Leaving tonight (SN)

[Doombox]

All my life I have been dealing with all my problems all alone. When I thought someone could help share that weight, it ended up harming them. My pain and I have always innately been a safety hazard to others.
I do have this site, though, and the people here are exceedingly compassionate. I am glad to have one single place where I can comfortably post about my issues.

I can relate to that feeling of dealing with everything alone, and of being a hazard to others. I think many people can't grasp how exceedingly difficult life can be. But I understand.

 

[ikkii]

April 13th, 2022. Tonight is the night. Currently 12 PM. At around 11 PM I'll come back to this thread - I'll be doing it after midnight. Until then, I'll be preparing. If anyone wants to be there, I'll see you later. Tired as all hell ATM. Insomnia has done a huge number on me.

I hope you find peace and farewell!

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Thinking about my family. I am in immense sadness.
At least I won't be here to witness their grief. I have never been more certain about any other life decision, though. I'll just have to power through until nighttime.

 

[roaming_soul]

Thinking about my family. I am in immense sadness.
At least I won't be here to witness their grief. I have never been more certain about any other life decision, though. I'll just have to power through until nighttime.

when you make decision like this, one sort of has to go through their own grieving process. Big hugs to you right now as you navigate all that you're feeling

 

[DrownFeather]

Thinking about my family. I am in immense sadness.
At least I won't be here to witness their grief. I have never been more certain about any other life decision, though. I'll just have to power through until nighttime.

Sorry for your struggles bro, it's hard decision on you to take but, remember that your family will be happy with the joyful moments you had with them, leave them a sweet note if you want to lower pain after you go.. I'm sorry for you..

 

[Imperia]

I also had sleeping issues once I made the decision to go through with it. I think it is normal, and I believe you are right when you think that your body (and mind) are alarmed.
Maybe a little sleeping pill will help?

After my attempt, I heard from my two best friends that they know my suffering was/is immens and that they had accepted the fact that I was going to ctb one day.
This 'consoles' me for the future: not everyone will have a hard time accepting this (which doesn't mean that they won't be sad of course, but it will not be traumatizing).

 

[24601]

If you want anyone to talk to, I am here.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

After 9 hours I've finished writing goodbye letters to my parents. Just need to get something done and I'll hopefully be able to nap a little before the time comes.

 

[DrownFeather]

After 9 hours I've finished writing goodbye letters to my parents. Just need to get something done and I'll hopefully be able to nap a little before the time comes.

Don't feel fear, don't feel sad, don't feel lonely, feel peace

 

[Julgran]

April 13th, 2022. Tonight is the night. Currently 12 PM. At around 11 PM I'll come back to this thread - I'll be doing it after midnight. Until then, I'll be preparing. If anyone wants to be there, I'll see you later. Tired as all hell ATM. Insomnia has done a huge number on me.

In case you have found the way forwards for you, I fully support you. I will go ahead and assume that you have weighed all your options, so I fully accept your choice, which I also hope that you do - as long as it's the way to move forwards for you.

Good luck!

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this but I can Certainly understand. May you R.I.P. always and forever

 

[houseofleaves]

Don't feel fear, don't feel sad, don't feel lonely, feel peace

this is kinda unachievable i think (sorry)

 

[DrownFeather]

this is kinda unachievable i think (sorry)

Don't be sorry, i understand it, it's hard to feel peaceful again after ages of darkness but giving good vibes are our best option we have

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I might have to postpone slightly. I've been working on these letters all day and haven't had too much time to rest and think for myself. I need at least a little bit of time for that.

 

[Razor67]

I might have to postpone slightly. I've been working on these letters all day and haven't had too much time to rest and think for myself. I need at least a little bit of time for that.

Hi,

This is your last letter to them, so take your time?

Maybe a weird stupid question to ask. Are they hand written or printed ?

Mine will be printed as my handwriting is basically not readable… just have to cover tracks and leave nothing behind for someone maybe trying to stop me.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Hi,

This is your last letter to them, so take your time?

