Killing myself slowly from the outside in.

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

I don't want a future. nothing sounds more dreadful.

For years and years now, I've been self sabotaging in the hopes that if I push myself far enough into a hole, both I and everyone else will know I have no choice but to ctb. It's the only want I've ever had. I started planning to ctb when I was 10, wanting to tie a noose and then jump off the deck of my home in hopes of snapping my neck. I thought that plan up all by myself as a child. Now I just want SN, if I can ever find it.

I don't see why I should be kind to my future self, what's the point? Part of my self sabotage is my depression, I admit, but a lot of it is suicidality. I will spend all my money, I will purposefully not pay my dorm fees in hopes they kick me out, I meticulously ruin every part of my life until the only way out is to die. I've always wanted to die, I just want to shed myself of everything. I don't even need the motivation really, I could ctb right now if I had the resources.

This is just what my mind does. I see no future. Everything ahead of me is blank. I can't fathom anything past this moment. It's all just constant suffering, and I'm so tired of managing my mental illness. I never asked to suffer, I didn't ask for life. I don't want to stay here, and I'm tired of people pulling me down here, to life.

the only thing I can't seem to shake is my friends. Loneliness doesn't sit well with me. Selfish, I know. But it's so awful to be lonely. So terribly sad.

I suppose my question is, do you do this too? Kill yourself slowly? If so, what is the worst thing you've done to yourself to push towards the ctb goal? What's been the final straw?

 

[m3nhera]

I don't want a future. nothing sounds more dreadful.

For years and years now, I've been self sabotaging in the hopes that if I push myself far enough into a hole, both I and everyone else will know I have no choice but to ctb. It's the only want I've ever had. I started planning to ctb when I was 10, wanting to tie a noose and then jump off the deck of my home in hopes of snapping my neck. I thought that plan up all by myself as a child. Now I just want SN, if I can ever find it.

I don't see why I should be kind to my future self, what's the point? Part of my self sabotage is my depression, I admit, but a lot of it is suicidality. I will spend all my money, I will purposefully not pay my dorm fees in hopes they kick me out, I meticulously ruin every part of my life until the only way out is to die. I've always wanted to die, I just want to shed myself of everything. I don't even need the motivation really, I could ctb right now if I had the resources.

This is just what my mind does. I see no future. Everything ahead of me is blank. I can't fathom anything past this moment. It's all just constant suffering, and I'm so tired of managing my mental illness. I never asked to suffer, I didn't ask for life. I don't want to stay here, and I'm tired of people pulling me down here, to life.

the only thing I can't seem to shake is my friends. Loneliness doesn't sit well with me. Selfish, I know. But it's so awful to be lonely. So terribly sad.

I suppose my question is, do you do this too? Kill yourself slowly? If so, what is the worst thing you've done to yourself to push towards the ctb goal? What's been the final straw?

I understand this so well, because the in-between state of life not being "bad enough" to do but not good enough to live feels worse than either of them. Because there's no clear answer. And the mental debate over whether to completely ruin your life so you can die in peace or commit to trying to make it better is very, very exhausting. And we all know how to ruin our lives, but people don't usually do it completely for many reasons. For "selfish" reasons as you said. Certain people I can't push away, even though that would help ruin my life emotions get in the way. So I am stuck.

 

[Hellis]

Self sabotage is a guilty pleasure of mine, I thought it'd will me to suicide but it's just made me live in more agony. Also begun this bullshit at 10, wished I'd died back then before I had to live this hell for many more years.

I hope there's nothingness for us, after all this, we have been punished enough being forced to live with ourselves.