Keep Wanting To Talk About It But It Has No Point

[KafkaF]

It's weird. I keep wanting to talk about the way I feel about everything. I keep wanting to talk about my life and how I want to end things. I keep making posts like this. But simultaneously I know it doesn't matter.

Like, I know that there is nobody that could say anything that would help me. And I don't mean just here or just online, I mean anyone anywhere. Well, except for one person.

Nobody can say anything that would help me get better. Nobody can say anything that would help me finally end it.

I'm perpetually stuck in a state between life and death. Between wanting to talk to people and being disappointed with the answers.

I guess what it comes down to is... my situation really is hopeless and there's nothing that can help me aside from a quick, peaceful death. But I don't like that answer so I keep looking for an alternative. I keep looking and looking and looking. But one of these days I'm just going to have to accept that it's for the best if I die.

It's hard though to accept that. That there really is no other way and it really is for the best. At least for me.

 

[mossyfloor]

This might not be possible, but, is there a single individual or group you feel is responsible for the way you feel? I ask because your post reads like frustrations with feeling powerless to stop "them". Who is them?

 

[KafkaF]

This might not be possible, but, is there a single individual or group you feel is responsible for the way you feel? I ask because your post reads like frustrations with feeling powerless to stop "them". Who is them?

I'm not sure what you mean. Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else?

 

[mossyfloor]

I'm not sure what you mean. Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else?

The one person you mentioned could help, and the people who give the disappointing answers. I was wondering who they were, but worded it in a horribly confusing way looking back.

 

[KafkaF]

The one person you mentioned could help, and the people who give the disappointing answers. I was wondering who they were, but worded it in a horribly confusing way looking back.

My previous girlfriend is the one person who could change my mind, but it's honestly irrelevant. I only included thst for the sake of completeness.

The disappointing answers are from no one in particular. From a lot of people.

 

[Tesha]

You might not get the support you need, but just writing it all down here may help you a bit. There's not always an answer, but it might help you get some perspective (if you want that).

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Maybe talking out loud can help you think, so you can come up with your own answers.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I know what you mean, I could've written every word of this post myself.

There's a part of me that wants to connect with others and talk about all this, but at this point I've been burned too many times and gotten too many unsatisfactory responses that there doesn't seem to be much of a point in trying. And I can't possibly blame them because when I ask myself "What could they possibly say to make you feel better?" I can't come up with anything. I'm too far gone at this point, there's nothing left to say. (A hug would be nice though).

Also, I have ethical qualms about involving someone else in my suicidality because there's a real chance that I'll actually do it, and I don't want anyone to be anywhere near me when that time comes. I've purposefully isolated myself and deleted the number of the one person who knew what was going on. Despite this, I still can't stop fantasizing about him reaching out and checking up on me. There'd be no point, of course, and I know that, yet I can't stem the feeling of disappointment and hurt that he still hasn't said anything.

(Btw I love your posts and comments KafkaF, you make this place a little less echo chamber-y).

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

It's weird. I keep wanting to talk about the way I feel about everything. I keep wanting to talk about my life and how I want to end things. I keep making posts like this. But simultaneously I know it doesn't matter.

Like, I know that there is nobody that could say anything that would help me. And I don't mean just here or just online, I mean anyone anywhere. Well, except for one person.

Nobody can say anything that would help me get better. Nobody can say anything that would help me finally end it.

I'm perpetually stuck in a state between life and death. Between wanting to talk to people and being disappointed with the answers.

I guess what it comes down to is... my situation really is hopeless and there's nothing that can help me aside from a quick, peaceful death. But I don't like that answer so I keep looking for an alternative. I keep looking and looking and looking. But one of these days I'm just going to have to accept that it's for the best if I die.

It's hard though to accept that. That there really is no other way and it really is for the best. At least for me.

You've prob recognized depression. Also seem to have insight that it isn't what you want, but you feel like you want to die.

How's your sleep?

 

[amra81nz]

I believe the only person who can really help you is yourself. Granted not everyone is strong enough to do that (myself included) but anyone else can offer all the help and assistance in the world but only you can make anything work. I hope you Find that strength in yourself one day. It sounds like you dont want to give up

 

[KafkaF]

I know what you mean, I could've written every word of this post myself.

