Venting just managing

[callalilies]

i've been doing well lately which is why this is so frustrating. i got back onto antidepressants at a dosage that's low enough to make a difference but not so high that i'm hypomanic, but my pmdd is so bad that i just end up skipping doses and ending up in the same depressive rut again. and i'm very ill. i don't really have anyone else to talk about because i'm just managing my depression and my body that doesn't work, but most of the time i'm too exhausted and burnt out to care about my degree and when i'm not i'm undermotivated and i don't have many good options, which hurts because i want to live so badly but everything just leads to hurt!

and i don't even just mean emotionally! physically, when i'm flaring like this and i can barely stand up straight or do anything but just lay down, it's hard to not be depressed. and i know someone else out there can understand but the people i'm supposed to be able to vent to just aren't ... i don't feel like i can bring this to them. the person who deals with the brunt of it, my partner, is starting to get sick of me because they were there when i was manic and suicidal the first time and i'm starting to get the feeling that they're sometimes more attracted to the idea of me than the full, ugly picture. yesterday i was acting a little strange, crying, not picking up after myself and i understand that i was being insensitive but i was in a lot of pain (not justifying it, just explaining it).

it got better when i remembered to take my antidepressant and i did some stuff. mood-wise, today has been better, but in terms of the pain, i've been in agony. i had to stand up and ended up shaking and they sent me back to bed and i cried, and they haven't spoken to me since. and they say it's not about me but i feel like it is and it hurts me a lot. sometimes i wonder why they even bother. and i am just complaining, but everyone seems disgusted by my issues. they are repulsive, it's the nature of my condition, but it makes me feel horrible and unlovable when i'm at my worst. and the year's just started, and i experience this nearly every month. it produces a lot of passive suicidal ideation but i don't want to be this way. does anyone else with a chronic illness know how to navigate your disability pushing loved ones away? how do i look forward to going on when it just hurts? :(

 

[timf]

Sometime lavender can give some pain relief. You might also consider setting yourself small goals such as putting away one thing. It is tempting to shut down and veg out. However, if you can keep some momentum going, it might be a way to still keep some control.

 

[callalilies]

Sometime lavender can give some pain relief. You might also consider setting yourself small goals such as putting away one thing. It is tempting to shut down and veg out. However, if you can keep some momentum going, it might be a way to still keep some control.

wow, thank you so much for this! i'll be looking into the lavender - in the past few days i've tried to get out and about + try a mobility aid. things are still hard, but thinking in this way has been really helpful. i appreciate it a lot :)

 

[Kanashii]

It is hard to really want to live especially when things go bad and we know they go bad all the time. I do believe time can heal as well as talking to people whether it be venting or making some form of friendship with a person. I am always here if you do need to chat.

Make sure you rest up when you do feel tired and to remember that your health comes first, if you can't do something because your health is stopping you just stop, and look after yourself some more. Give more attention to yourself at that time and make sure other people understand that.

I hope you do find peace and happiness and that you do keep putting up a fight despite your illnesses. Things might get better, we can never tell what the future will bring but we just need to be patient and see what happens.