Last day(s)

[Conker]

do you guys also have second thoughts about going through with it? or is it just me?

I wish I did, because that would then mean I finally found real hope that isn't blind.

 

[pua]

yep

Im on my last day hopefully. fingers cross. I know Ive been a drunk angry asshole on this forum lately but im just interested. anyone living their last days? what do you do with your time? I cleaned my apartment and set everything up. now im just playing video games and being drunk. I still have to shave and bring out the garbage. what do you do?

I'm (hopefully) living my last days too. I take out some garbage (there is still a lot to), eating up all the food I have, burned photo albums, deleting all my accounts and emails in the web. Now I'm almost 24/7 on this forum, drinking, sometimes playing some games and awaiting for a few things to finally finish this all.

Same Here. Cleaning and playing Video Games. Nothing Special to do. I think i have done enuff Special Shit in my life. I'm just trying to have a few calm days and Pass away.

Sorry fror Bad English

Apart from above mentioned sleeping a lot, lying in bathtub and watching porn.

hopefully this will be my last week. apart from cleaning my computer, erasing social media and emails, i mostly spend my time reading manga and listening to my favorite albums.

i will write the letter on the day before and all that's left is finding a place to cbt, since the first option blew up.

i don't want to do anything that can possibly remind me of the past and dissuade me from cbt. but i intent to eat tons of bacon and pasta before I go.


since we are all on the same boat, how are you guys feeling? i guess I am somewhat scared, but the thought of catching the bus soon soothes me.

im a little scared but also relieved at the same time sad aswell.
thank you anyone replying to this it really means alot to me!

Same here, friends... I will not see the next Monday.
I just need to empty what's left in my apartment (furniture, food...), delete my last accounts / emails, and chose a new place to CTB because of an unexpected event.
I'm currently spending my last days eating, sleeping and playing video games...
It feels weird.

I am not eating at all because I think that the less I eat the weaker my body will be = lower probability of survival. But my method is gun so it almost doesnt matter.

This week seems my last. I've been erasing some things from my phone and other devices. I already put most of my clothes into order. I will clean myself and also some rooms. I plan to visit a nearby church or the cathedral my father was buried. And as usual listening to music, using internet, sleeping and talking to myself.

I'm also feeling mixed emotions (happy, sad, relief, terror).

my only attemp was impulsive in the past. And i was angry,sad,dissapointed,hopeless and feel unbearable pain before ctb ,i wanted to die as soon as possible. But you seem so calm. i am curious about how you feel hopeless,sad,peaceful etc...?

 

[DontGiveAshiit]

Im still not there yet, might be there in a few months if things will go worse. But for me, and I advice to you guys too, I dont want to 'burn bridges' when Im about to do that, I want to be at a point where Im ok with myself, and my life is still in place and everything is put together. I dont want to do something like spend all my money, getting debt, ruin relationships (if still any...), let my health go or anything. Because first, of course there is always a chance the attempt will fail, and second this way you dont really feel compelled to do it, you go in your own terms, after you rationally thought about that and decided that your future isnt worth it.
These are my thoughts anyway

 

[death137]

my only attemp was impulsive in the past. And i was angry,sad,dissapointed,hopeless and feel unbearable pain before ctb ,i wanted to die as soon as possible. But you seem so calm. i am curious about how you feel hopeless,sad,peaceful etc...?

I may seem very calm but I'm desperate. All my past attempts happened when I felt desperate. I feel mixed emotions like I previously said. Currently I'm calm and I feel happy, relief but yesterday was a little different. I'm sure on my departure day I will feel all kinds of emotions especially terror.

 

[ecmnesia]

I dont have a choice at this point really. i didnt pay rent or anything and i running outta money for food. i put myself in this situation on purpose otherwise i woudnt be able to go throught with it...

Not just u ahahaha. I'm a bit of a coward u see ^^;

Well, yeah. And it can even happen, but I already went through some points of no return, so I don't think I can just cancel that.

that will probably sound insensitive but i wish I had no return points such as you guys. although I am pretty sure that this is also hard on you, it kinds of force you to cbt ready or not.

although many say that this is not ideal, I've set my mind on not backing up once I start the regimen, no matter what. I know myself and tho i don't want to live, and that's for sure, i might chicken out. I can't have it, don't want to keep going over and over the same cycle endlessly.

