I finally purchased SN after a year and two failed ctb attempts. I'm not sure how I feel about it though… I fear I'm starting to get cold feet even though I attempted to ctb just a few months ago. Knowing I just secured a more reliable method has me wondering if this is what I really want. I feel like I'm tired of being alive and just want to rest, but now I can't help but think of all the experiences I won't have and how my days are numbered so I need to make the most out of spending time with the people I care about. And now I'm thinking about the few people in my life… there aren't many but I don't want to upset them by doing this.
Idk I'm just feeling weird about everything now. I thought I'd feel relief and excitement from buying this but now my emotions are all over the place. I have so many reasons for wanting to end it but for some reason I'm getting a little sad thinking about it. I guess I'm just thinking about all the what ifs that could happen if I stayed alive. What if my crush magically decides he likes me back even though there's no reason for me to believe that? What if I start passing after being on testosterone for two years and it solves all my identity problems? What if I make new friends and finally stop being lonely? What if I find a job I'm happy with and look forward to? None of those things are very probable but my brain is trying to tell me not to ctb just in case those things turn out to be true.
It all feels so delusional and illogical… I know those things aren't going to change because my crippling depression won't let me work on those things. But now that my SN is being shipped I can't help but ponder on those delusions. I wish I was a different better person. Maybe once it's here I'll go through with it because enough time will have passed for me to accept that things won't get better because they never have before… why would they now? I'll just make sure to spend as much time with the people in my life I care about so that I'll feel content with how I'm leaving things. Or maybe I will start feeling optimistic about my life and I'll feel good knowing I have the SN in case things start going badly again… it could be nice knowing I have that security I guess.
I'm not sure what I'll do but at least I have everything I need just in case.
Idk I'm just feeling weird about everything now. I thought I'd feel relief and excitement from buying this but now my emotions are all over the place. I have so many reasons for wanting to end it but for some reason I'm getting a little sad thinking about it. I guess I'm just thinking about all the what ifs that could happen if I stayed alive. What if my crush magically decides he likes me back even though there's no reason for me to believe that? What if I start passing after being on testosterone for two years and it solves all my identity problems? What if I make new friends and finally stop being lonely? What if I find a job I'm happy with and look forward to? None of those things are very probable but my brain is trying to tell me not to ctb just in case those things turn out to be true.
It all feels so delusional and illogical… I know those things aren't going to change because my crippling depression won't let me work on those things. But now that my SN is being shipped I can't help but ponder on those delusions. I wish I was a different better person. Maybe once it's here I'll go through with it because enough time will have passed for me to accept that things won't get better because they never have before… why would they now? I'll just make sure to spend as much time with the people in my life I care about so that I'll feel content with how I'm leaving things. Or maybe I will start feeling optimistic about my life and I'll feel good knowing I have the SN in case things start going badly again… it could be nice knowing I have that security I guess.
I'm not sure what I'll do but at least I have everything I need just in case.
