This is my first, and if things goes the way I planned it to, it would also be my last. Live has been an uphill battle for me, raised in a dysfunctional family, grew up as a fearful hermit, and having the things that I love taken from me time and time again. I made my peace with my past, and at one point I found the light in the end of the tunnel. At one point, I moved out and lived with family members who actually cherishes me. At one point, I actually got accepted into an academically renowned University in my country. At one point, I have friends who are my found family. At one point, I have a lover who means the world to me. Life was good, and I thought to myself that "I made it out". But then again, sadly that's not the end of the story now as I am writing this all down.
One day my partner told me how he fell out of love with me. It hurts. I may not express it well in the words I am writing, but it's been months and my whole world collapses into another war in my mind. My friend group that I loved so much starts to drift apart at the same time. At the same time, academic life is getting very very draining. Then I realise, I'm back in the tunnel again. This time, it's even darker and longer than before. I look back and I realised, I don't deserve any of this. My whole life, I tried my best to always be a nice person. I was the therapist friend, the mom-figure friend, the wise friend, the one who always "saves" other people. Sadly, no one saves me. Despite it all, I stayed soft. I thought to myself, what sin had I done for me to deserve all of this? That is when I realise, is there any way of winning in this battle called life? What am I even fighting for right now? All my reasons to fight, all my motivation to conquer every problem, they're all gone. I was a fighter in my own life and I was hopeful that everything will lead up to a beautiful, bigger conclusion. But now I'm falling in a never-ending endless pit. When I thought I reached the bottom of the pit, I reached an even lower bottom than before. I think I am too far gone and no rope is long enough for me to grab on.
In conclusion, I decided that maybe this is it. Maybe this is my sign to finally back down. If I can't rest in life, may death be kinder than mankind and hold me the way mothers hold their babies. My meeting with the grim reaper will not be today, as my materials are still being shipped to me. But the knowing that it is appointed feels calming. The knowing that it will all end soon. All this pain and sadness and anger, it will all go away. The knowing that I will be able to live in my dreams forever. I can live the last of my days in peace knowing my deadline is soon, and I suppose I always work better when a deadline is near. I am not afraid of hell, because deep down I know if God and the devil exists, even they would know I didn't deserve to go through all that. I had a big heart, and I suppose my big heart is the reason why I feel too much. But I have nothing to worry about now because it will all end soon. I am glad.
Maybe someway somehow I will be saved. Someway somehow things can flip within an instant. Even when I think I am too far gone, I can't help but to still cling to that little bits of hope. But if it doesn't, at least now I know that my pain will all soon end. There are only two possible conclusion of this life chapter : one being death and the other is when I am finally saved by something or someone. Either way, both is good so I will take whichever conclusion.
This is the last words of a shooting star. and if I never post in this forum ever again, just know that I am either forever living in my dreams or that I finally have the things that I seek in the real world. Goodbye everyone and if you see this, may you find the peace you always seek for no matter what form it took.
One day my partner told me how he fell out of love with me. It hurts. I may not express it well in the words I am writing, but it's been months and my whole world collapses into another war in my mind. My friend group that I loved so much starts to drift apart at the same time. At the same time, academic life is getting very very draining. Then I realise, I'm back in the tunnel again. This time, it's even darker and longer than before. I look back and I realised, I don't deserve any of this. My whole life, I tried my best to always be a nice person. I was the therapist friend, the mom-figure friend, the wise friend, the one who always "saves" other people. Sadly, no one saves me. Despite it all, I stayed soft. I thought to myself, what sin had I done for me to deserve all of this? That is when I realise, is there any way of winning in this battle called life? What am I even fighting for right now? All my reasons to fight, all my motivation to conquer every problem, they're all gone. I was a fighter in my own life and I was hopeful that everything will lead up to a beautiful, bigger conclusion. But now I'm falling in a never-ending endless pit. When I thought I reached the bottom of the pit, I reached an even lower bottom than before. I think I am too far gone and no rope is long enough for me to grab on.
In conclusion, I decided that maybe this is it. Maybe this is my sign to finally back down. If I can't rest in life, may death be kinder than mankind and hold me the way mothers hold their babies. My meeting with the grim reaper will not be today, as my materials are still being shipped to me. But the knowing that it is appointed feels calming. The knowing that it will all end soon. All this pain and sadness and anger, it will all go away. The knowing that I will be able to live in my dreams forever. I can live the last of my days in peace knowing my deadline is soon, and I suppose I always work better when a deadline is near. I am not afraid of hell, because deep down I know if God and the devil exists, even they would know I didn't deserve to go through all that. I had a big heart, and I suppose my big heart is the reason why I feel too much. But I have nothing to worry about now because it will all end soon. I am glad.
Maybe someway somehow I will be saved. Someway somehow things can flip within an instant. Even when I think I am too far gone, I can't help but to still cling to that little bits of hope. But if it doesn't, at least now I know that my pain will all soon end. There are only two possible conclusion of this life chapter : one being death and the other is when I am finally saved by something or someone. Either way, both is good so I will take whichever conclusion.
This is the last words of a shooting star. and if I never post in this forum ever again, just know that I am either forever living in my dreams or that I finally have the things that I seek in the real world. Goodbye everyone and if you see this, may you find the peace you always seek for no matter what form it took.
