Leaving tonight (SN)

[Riddle]

They're pretty accepting. I just don't feel like I have a place in the world.
Chewing through all these pills is fucking hell... I might just skip the antacid step...

I think if you give yourself more time, somehow get to 25-26 a whole new world may open up for you. It will be tough to get through it but once you get older I am sure there is a community out there that you will fit into. At 18 is really easy to blow your problems up to a ridiculous size in your head, mot discounting your struggle or pain but I remember what I was like at that age.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I underprepared so badly that I'm dumbfounded at my own stupidity. Not even going to mention why... I need to wrap this attempt up... I feel idiotic

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

It's normal to feel idiotic in this kind of situations. That's because you're pretty lost and you have no idea what's coming next. But there's something ever more difficult to do here: not feeling worthless. You showed your worth in just some messages you posted here. That means something, to you and to us. Don't throw that away

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I've never felt more like a scum of the earth
My body feels so painfully weak after all those pills

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

I've never felt more like a scum of the earth
My body feels so painfully weak after all those pills

I've texted you:)
How do you feel now?

 

[Cathy Ames]

Hey, you can change your mind, you know? Maybe it's not time yet?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

The pain was maddening and gave me diarrhea. I think it was from the antiemetic. Potentially because I bit into the chewing pills slightly to make the process faster... it's slowly going away now I think. I still need to plan a way home when all the trains back are unavailable.

 

[Shu]

The pain was maddening and gave me diarrhea. I think it was from the antiemetic. Potentially because I bit into the chewing pills slightly to make the process faster... it's slowly going away now I think. I still need to plan a way home when all the trains back are unavailable.

What antiemetic did you take? Meto? Are you feeling better now?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

What antiemetic did you take? Meto? Are you feeling better now?

Sorry, I meant antacid. Meto hasn't given me any problems.

 

[Shu]

Sorry, I meant antacid. Meto hasn't given me any problems.

The antacid gave you diarrhea?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

The antacid gave you diarrhea?

I don't know what else could have

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

I don't know what else could have

Don't know about meto, but diarrhea is actually a side effect of motilium (domperidone), especially for people who are having electrolyte disturbances.

 

[unkuto]

Diarrhea could be a result of stress and anxiety. At least I've experienced it by myself in past month.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Hey guys. Even though my whole body felt painfully restless, I managed to get home. I slept for a while afterwards. I feel absolutely horrible, like I'm not supposed to be here. I was supposed to be gone by morning. I feel like a ghost. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm ashamed of screwing up.

Don't know about meto, but diarrhea is actually a side effect of motilium (domperidone), especially for people who are having electrolyte disturbances.

I did try to avoid drinking.. so you reckon I took motilium?
I did ask for maalox at the pharmacy and they didn't have it so they gave me something else.

 

[Doombox]

Hey guys. Even though my whole body felt painfully restless, I managed to get home. I slept for a while afterwards. I feel absolutely horrible, like I'm not supposed to be here. I was supposed to be gone by morning. I feel like a ghost. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm ashamed of screwing up.

I did try to avoid drinking.. so you reckon I took motilium?
I did ask for maalox at the pharmacy and they didn't have it so they gave me something else.

I'm sorry you're having such a miserable time. Do you think screwing up might have been a sort of subconscious SI at work?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I'm sorry you're having such a miserable time. Do you think screwing up might have been a sort of subconscious SI at work?

Partially I think that could be the case. I barely had sufficient time to mentally prepare and was in a very rushed state of mind, so it's possible I still had some unchecked SI. However I think my biggest issue was how exhausted I was because of insomnia, and that ended up causing me to forget to pack/check certain materials that I couldn't do without when the time came. I mainly just need to get better at managing stress and make sure I'm well-rested next time...
I just want to say though, I'm positively floored by how many people have checked into this topic and sent good wishes/given advice. This site really is full of extremely compassionate people and I'm glad to be here.