There's a part of me that wants to connect with others and talk about all this, but at this point I've been burned too many times and gotten too many unsatisfactory responses that there doesn't seem to be much of a point in trying. And I can't possibly blame them because when I ask myself "What could they possibly say to make you feel better?" I can't come up with anything. I'm too far gone at this point, there's nothing left to say. (A hug would be nice though).

Also, I have ethical qualms about involving someone else in my suicidality because there's a real chance that I'll actually do it, and I don't want anyone to be anywhere near me when that time comes. I've purposefully isolated myself and deleted the number of the one person who knew what was going on. Despite this, I still can't stop fantasizing about him reaching out and checking up on me. There'd be no point, of course, and I know that, yet I can't stem the feeling of disappointment and hurt that he still hasn't said anything.

(Btw I love your posts and comments KafkaF, you make this place a little less echo chamber-y).

That you. That compliment was surprisingly uplifting to me. So you just made one person's day a little bit better at least by being alive. I know this isn't the website for this, but for my money, I hope you will make many more people's days better.

I hope they check up on you or you find a way to get yourself to contact them again, because clearly you care. Maybe sometimes it isn't so much about it making a different what people say so much as they're there for you, I guess.

I believe the only person who can really help you is yourself. Granted not everyone is strong enough to do that (myself included) but anyone else can offer all the help and assistance in the world but only you can make anything work. I hope you Find that strength in yourself one day. It sounds like you dont want to give up

If I can only help myself, I'm screwed.

You might not get the support you need, but just writing it all down here may help you a bit. There's not always an answer, but it might help you get some perspective (if you want that).

It does help a bit to just talk about it. That's why I keep doing it, I think. But I also genuinely want a way out or a way to feel better. And that's not happening and it makes me feel like shit.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Thank you. That compliment was surprisingly uplifting to me. So you just made one person's day a little bit better at least by being alive. I know this isn't the website for this, but for my money, I hope you will make many more people's days better.

That's very kind of you to say, you just made my day a bit brighter as well <3

I hope they check up on you or you find a way to get yourself to contact them again, because clearly you care. Maybe sometimes it isn't so much about it making a different what people say so much as they're there for you, I guess.

I think you're right about that. I don't know if it's the same with you, but I think my goal in reaching out is not always to discuss my problems themselves, but to feel like someone is invested in me, like what happens to me actually matters to them. Sometimes I just want someone to physically be here with me. We don't even have to talk or anything, but just having them around would make a difference, I feel. (Though maybe that's just something I'm telling myself).

It doesn't matter though because there's no one in my life I could ask for that. I've often considered asking the person whose number I deleted if we can do that but I know he would say no and I'd just end up embarrassing myself and making myself feel even more pathetic than I already do. I think he was only giving me attention before because there was a real danger that I was going to CTB in the near-term, and now that I've actually made an attempt, I guess it seems to him like the danger has passed, so he doesn't care anymore.

 

[wildflowers1996]

I relate to this so much, I'm so sorry you feel like this

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I too relate, such a frustrating and annoying and confusing place to be.

 

[KafkaF]

That's very kind of you to say, you just made my day a bit brighter as well <3



I think you're right about that. I don't know if it's the same with you, but I think my goal in reaching out is not always to discuss my problems themselves, but to feel like someone is invested in me, like what happens to me actually matters to them. Sometimes I just want someone to physically be here with me. We don't even have to talk or anything, but just having them around would make a difference, I feel. (Though maybe that's just something I'm telling myself).

It doesn't matter though because there's no one in my life I could ask for that. I've often considered asking the person whose number I deleted if we can do that but I know he would say no and I'd just end up embarrassing myself and making myself feel even more pathetic than I already do. I think he was only giving me attention before because there was a real danger that I was going to CTB in the near-term, and now that I've actually made an attempt, I guess it seems to him like the danger has passed, so he doesn't care anymore.

Maybe he still cares more than you think. But dealing with CTB stuff can be exhausting for anyone. We tend to be our own worst critics though, assuming people don't care even when they do. At any rate, you seem like a nice person. I think if one person does not care about you, others will care one day if you give them the chance.