I'm so beyond done with everything. 34 years on this planet and the only thing I'm looking forward to is my next paycheck so I can order SN at this point.
I will be honest, I've put every amount of effort I can into this existence and there has been some good and some bad but everything I've been through has just killed me inside, a slow emotional death if you will.
I used to believe that things would get better but at this point I realize that just isn't going to happen and I'm tired of lying to myself.
I failed a 6 year relationship and a 7 year marriage due to being overly aloof and content with a simple life and didn't even notice that anything was wrong until it was too late.
Yes, I am a good looking guy, probably a solid 7/10 but I was just far too happy doing too little. I worked, kept the house up, never was unfaithful, was a good listener (but not good enough apparently) and when I married my ex-wife I meant it when I said "I do" and envisioned growing old with her.
When she left to "find herself" and found another man it was basically the nail in the coffin for me, we tried to work things out after her fling failed and he cheated on her but at that point she gave me an ultimatum where I had ONE chance and I blew it when her friend and I got into a fight after he confronted me for not being good enough.
Yeah, I'm not rich by any means whatsoever but I don't get why I need to make a lot of money to be "good enough".
We got a divorce and I've tried dating since this past year but every relationship has failed on the first date because I'm just so apathetic that I'm incapable of even talking to people anymore without going full-on nihilist.
I lack any sort of happiness and I honestly can't even feel sadness anymore either. I'm just the walking dead and even though I try to remember what it was like to be alive I just can't fathom it anymore.
It's as if my "soul" left years ago and whatever is left is nothing but an empty shell. I want nothing more than to experience true nothingness. I have memories of being happy and knowing that I will never feel them again is akin to being a horse and having a carrot dangled in front of me while I exist but never getting it.
I know it's "wrong" to say this by societal standards but the only thing that even brings me any form of happiness is knowing that there is an end. Most people, when asked what they desire most is eternal life but to me that sounds like the worst form of torture imaginable.
I know that my kidneys are likely failing due to many years of heavy drinking (I'm now sober as drinking does nothing for me) so that brings me some comfort as I don't go to any doctor in fear of saying the wrong things and being institutionalized and this being rendered incapable of CTB on my own terms.
But I just wish I could flip a switch and end it now. Yeah, I could slash my wrists and neck but I want my ending to be in the same vein as my life. A slow death where I just fade away until there is nothing left.
I'm actually crying tears of joy just imagining it, witnessing everything from the good to the bad and everything in-between while the curtain closes on the story of my life.
I'm tempted to just record a multi-hour audiobook the day I receive my poison in a week or two while smoking my favorite brand of cigarettes and posting it online prior to a video showcasing my timely end
Just include the majority of the events that shaped me into the person I was and how I felt at the time and afterwards.
Just include everything honestly, even the bad and not omitting anything. The funny thing is, I can honestly say that I've never really been a bad person and can count the skeletons in my closet on one hand and yet here we are.
I'm 34 and alone and pretty soon my aging parents won't be around either, I can say that I have loved everything they have done for me with no reservations and I would be putting it lightly.
My parents know that I'm miserable and I know that it kills them inside because there is only so much they can do about it. I've told them I no longer want to be alive on multiple occasions over the past decade and after putting forth effort after effort they've come to terms with the fact that I'll likely be dead before they are. They don't enjoy knowing this but that's just how it's going to be.
Because life isn't meant for people like me who wore their heart on their sleeve and gave everything to others until there was nothing left to give. Eventually you reach a point of no return and no amount of therapy or medications even have an effect.
You can't "fix" a person who has been completely destroyed to the point that they forgot who they even are. Yes, they have memories but they don't feel like my own anymore because they aren't. The old me died years ago and I've came to terms with that.
Yeah, I am good at talking and have been through a lot in my life despite only being 34 but I feel death creeping closer and closer everyday and it fills me with so much joy that if the entity is real I'd likely cry tears of joy if it appeared, embrace it, and take its hand on the journey to oblivion.
Yeah, I'd have some reservations about leaving the handful of people I care about behind but I believe they'd be happy for me after the mourning process because they've known what I once was and who I am now.
I'm honestly feeling joy right now and my pillow is soaked in tears because I know that the end of my story is such a relatively short time away, I only have a month to go at the latest and I will finally be free and able to feel true peace for the first time in many years.
It's just a good feeling knowing that the human condition as it pertains to me can be cured in such a short time.
Yeah, I would have loved to have met a woman who was going through what I have been going through, get married and just be there through thick and thin and sharing how we feel together but after dating over 30+ women in my life I've came to the conclusion that love was never in the cards for me and I'm okay with that.
Love is sadly conditional whether we believe it to be such or not it seems, there is always some eventual ultimatum, then a harsher one, etc that arises given enough time and then after you inevitably fail once you have a single card left in the deck your left worse off than before.
I'm not religious but if there is some "God" or "God(s), aliens, entities, etc that program us they seem to employ a sadistic sense of humor and have a particular fondness for melancholy in reference to their handiwork.
And don't worry, if I do meet them in some form or another I'll be certain to call them out for all of us, not like it matters to egomaniacal beings of course but I digress.
So I guess you can say I lost the will to live but in losing such I've gained the will to die and shed my humanity and all such entails for whatever comes next (if anything).
I'd prefer nothingness though, I know that may be selfish but the eternal peace of not existing sounds to good to be true yet I sure hope such is the case.
I apologize for the long post, I just felt the need to express the joy I feel when it comes to finally being on the final chapter of my life. It's been a long road and I can honestly say that I'm more excited for attaining SN than I've been for anything else in my life up to this point.
