• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

swanchild

swanchild

the little mermaid
Jul 28, 2024
57
I contacted a nurse I trust and arranged a talk for tomorrow morning. Unfortunately I've had really really bad experiences with the mental health system and I'm petrified of being hospitalized again. I've literally been mocked, et cetera.

But tonight I have a plan which I'm going to attempt to see through. I have notes written to everyone I love. And I keep obsessing over this particular way to go so there must be something to it. I don't want to trigger people by saying what my plan is.

I've talked with friends and family about my recent overdose, and the nurse I trust also, but like, I just feel like it doesn't change anything. Sometimes I feel like the only way I could be loved or understood is if I died, but I won't even be here to feel the love. Yet my life circumstances are overwhelming and decimating.

Unfortunately I'm pretty tired tonight so it's gonna be a challenge to not fall asleep before doing anything-- and if I DON'T do anything, I'm gonna have to have this honest, raw conversation tomorrow which will probably get me hospitalized again. I just finished 35 days and a 5 week outpatient program. I'm scared.

And I'm scared if I open up no one will love me or care about me. I hate being vulnerable.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. Feel free to chat with me here as I have a few hours to go.

I know the motif here is to not dissuade others from suicide and I know I'm being hypocritical, but it would crush me if any of you felt the way I do and chose to take action. I don't want that for any of you but I understand the desperation. All I'm saying is if you can talk to someone you trust, if there's one person you trust at all, please talk to them. You don't deserve to suffer
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: @Benadryl, Kusogaki, LifeQuitter and 4 others
swanchild

swanchild

the little mermaid
Jul 28, 2024
57
I guess I'm getting help
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: @Benadryl, Kusogaki, baller and 3 others
fleetingnight

fleetingnight

incapable of shutting up
May 2, 2024
664
I'm sorry things went wrong, but I'm glad to hear you're trying getting help again. I completely understand why you're wary of hospitals/doctors, it's awful how they can let people down. Are you able to request a new doctor if you have any doubts about them? I can where I live, idk if it's like that for everyone.
 
  • Like
Reactions: @Benadryl and swanchild
swanchild

swanchild

the little mermaid
Jul 28, 2024
57
I'm sorry things went wrong, but I'm glad to hear you're trying getting help again. I completely understand why you're wary of hospitals/doctors, it's awful how they can let people down. Are you able to request a new doctor if you have any doubts about them? I can where I live, idk if it's like that for everyone.
They're encouraging me to stick this doctor out so I think I will. I can handle criticism. But when I talked to the nurse she did promise me she wouldn't hospitalize me
My conversation with the nurse went a lot better than expected, but I didn't tell her the full extent of my suicidality except that I've been abusing benzos when I'm depressed. I probably should have told her the full story but we do have an appointment coming up and she's requested an urgent visit with my psychiatrist.
 
  • Like
Reactions: @Benadryl and Kusogaki

Similar threads

DTA
Replies
19
Views
927
Suicide Discussion
Wolf Girl
Wolf Girl
SomewhereAlongThe
Replies
0
Views
182
Suicide Discussion
SomewhereAlongThe
SomewhereAlongThe
elpurp
Replies
2
Views
337
Suicide Discussion
bia ♡
bia ♡
monetpompo
Replies
18
Views
1K
Suicide Discussion
henryM4
henryM4
M
Replies
9
Views
476
Suicide Discussion
Mayfly
M