 

[Doombox]

Partially I think that could be the case. I barely had sufficient time to mentally prepare and was in a very rushed state of mind, so it's possible I still had some unchecked SI. However I think my biggest issue was how exhausted I was because of insomnia, and that ended up causing me to forget to pack/check certain materials that I couldn't do without when the time came. I mainly just need to get better at managing stress and make sure I'm well-rested next time...
I just want to say though, I'm positively floored by how many people have checked into this topic and sent good wishes/given advice. This site really is full of extremely compassionate people and I'm glad to be here.

It's a special place where people are allowed to stand side by side and stare into the void together.

Insomnia is terrible. I have to take trazodone to sleep and some nights that isn't enough.

 

[Cfs@09]

Boa sorte, que dê tudo certo hoje, você não está sozinho.

 

[Kismet]

Thanks for setting this up, it was exactly what I needed and I appreciate it a lot

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Thanks for setting this up, it was exactly what I needed and I appreciate it a lot

I'm not sure I understand?

 

[luke_skywalker]

I'm not sure I understand?

When is ur ctb?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

When is ur ctb?

I failed an attempt yesterday in the early morning. I now know what mistakes to avoid, though. I have a rough new plan hashed out in my head for next time. I just need time to think about things first. I'll probably make a new thread once I'm ready again, this one's a bit of a mess.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I slept for a long while today. My body no longer hurts, but I feel like it reset my brain in a sense, too. I feel really lost and confused, like things I thought were obvious previously aren't as much now. I don't like this kind of feeling.

 

[Doombox]

I slept for a long while today. My body no longer hurts, but I feel like it reset my brain in a sense, too. I feel really lost and confused, like things I thought were obvious previously aren't as much now. I don't like this kind of feeling.

Can you give an example of something you thought was obvious that isn't now?

 

[DPJ187]

I am glad at least some of your pain is gone mate. Just focus on what's happening now rather than anything else. Just calm your mind for a while, eat and sleep. Even when planning we need a break now and then.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Can you give an example of something you thought was obvious that isn't now?

Like how completely ready I was to go. I remember falling asleep to the genuine comfort of thinking of my next attempt, and then I wake up and I feel like a different person. There's holes in my memory. It's confusing to say the least, but at least I have a fresh mind to think about things now I guess. I'm trying my best to make sense of everything.
A lot in this thread's been about me though. How is everyone else doing? I'd be interested to hear.

 

[Doombox]

Like how completely ready I was to go. I remember falling asleep to the genuine comfort of thinking of my next attempt, and then I wake up and I feel like a different person. There's holes in my memory. It's confusing to say the least, but at least I have a fresh mind to think about things now I guess. I'm trying my best to make sense of everything.
A lot in this thread's been about me though. How is everyone else doing? I'd be interested to hear.

It's your thread, so we expect it to be about you. I wonder if the memory holes, etc, are a trauma response. I'm glad you have a fresh mind. I wish everything didn't have to be such a struggle. I have to take anxiety meds (which I am extremely grateful I have) to get through the day. Is anxiety an issue for you?

 

[asdfandqwerty]

It's your thread, so we expect it to be about you. I wonder if the memory holes, etc, are a trauma response. I'm glad you have a fresh mind. I wish everything didn't have to be such a struggle. I have to take anxiety meds (which I am extremely grateful I have) to get through the day. Is anxiety an issue for you?

I know, but so many people that I've never interacted with before have shown interest in my life (or death) that I thought I should show some interest too.
I guess they may be. It is kind of hard to believe that yesterday ever happened. And yeah, I get you.
As for anxiety, I've never been diagnosed so I don't know. I may have lived with it for so long that I just don't recognize it.

 

[24601]

I am doing quite well. Thank you. Hope you will feel better soon too.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Will likely try again within the next few days. This time I'm sure I have everything exactly ready.
I'll have to do it at home, but... it'll have to do.
Still trying to rationalize everything...