Last night I'm gonna try or else I get help tomorrow

[swanchild]

I contacted a nurse I trust and arranged a talk for tomorrow morning. Unfortunately I've had really really bad experiences with the mental health system and I'm petrified of being hospitalized again. I've literally been mocked, et cetera.

But tonight I have a plan which I'm going to attempt to see through. I have notes written to everyone I love. And I keep obsessing over this particular way to go so there must be something to it. I don't want to trigger people by saying what my plan is.

I've talked with friends and family about my recent overdose, and the nurse I trust also, but like, I just feel like it doesn't change anything. Sometimes I feel like the only way I could be loved or understood is if I died, but I won't even be here to feel the love. Yet my life circumstances are overwhelming and decimating.

Unfortunately I'm pretty tired tonight so it's gonna be a challenge to not fall asleep before doing anything-- and if I DON'T do anything, I'm gonna have to have this honest, raw conversation tomorrow which will probably get me hospitalized again. I just finished 35 days and a 5 week outpatient program. I'm scared.

And I'm scared if I open up no one will love me or care about me. I hate being vulnerable.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. Feel free to chat with me here as I have a few hours to go.

I know the motif here is to not dissuade others from suicide and I know I'm being hypocritical, but it would crush me if any of you felt the way I do and chose to take action. I don't want that for any of you but I understand the desperation. All I'm saying is if you can talk to someone you trust, if there's one person you trust at all, please talk to them. You don't deserve to suffer

 

[swanchild]

I guess I'm getting help

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm sorry things went wrong, but I'm glad to hear you're trying getting help again. I completely understand why you're wary of hospitals/doctors, it's awful how they can let people down. Are you able to request a new doctor if you have any doubts about them? I can where I live, idk if it's like that for everyone.

 

[swanchild]

I'm sorry things went wrong, but I'm glad to hear you're trying getting help again. I completely understand why you're wary of hospitals/doctors, it's awful how they can let people down. Are you able to request a new doctor if you have any doubts about them? I can where I live, idk if it's like that for everyone.

They're encouraging me to stick this doctor out so I think I will. I can handle criticism. But when I talked to the nurse she did promise me she wouldn't hospitalize me
My conversation with the nurse went a lot better than expected, but I didn't tell her the full extent of my suicidality except that I've been abusing benzos when I'm depressed. I probably should have told her the full story but we do have an appointment coming up and she's requested an urgent visit with my psychiatrist.