Venting Leaving for the sake of others.

[scordatura]

I'm in the position again... where I feel I need to get the hell out of everyone's life. I feel I'm so damaging to everyone around me, and I want to leave before I make the people I respect hate me. It's so difficult to change, so hard to break bad habits. I'm sick of people wasting their energy and efforts on me. I'm a complete lost cause.

The absolute dread and doom I feel is unreal. I'm rapid cycling every emotion so quickly, I can't even trust myself to believe anything I think, cause from minute to minute I think and believe something else entirely. I feel I need to be isolated, but I'm isolated anyway... and trying to bond with regular folk when all I think about is death and all the fucked up experiences I have in my head feels impossible. I keep destroying everything that matters to me, all the things I worked so hard to achieve. In an instant I flush it all down the drain.

I want to hurt myself, burn myself, I want other people to hurt me. I want to kill myself, I want someone else to kill me. I just don't know, I crave any other sensation. I feel like I'm starting from scratch over and over and over again. I feel no escape, or way out.

I'm just venting, the things I wish the folk in my life could understand about me.
That's it for now, thanks.

 

[prettyclam]

Interact with normal people is so difficult ughhh. This is a reason I want to ctb too. Normal people can't deal with having someone like us around which sucks because what we most crave is love and care. It's hard gaining that when there's constant negativity in your head. Eventually they'll get tired of dealing with my depression symptoms so I might as well isolate before they start hating me. That's how I see it.

I hope your loved ones find it in them to learn, tolerate, and stick by your side even if you're a "lost cause". I don't think you are if people are still putting energy into you instead of abandoning you altogether. There's hope right there.

 

[58Alice85]

you don't need other people lol just pray to God if you're lonely

 

[scordatura]

Interact with normal people is so difficult ughhh. This is a reason I want to ctb too. Normal people can't deal with having someone like us around which sucks because what we most crave is love and care. It's hard gaining that when there's constant negativity in your head. Eventually they'll get tired of dealing with my depression symptoms so I might as well isolate before they start hating me. That's how I see it.

I hope your loved ones find it in them to learn, tolerate, and stick by your side even if you're a "lost cause". I don't think you are if people are still putting energy into you instead of abandoning you altogether. There's hope right there.

It's nice having someone to relate. But what you said "I don't think you are if people are still putting energy into you instead of abandoning you altogether. There's hope right there." That's probably the most uplifting thing I've heard. So thank you!