I'm not sure that's SI, but now that the time is almost here (if nothing goes wrong my departure is set for Saturday) things are weird. I have depression, and haven't seen the beauty on stuff for quite a long time, i lost interest in pretty much everything, and just now, coincidentally when everything is ready i suddenly can enjoyed the breeze, admire the stars, and so on. things i completely forgot about now once again looks pretty and desirable, but i think that's just some form of SI, not something permanent. it's like a voice telling me that i actually love those things and that I will miss them if I go. and for a while, months ago, the thought of it was enough to stop me, but not anymore. after all, those are nothing but fragile things.

my only attemp was impulsive in the past. And i was angry,sad,dissapointed,hopeless and feel unbearable pain before ctb ,i wanted to die as soon as possible. But you seem so calm. i am curious about how you feel hopeless,sad,peaceful etc...?

as weird as it might be i don't feel angry, nor sad, or in pain, or even hopeless. it's not of much use, but it is as if I feel nothing, and at the same time I feel everything. a mix between apathy and being extremely emotional.

 

[Hollydeathripper]

I dont have a choice at this point really. i didnt pay rent or anything and i running outta money for food. i put myself in this situation on purpose otherwise i woudnt be able to go throught with it...

why are you letting go? Just wondering we put ourselves in to it we can get out of it life is hard when no one supports any thoughts they just make you feel invisible but are we?

 

[ecmnesia]

I wish I did, because that would then mean I finally found real hope that isn't blind.

isn't that a form of hope? (wishing you had hope, i mean)

 

[LastWhisper]

I'm not sure that's SI, but now that the time is almost here (if nothing goes wrong my departure is set for Saturday) things are weird. I have depression, and haven't seen the beauty on stuff for quite a long time, i lost interest in pretty much everything, and just now, coincidentally when everything is ready i suddenly can enjoyed the breeze, admire the stars, and so on. things i completely forgot about now once again looks pretty and desirable, but i think that's just some form of SI, not something permanent. it's like a voice telling me that i actually love those things and that I will miss them if I go. and for a while, months ago, the thought of it was enough to stop me, but not anymore. after all, those are nothing but fragile things.

Yeah, I think it's a part of SI or something related to it, too. I feel the same, but I know for sure, if I'm stop now because of that, after short amount of time it will get boring again and make me feel even worse. It's a false hope for a good life imho.

 

[BLUE1970]

I'm just going through the motions, work, paying off mortgage super quick, eat, sleep and putting on a mask of being alive everyday so as not raise suspicion, but most importantly ensuring that my children are set up for life when I take the plunge off BH. I know they will feel immense pain, they will be heartbroken, and I want to ensure that they at least have a home purchased outright and money in the bank so they can work through their grief without additional worries. Words cannot explain the emotions I feel that I will be putting my children through this, I have held on for so very long but I now need to let go.

 

[chrisbate7]

I'm just going through the motions, work, paying off mortgage super quick, eat, sleep and putting on a mask of being alive everyday so as not raise suspicion, but most importantly ensuring that my children are set up for life when I take the plunge off BH. I know they will feel immense pain, they will be heartbroken, and I want to ensure that they at least have a home purchased outright and money in the bank so they can work through their grief without additional worries. Words cannot explain the emotions I feel that I will be putting my children through this, I have held on for so very long but I now need to let go.

You are such a good person for wanting to set your kids up before you pass. I'm similar to you in wanting my family to be well tended for after I'm gone. Peace to you and your kids

 

[BLUE1970]

You are such a good person for wanting to set your kids up before you pass. I'm similar to you in wanting my family to be well tended for after I'm gone. Peace to you and your kids

Thank you, and I wish you and yours peace too. It is a very difficult situation to be in for all.

 

[TripleA]

Im on my last day hopefully. fingers cross. I know Ive been a drunk angry asshole on this forum lately but im just interested. anyone living their last days? what do you do with your time? I cleaned my apartment and set everything up. now im just playing video games and being drunk. I still have to shave and bring out the garbage. what do you do?

Method?

 

[Conker]

isn't that a form of hope? (wishing you had hope, i mean)

Yeah, although the only hope that matters to me is one that isn't blind. The only type of hope that can get me to change my mind.