Venting Leaving an angry, spiteful final note

[Wrath]

I'm going to leave an angry final note. "ooooooh broooooooo it's bad KARMAAAAAAaaaa" So what? Where's my 'good' karma then? Some might say that it won't matter because I'm dead, but that goes both ways. I can be angry if I want to. I'm justified in that. Some might say that it is because it will leave attachments or something, but sucking up with a smile again and again would be a worse form of attachment, because then I'd be lying to the bitter end, to myself, and to everyone else. A final truthful middle finger where I put it all on the table and fuck off would technically be *less* attachment. It's not my responsibility to forgive. Especially not when it ends like this. The people who did things to me that I now somehow have to "forgive" are the ones that should work on whatever bullshit "karma" this is. "karma" isn't real anyways. If something appears to me in the afterlife and starts talking about 'karma' they are either a guilt tripping demon, or something that I'll tell to fuck off. If heaven is real then I don't want in. I'll sit in limbo forever. Can't go anywhere if I refuse to be "judged".

My life is depressing, sad, and futile. And so I have been too. I want to give myself the right to finally be angry with it.

I even told my dad about my final intentions to ctb and why, though I didn't tell him stuff about himself, mainly just my mental problems. He ended up hugging me as I sat on the kitchen floor and cried really hard. Sounds like he cares right? Nope. "You have to stay alive for me" "Without you I have nothing" blah blah blah. I'm being extremely callous, but he was never caring when it really mattered. When he hugged me, all I could remember is every time he beat the shit out of me and screamed over homework. And all the other times where I can't remember the reason why I was mistreated. And all the times where he ignored me and didn't help when I was asking to see a therapist when I was 14. Too late now old man. I don't want to forgive him. He only stopped treating me like shit when my little brother hung himself at the start of the year. I don't know how long my dad will be like this though. Maybe he'll go back to his old ways all over again. I don't know. I don't want to find out.

Just now I remembered that time I had a mental breakdown a year before this and told him why it was logical to kill myself. He didn't take it seriously back then though, but what I found funny is that he went around in circles, never telling me anything that I could look forward to or any reason to live and just, "find god". Thanks kanye.

I'm reading this post after writing it and I see how much of an asshole I come across as. I know. But explaining what my parents did to me is harder than explaining how I feel about it. I'm mad. I'm dying mad.

 

[Forveleth]

Same boat here. Leaving a note for my partner and parents that basically says "This happened because of you." These people are the closest to us, which means they should be our biggest supporters. It is a particularly cruel pain when they are not. I have no problem letting them know the full consequences of their actions.

I am sorry you have gotten to this point. I wish things could have gone better for us.

 

[fkyou]

To each their own circumstances..you may read something here about how leaving a spiteful note is bad..but it's a subjective experience..I left an angry note too

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm not judging... you do what you want... but whenever I think about leaving a note, whether spiteful or kind, I always ask myself...

What am I trying to accomplish with the note?

I'll be dead. I'll never know what the result was... did it piss off the person I wanted to piss off? did the person I hope feels guilt, actually feel guilty? was the person I wanted to comfort, actually comforted? I'll never know.

I always recommend... tell people how you feel now, while you are both here. If you want to hurt them or guilt them, do it now... see the reaction if there is one. Whatever you think you want to get from whatever note you would leave... get that reaction now, while you're here to see it. Then try to go in as much a state of peace as you can and don't worry about what people think or do or say once you are gone.

 

[[Lord Void]]

Sure you might not be around to see the results of your final words, but knowing they're out there might still bring some comfort

 

[Wrath]

I'll think I won't leave my 'whys' in full detail, because when I explained it to my dad in person in detail, he just kept running around in logical circles. If I can't make him see why in person, then I'll have to give up on a note explaining exactly why. I'm just going to leave a heavily simplified version of "my life sucks". And that'll be it. My relationship with my dad isn't that great at all. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[nuggetfinder]

I completely get it. I'm also planning a spiteful note to my father. He's done nothing but cause trauma (directly or indirectly) and he genuinely only cares for himself. He'd buy liquor over food for me any day. I only told him about my ctb thoughts once and he yelled at me; saying that id go to hell. If writing a spiteful note to terrible people makes us assholes then so be it. (I do not think it makes us assholes though, i think it's simply the truth. I think it's deserved.)

 

[Scenegirlshooter]

I plan on leaving multiple notes but yeah same here

 

[Forever Sleep]

You don't sound like an arsehole. You sound like someone who has put up with a history of abuse and, you've finally had enough.

I suppose, in leaving such a note, you won't get to see the reaction but then, maybe it's enough to just have gotten it out.

I'm reaching a watered down version of the same, in a way. I'd describe a portion of my childhood as abusive. Not directly from parents but, they effectively enabled it. I also feel close to just snapping and blurting the whole lot out. I suppose there is this feeling that, even if we're dead- we want our experiences to finally be acknowledged. Is that really so wrong?

Maybe it isn't useful. It's not like they can go back in time and change it. It's not like they'll get the chance to repeat or not make those same mistakes. Perhaps it's cruel to make them feel guilt on top of grief.

In some ways though, I think it's fighting back against the whole: 'How could you have done this to me?' As in- suicided and left them. The answer being that in some way- they contributed to the outcome. So, maybe it's deflecting blame also- from us. To some extent- we are what they made us to be. You reap what you sow.

 

[Off_Switch]

Honestly, I think the best way to spite is to leave no note at all. It will make them feel like they never really mattered and it will also force them to think of what they may have done.