Venting Just want this over

[LittleJem]

I know I've been here on this site for years, and suffering for years. I've been managing it with weed, which also make me spend so much money. I've been between homelessness, hotels and my family's house. they are understandably really annoyed with me for the drugs and homelessness, but wihtout weed I have constant suicidal thoughts all day. I've spent £1000s that I can't afford the other week and this week.

I wake up wanting to die and till evening that's all I thikn about and I can't function.

My dad is adamantly against drugs which basically means that staying here is the same as psych ward/prison as that I can't make myself feel better. I understand why he is against drugs. I just can't cope without them.

They want me to do things like go to the doctor and sort out benefits. I know they are being completely reasonable. I am just shaking and agitated and I just want this all over. Then I'm getting shouted at and called a parasite among other thnigs.

I just want this all over, but don't know how to end it. There is a river and a bridge but not guaranteed. And then I have a ratchet strap, also not guaranteed. SN is beginning to sound hard to get in the UK?

My dad has said to me that he wants me to die sometimes too. I just wish I could die and end this suffering for everyone.

 

[noalarms]

I don't know enough about your situation to offer advice, but all I can say is don't make any rash decisions with unreliable methods, that could leave you in a world of pain.

 

[counting-out-time]

Just reading your post. The ratchet strap is what I will be using in a hotel next week when I get my last pay check. Have tried so hard to get SN in the uk but unless you work in a lab then it's bloody hard to get hold of. Where as you rely on weed. For me it's vodka and I cannot function correctly without it. I always hope after drinking a litre the night before I end up getting alcohol poisoning in my sleep but never happens. But as noalarms mentioned don't jump to trying to CTB too quickly as a method could fail and leave you as a vegetable.

 

[GreenTree]

Same as me. Been on here years. Only plan I got is partial suspension and I'm pretty sure I'll fuck that up. Not much of a plan. It's hard to do something you've never done before(ctb) and never will again. Alternative is too suffer everyday. I'll probably do my sham of a plan when going gets tough and hope it works. Good luck to you.

 

[makethepainstop]

We all want to leave! Only the methods vary.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to be free from everything are certainly understandable. Having to continue this life when you suffer so much can be very tiring and I do very much dislike this pro suffering society that makes it as difficult for us to be gone as possible. We shouldn't have to struggle so much in finding ways to leave. For many people life is simply not worth it and that fact should be accepted.
I wish you freedom.