Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Its early in the morning been awakr on & off the last few hours. Snacked and yeahhh now awake but still tired. My support worker is supposed to be coming tp my house this aftermoon. Regular Appt. Might use it to empty fridge or smthin.
Otherwise even talking about the suicidality is kinda pointless to me. I feel really guilty about this butttt recent events involving other people have really pushed me... into some head spaces
But im not dying bc of anyone nor do I want to leave with any thoughts or feelings surrounding others. So I am tryna cmear my mind & heart of hurt. Focusing in on my own feelings of life and how... not great I feel. I dunno. I just don't wanna be blaming anyone and im not. Things just happen and with an already tired self they add up ig.
I'm just tired of carrying this. Anyway an acquaintance messaged asking how I'm doing.... I kinda wanna answer truthfully will most likely just throw them off & they'll stop messaging/that is my hope. I do not worry about them calling the police or anything so that isn't a worry. Just the hope is to get everyone to either kno I'm not ok and leave me alone or that im ok and leave me alone.
As long as I can just glide outta existence I don't really care about being alone. It hurts at times. Its why im posting but it's also necessary to carry out any suicide. I cannot handle or stay bc of the impact on others. I mean rn the suicidality has had an imoact and could have a negative one again so by not mentioning it I think im doing everyone a solid. The after of it tho.... I don't like to think about. I'd love to say it isn't my responsibility but... I just.. don't feel like that.
It's just the reality it'll have a negative impact but... that's not any reason to keep me anymore bc my existence for myself is a negative impact.
I still haven't narrowed down my method but I'm hoping to fo that in the next coming days. Some other important life stuff thatttttt I needa do. Would love to not but im trying to minimize stress at this point to really die out seamlessly.
As seamlessly as possible. Ig I hate method planning the most. Not enough options that aren't terrifying and not enough.. choices that are not do gruesome/painless but its been a long time coming with this. Im ready to do something & my preference with that something is ctb soooo ye.
Thats all for now.
Otherwise even talking about the suicidality is kinda pointless to me. I feel really guilty about this butttt recent events involving other people have really pushed me... into some head spaces
But im not dying bc of anyone nor do I want to leave with any thoughts or feelings surrounding others. So I am tryna cmear my mind & heart of hurt. Focusing in on my own feelings of life and how... not great I feel. I dunno. I just don't wanna be blaming anyone and im not. Things just happen and with an already tired self they add up ig.
I'm just tired of carrying this. Anyway an acquaintance messaged asking how I'm doing.... I kinda wanna answer truthfully will most likely just throw them off & they'll stop messaging/that is my hope. I do not worry about them calling the police or anything so that isn't a worry. Just the hope is to get everyone to either kno I'm not ok and leave me alone or that im ok and leave me alone.
As long as I can just glide outta existence I don't really care about being alone. It hurts at times. Its why im posting but it's also necessary to carry out any suicide. I cannot handle or stay bc of the impact on others. I mean rn the suicidality has had an imoact and could have a negative one again so by not mentioning it I think im doing everyone a solid. The after of it tho.... I don't like to think about. I'd love to say it isn't my responsibility but... I just.. don't feel like that.
It's just the reality it'll have a negative impact but... that's not any reason to keep me anymore bc my existence for myself is a negative impact.
I still haven't narrowed down my method but I'm hoping to fo that in the next coming days. Some other important life stuff thatttttt I needa do. Would love to not but im trying to minimize stress at this point to really die out seamlessly.
As seamlessly as possible. Ig I hate method planning the most. Not enough options that aren't terrifying and not enough.. choices that are not do gruesome/painless but its been a long time coming with this. Im ready to do something & my preference with that something is ctb soooo ye.
Thats all for now.