I will be honest, I've put every amount of effort I can into this existence and there has been some good and some bad but everything I've been through has just killed me inside, a slow emotional death if you will.
I used to believe that things would get better but at this point I realize that just isn't going to happen and I'm tired of lying to myself.
I failed a 6 year relationship and a 7 year marriage due to being overly aloof and content with a simple life and didn't even notice that anything was wrong until it was too late.
Yes, I am a good looking guy, probably a solid 7/10 but I was just far too happy doing too little. I worked, kept the house up, never was unfaithful, was a good listener (but not good enough apparently) and when I married my ex-wife I meant it when I said "I do" and envisioned growing old with her.
When she left to "find herself" and found another man it was basically the nail in the coffin for me, we tried to work things out after her fling failed and he cheated on her but at that point she gave me an ultimatum where I had ONE chance and I blew it when her friend and I got into a fight after he confronted me for not being good enough.
Yeah, I'm not rich by any means whatsoever but I don't get why I need to make a lot of money to be "good enough".
We got a divorce and I've tried dating since this past year but every relationship has failed on the first date because I'm just so apathetic that I'm incapable of even talking to people anymore without going full-on nihilist.
I lack any sort of happiness and I honestly can't even feel sadness anymore either. I'm just the walking dead and even though I try to remember what it was like to be alive I just can't fathom it anymore.
It's as if my "soul" left years ago and whatever is left is nothing but an empty shell. I want nothing more than to experience true nothingness. I have memories of being happy and knowing that I will never feel them again is akin to being a horse and having a carrot dangled in front of me while I exist but never getting it.
I know it's "wrong" to say this by societal standards but the only thing that even brings me any form of happiness is knowing that there is an end. Most people, when asked what they desire most is eternal life but to me that sounds like the worst form of torture imaginable.
I know that my kidneys are likely failing due to many years of heavy drinking (I'm now sober as drinking does nothing for me) so that brings me some comfort as I don't go to any doctor in fear of saying the wrong things and being institutionalized and this being rendered incapable of CTB on my own terms.
But I just wish I could flip a switch and end it now. Yeah, I could slash my wrists and neck but I want my ending to be in the same vein as my life. A slow death where I just fade away until there is nothing left.
I'm actually crying tears of joy just imagining it, witnessing everything from the good to the bad and everything in-between while the curtain closes on the story of my life.
I'm tempted to just record a multi-hour audiobook the day I receive my poison in a week or two while smoking my favorite brand of cigarettes and posting it online prior to a video showcasing my timely end
Just include the majority of the events that shaped me into the person I was and how I felt at the time and afterwards.
Just include everything honestly, even the bad and not omitting anything. The funny thing is, I can honestly say that I've never really been a bad person and can count the skeletons in my closet on one hand and yet here we are.
I'm 34 and alone and pretty soon my aging parents won't be around either, I can say that I have loved everything they have done for me with no reservations and I would be putting it lightly.
My parents know that I'm miserable and I know that it kills them inside because there is only so much they can do about it. I've told them I no longer want to be alive on multiple occasions over the past decade and after putting forth effort after effort they've come to terms with the fact that I'll likely be dead before they are. They don't enjoy knowing this but that's just how it's going to be.
Because life isn't meant for people like me who wore their heart on their sleeve and gave everything to others until there was nothing left to give. Eventually you reach a point of no return and no amount of therapy or medications even have an effect.
You can't "fix" a person who has been completely destroyed to the point that they forgot who they even are. Yes, they have memories but they don't feel like my own anymore because they aren't. The old me died years ago and I've came to terms with that.
Yeah, I am good at talking and have been through a lot in my life despite only being 34 but I feel death creeping closer and closer everyday and it fills me with so much joy that if the entity is real I'd likely cry tears of joy if it appeared, embrace it, and take its hand on the journey to oblivion.
Yeah, I'd have some reservations about leaving the handful of people I care about behind but I believe they'd be happy for me after the mourning process because they've known what I once was and who I am now.
I'm honestly feeling joy right now and my pillow is soaked in tears because I know that the end of my story is such a relatively short time away, I only have a month to go at the latest and I will finally be free and able to feel true peace for the first time in many years.
It's just a good feeling knowing that the human condition as it pertains to me can be cured in such a short time.
Yeah, I would have loved to have met a woman who was going through what I have been going through, get married and just be there through thick and thin and sharing how we feel together but after dating over 30+ women in my life I've came to the conclusion that love was never in the cards for me and I'm okay with that.
Love is sadly conditional whether we believe it to be such or not it seems, there is always some eventual ultimatum, then a harsher one, etc that arises given enough time and then after you inevitably fail once you have a single card left in the deck your left worse off than before.
I'm not religious but if there is some "God" or "God(s), aliens, entities, etc that program us they seem to employ a sadistic sense of humor and have a particular fondness for melancholy in reference to their handiwork.
And don't worry, if I do meet them in some form or another I'll be certain to call them out for all of us, not like it matters to egomaniacal beings of course but I digress.
So I guess you can say I lost the will to live but in losing such I've gained the will to die and shed my humanity and all such entails for whatever comes next (if anything).
I'd prefer nothingness though, I know that may be selfish but the eternal peace of not existing sounds to good to be true yet I sure hope such is the case.
I apologize for the long post, I just felt the need to express the joy I feel when it comes to finally being on the final chapter of my life. It's been a long road and I can honestly say that I'm more excited for attaining SN than I've been for anything else in my life up to this point.
