Im tired of being ugly and alone. Everyday is a reminder Ill never be normal, everyday I feel pain in my chest that I cant seem to be relieved of for long.
Right now Im on vacation in a country I always wanted to visit and even here I cant escape these feelings. Im surrounded by happy, beautiful people everday while Im miserable, hideous, and alone. Its something people cant understand unless they're in my shoes, It's one of those things you cant envision unless you strugglr with these feelings of inferiority steeped in reality. My heart hurts right now and everyday, even here, Ive been praying for relief in the form of a blissful death. I dont know if It's comforting, but everytime I feel that dull pain in my chest I like to visualize being able to down some N and finally just lie down peacefully.
Yet even my fantasies of death cant be attained the way I want. Trapped here without my dreams in life able to be realized, but also unable to realize my dreams of death. It's so unfair and sadistic.
And if Im feeling this on vacation In the closest thing to a utopia to me, I really dont want to go back to feeling this when I have to get up everyday for work toiling away endlessly for nothing.
I hope that when I get home I can get my hands on my preferred ctb method. I think Id like to ctb sooner than I previously planned.
Its all become too much for me. Its sad that I work my ass off everyday when it seems my money cant even purchase a bus ticket out of here. What am I even doing here? This is what I imagine hell to be.
Right now Im on vacation in a country I always wanted to visit and even here I cant escape these feelings. Im surrounded by happy, beautiful people everday while Im miserable, hideous, and alone. Its something people cant understand unless they're in my shoes, It's one of those things you cant envision unless you strugglr with these feelings of inferiority steeped in reality. My heart hurts right now and everyday, even here, Ive been praying for relief in the form of a blissful death. I dont know if It's comforting, but everytime I feel that dull pain in my chest I like to visualize being able to down some N and finally just lie down peacefully.
Yet even my fantasies of death cant be attained the way I want. Trapped here without my dreams in life able to be realized, but also unable to realize my dreams of death. It's so unfair and sadistic.
And if Im feeling this on vacation In the closest thing to a utopia to me, I really dont want to go back to feeling this when I have to get up everyday for work toiling away endlessly for nothing.
I hope that when I get home I can get my hands on my preferred ctb method. I think Id like to ctb sooner than I previously planned.
Its all become too much for me. Its sad that I work my ass off everyday when it seems my money cant even purchase a bus ticket out of here. What am I even doing here? This is what I imagine hell to be.