Maybe a weird stupid question to ask. Are they hand written or printed ?

Mine will be printed as my handwriting is basically not readable… just have to cover tracks and leave nothing behind for someone maybe trying to stop me.

Yeah, I wasn't rushing. It's just that I'm doing this at a hotel, and today is the last day of my stay.
My handwriting is bad too, but I hand-wrote them anyway. I want my words to feel more authentic.

 

[AnnonyBox]

My condolensces, we'll miss you here.

 

[Razor67]

Yeah, I wasn't rushing. It's just that I'm doing this at a hotel, and today is the last day of my stay.
My handwriting is bad too, but I hand-wrote them anyway. I want my words to feel more authentic.

Thanks for replying. Take some rest and think if you feel that's needed. It's my first time talking to someone on this level here so I am sorry if I don't pick my words right. I take benzos daily, so let's say my emotions can be very flat I guess. If you want to share something, I will be here. If not, may you Rest In Peace

 

[liafreak]

Wish u a safe journey

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I can't allow myself to sleep more. I'll be starting the stat dose now.
Going to stuff chewing gum down the hotel's card reader that they have on the outside of doors so that staff can't normally get in. This will also effectively lock me inside.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

Good luck friend. I'm also planning to leave tonight.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can't allow myself to sleep more. I'll be starting the stat dose now.
Going to stuff chewing gum down the hotel's card reader that they have on the outside of doors so that staff can't normally get in. This will also effectively lock me inside.

I wish you a safe and peaceful journey.
Sorry life has brought you to this point.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Feeling oddly calm for what I'm setting myself up for. I guess acceptance just goes a long way.

 

[Razor67]

I can't allow myself to sleep more. I'll be starting the stat dose now.
Going to stuff chewing gum down the hotel's card reader that they have on the outside of doors so that staff can't normally get in. This will also effectively lock me inside.

Wish you a calm and peaceful way and released of the pain. My thoughts
Are with you

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Crap. I think I accidentally bought antacids for chewing rather than swallowing. They're almost too big too swallow...
It says they're not designed for swallowing... I guess I'm just going to have to chew through all of these...

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

Man, before you go, would you like to share your story with us, even some bits? I see you're 18 and you're super young. I, we'd like to hear something, just to share.
It's sad to see someone so young leave like that. I don't want to sound peachy, I just feel I could do something. Talk with us if you wish. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, but you're not alone. Life is a bitch, but we're not alone in pain.
Also, I'm a big cat lover (I have around 14 cats at home), I'm glad to see someone who cares about those fluff balls as me:)

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Man, before you go, would you like to share your story with us, even some bits? I see you're 18 and you're super young. I, we'd like to hear something, just to share.
It's sad to see someone so young leave like that. I don't want to sound peachy, I just feel I could do something. Talk with us if you wish. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, but you're not alone. Life is a bitch, but we're not alone in pain.
Also, I'm a big cat lover (I have around 14 cats at home), I'm glad to see someone who cares about those fluff balls as me:)

I'm transgender. 'Nuff said.

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

Did this cause problems in your family?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Did this cause problems in your family?

They're pretty accepting. I just don't feel like I have a place in the world.
Chewing through all these pills is fucking hell... I might just skip the antacid step...

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

Do you maybe feel you're not fit to fight? Because I feel the same, everyday. Thank god the general acceptance for transgender people is changing. Maybe not in the place you are born and live currently, maybe there's still plenty to do and to change. But in any case, somewhere in the world, there's something for you. I'm pretty sure because there's plenty of people who deserve nothing and get it all, and people who should have more and get breadcrumbs. I'm sure you got it. I can't tell you where and when, but it's out there. Maybe there's even more room than you think.
When I thought there was no love waiting for me, I always got surrounded by very nice people in my life, and some of them became my lovers. It didn't last, but I knew love was out there. Life kept being a bitch and my brain kept being just a hurdle, but I knew that some stuff I took for granted was not true.