just venting

[That's Not Me]

I'm desperate. For the first time in a long time I feel a dread and pain in my chest that I had forgotten I could feel. I'm truly desperate and I feel an out-of-this-world weight on me. I can't help but think of my father lately. I think for the first time in a long time I'm beginning to understand exactly how he felt as he watched his life fall apart. I have no friends, the love of my life seems determined to kill herself (and every day her family demonstrates to me that they are made up of people with a lack of intellect or character), I can't study and probably won't get into college, I have demons screaming in my head all day and I'm terrified of having to face life. I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is a huge test of resilience that I must pass for some reason. There is no pleasure or constancy. Genuine joy is a rare thing these days. Every day I force myself to be happy or look upbeat, for many reasons, and this sometimes exhausts me. I think there's a sense of morality inside me that tells me I don't have the right to be down, because that's not my role. Although it's unconscious, I do agree with it. I don't think I have the right to seem like the victim of this situation, because I'm not, but I do think I'm overlooking more suffering than I'd like to admit to myself. I also often feel guilty for complaining, so I don't complain and let things build up in my chest. I've seen each and every one of the people who were once part of my life and no longer are able to get on with their lives and work, study and be independent, and I'm none of those things and will probably continue to be so next year. That scares me too. I went back to therapy, but I can't say everything I want in just 50 minutes. I needed somewhere to vent, and I'm glad I have this place. Thank you. I wish you all the best. Love and mercy to you all.

 

[That's Not Me]

I feel like I'm using all my strength to try to move stationary things. I don't know if it matters if the things are actually stationary or if they're just in my head, if they're out of ingenuity or poor character, unintentionally or on purpose. What matters is that I feel frustrated and exhausted. Nothing seems to change apart from my efforts, which are increasing every passing day. In fact, things seem to be getting much worse in general, inside and outside my head. Absolutely no one knows the things I go through, and what's going on in my head. The need to appear firm is exhausting and solitary. I wish I had half the strength that my father had to endure everything, and half his integrity. The future completely terrifies me, and I just wanted a little security. I also wish there was less pressure from all sides. There are forces outside trying to crush me, and forces inside trying to explode me, and in between there's a fragile layer of skin and bones waiting to see who will give in first. Either I explode, with pieces of me flying everywhere, or I implode like a soda can being crushed, as I usually do. Imploding myself always seems to be the safest option in general. I think maybe because the feeling of being under such internal and external pressure is very similar to imploding, and it's a natural reaction. It's a loser's reaction, I think. The feeling of having something or someone you love taken away from you is a feeling of defeat anyway. Begging for mercy will never feel like victory, although it may lead to it in the end. Anyway, have a good week everyone. Love and mercy.

 

[That's Not Me]

I feel my chest being squeezed from all sides. It's as if years of suffering and anguish that I've repressed want to come out. I feel responsible for everything and everyone. Everyone around me seems to expect something from me, as if I need to prove to the world that I can do it. The worst part is imagining the suffering that still awaits me. The feeling of failing and not meeting people's expectations will be just as devastating as the feeling of being so responsible now, but I'll have much more time to process it. I don't have any time now. I'm the only one in this shit who seems to see the seriousness of things, while at the same time being able to see the silliness of it all. I'm the only one capable of consciously sacrificing comfort and exchanging it for pain. I've been breathing heavily for days, the more time passes, the harder my heart beats, the faster I breathe and the more alone I feel. I feel like I'm holding the weight of the world. I'm feeling a lot of pain in my chest. I wish I had done many things differently. Thank you. Peace

 

[thalasabin]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I too wish I had done things differently. The desire to go back and undo my mistakes plagues me. The regret and the shame is too much to bear.