention"??? Make that make sense. The trauma of seeking help and hearing that way back in high school has stuck around I guess. How can I be seeking attention when I'm literally lying to everyone I love to keep them out of my depression spiral?? My brain is my biggest enemy.